SUPRISE! You have just saw a glimps of my retirement plan.

   Today is a brand new day. So new and fresh that 3 people in my house are still sleeping. Zac got on the bus this morning with minimal coercing with Peyton. Eli, Evyn and Danny are still snoozing away in slumber. Something I don't get much of, but that's ok.
   Eli has a apt. this morning. I look forward to these now. Eli draws and colors in his visits and it gives me some insight to how his little mind works. Something Ive never had before. These weekly drawing teaches me what he loves, what makes him sad and what makes him angry, along with scared. He has yet to draw what makes him scared. I am anxiously waiting for this.
   Peyton has started basketball now. He's been practicing for a couple weeks. He seems to enjoy it. We all need something we enjoy, right?
   Eli started football last week. He is half the size of the others his age. I want him to feel like he's a part of something. A team. Granite Football wasn't the best choice but I am very limited in this county. Soccer would have been a perfect fit for him, but it's not offered. It's the only thing I imagine would keep him busy all the time. He doesn't do well in down time. He gets distracted to easily. Several of the boys told him he was gonna get hurt in football. Eli is not scared. I am sure most of the other boys think Eli playing is joke. I'm waiting for the moment they place the ball in his hands and tell him to throw it. :) SURPRISE. They will then witness my retirement plan.
   So. Here's a example of my day. Eli's apt is at 9am. Afterwards he will return to school. At 230 I will return to pick up two of the kiddos. Peyton will stay afterwards for practice till 430. Eli has football at 4. Luckily it's a hop skip and a jump away from where Peyton's practice is. He can join us when his is over. Did you catch all that?  Eli is over the moon about todays practice. It's rare that Danny gets to spend extra time with us due to work. Today he gets to attend the Dr. apt and the practice with us before he has to leave for work later tonight.
  Tomorrow is the first day of my favorite months. September, October and November. You will see me liven up a little until Christmas draws closer and stresses me out.
  Hope you guys have a fantastic day. It is what you make it.
  

I Love you. No "but".

  I am so very proud of myself. No one told me this. No one said these exact words to me today. I came upon this feeling all by myself.

  Someone very dear to me suffers from severe depression. I have noticed a gradual decline of their health over the last few months. At the advice of others close to them I was advised to leave it alone and keep my mouth shut for fear I'd just make it worse. After a lot of thought I confronted them anyway. With a heavy heart and stern voice (just shy of begging) I ask this person to please see a Doc. Please start medications again and please take care of their self because I need them around for a while longer in sound mind. They tried to buck up on me once, but after seeing the sincerity in my face and words they agreed  to do whatever I thought was best. The other party witnessing this huge breakthrough was less than cooperative. You see, I am surrounded by people who think their God can cure anything and everything that ales you. Personally, I believe we have some fine Doc's who are very intelligent and there comes a time you have to help yourself.

  I still walked away feeling like I said a few things to this person that will stick. We will see what happens over the next few days.  I am proud of myself. This doesn't happen but once in a blue moon.  It was very rewarding to know I was heard today. Even more so rewarding to hear the words "I love you" from them. Period. No "but" afterwards.

Hope is Hard to Maintain

  Today I was told I don't put enough effort into things. I was speechless then and I am speechless now.  I thought of all people this person would see what I have done lately and praise me for it.  It stinks when I wasn't enough as a child. It stunk 10 years ago and it still reeks today. Hope is hard to maintain when it seems your doing all you can do but it's still not enough.

Things my Mommy never said..

    People often ask me how I handle 4 boys. This morning Pey woke up up ill. Matter of fact, he stays ill the majority of the time. I'm reassured by people and told it's just his age. 12. I dread 13 If 12 is the culprit of this humor he stays in all the time. Always hateful and a smarta**.

   I was NOT a smart mouth child. Actually I didn't really talk at all. I was always so scared of being, doing or saying something I wasn't supposed to or that wasn't excepted that it was just easier to keep my thoughts to myself. What few times I did speak when I growing up only resulted in being grounded from one of the few things I was allowed and it was never explained to me what I had done or said that was so wrong any farther in detail than a few words. The most famous line was, "people who talk like that (say those things, think that way or behave that way) go to Hell". I wasn't sure exactly sure what Hell was or what I had done to earn a ticket there but I was certain it wasn't a place I wanted to be.

   When my children were born I was determined not to repeat the things my parents done or said to make me so gun shy to speak and be my own person. At the same time I did want my children to have morals and good roots, but I did not want those qualities scared into them like they were me. Their tactics clearly didn't work the best because I have sure made some doozie of mistakes.

   I have a few simple rules in my home. One is we don't speak or act  rudely  to each other. Yes, that's a vague rule that can branch out in several direction but I think it's clear in what it means. No hollering, no smart mouth, ect. I feel we can all discuss anything in a calm voice with each person having a turn to speak. No speaking over each other or interrupting. The little boys have the most problem with this rule. They are terrible about interrupting, but are getting better. I believe a respectful "mouth" will take you a long way. And when they do speak nasty to their brothers or me I would never in a million and ten years threaten them with burning in a never cooling Hell!! Geeezzzzz oh Pete.
  

  Apologize. The exact words I told Pey this a.m when he smarted off and hurt my feelings right off the bat, was....."Peyton, when someone makes it clear to you that you have said or done something to hurt them. Say your sorry. Don't try and justify your words or actions. A true sincere apology IS NOT "I'm sorry......but"

   I have been guilty more then once of telling the boys not to back talk me. Honestly, what is back talking? Is there a definition on it? we as adults have our own idea of what "back talking" is, but I think most of us change the laws on it daily depending on the mood we are in and how much we feel like listening too. I think this rule is the parents way of saying "I'm sick of talking about this with you, so just hush and do what I say". Kids just want to be heard. They have opinions and questions and we are supposed to be the ones who answers those. I received most of my answers at school, from friends or on the school bus. I'd hope most parents would agree those are not always the best resources to get answers from. I do not enforce this rule as long as what they are commenting or asking is not done so in a rude manner. (see, I told you that rule can branch out in several different ways)

  Of course we have to normal stuff that the boys know they are not allowed to do. Ride/walk in the road alone. Go anywhere without asking. (Pey and Eli break this A LOT now that they are grown) If you mess it up, clean it up. (this includes their own bedrooms and their bathroom. I do not make the boys clean up a bedroom that does not belong to them. That's not fair to them. It's plenty for a 8 year old to be responsible for their own bedroom.) Peyton is oldest therefore is able to do more things then his younger brothers. He hangs up his own clothes. After I do laundry I separate the boys clothes in piles. Peyton knows to take his pile and put it away ever couple of days. I hope his wife will thank me later for this. He knows how to perfectly hang up a pair of Sunday pants so that they have no wrinkles. Yay me!!

  I do not allow burping, farting, or talk of their weenies at the kitchen table. (your allowed to laugh at that) I realize they are boys and these conversations will arise from time to time but I don't want to hear them especially while I'm having a meal. I think this one also applies under the don't be rude, rule.

  They are expected to do their chores. I keep a chore book for them. It has a list of what is expected of them each day before they are allowed to play outside, play the Xbox or watch tv. It's nothing huge. Normally Peyton's consist of helping me feed/water the dogs, clean the kennel pens and once a week he mows if I didn't get a chance too. Normally I do that so he has time to mow the yards for the gentleman he works for a few hours a week. Eli is normally expected to to empty all the garbage cans in the house and take them to the can outside. Of course homework has to be done as well before they are free to reek havoc.

  When I was a child I never had chores. I never cleaned my own room. Mom was particular and it didn't matter how I made my bed or cleaned my room. She still went back and redone it. I was never complimented for much that I done because it never measured up to how she expected our home to be presented. I love her for it tho. I can remember the few times I went to others homes and just wanted to be back home because of how nasty they seemed to me. As a adult now I find myself taking great pride in my home. It makes me very happy when children come to visit and admire that the house is clean or smells good. I know mom must have felt this way as well when I had had friends over. Unfortunately I was never allowed to personalize my room. My room always had the look and feel of a adults room. No pictures, bedding, ect. that were age appropriate.  I let my kids do ALMOST whatever they choose with THEIR rooms. One day when they move out I will repair the thumb tack holes. Take down the basketball posters. Remove the football boarder. Paint over the orange and blue walls and replace the Harley, Cars, John Deer, and North Carolina bedding with something I'd prefer. No..............I won't. It will be left just as they had them.

   I have taken with me several things from my childhood. Some I tried to improve upon and some were perfectly perfect they way they were done 25 years ago. The last requirement we have here is we tell each other we love one another everyday before one leaves, goes to bed, gets off the phone or just outta the blue if the mood strikes us. That's one thing my mommy never said to me to amount to anything. What few times I heard it it normally sounded something like....."I love you, but......"  I love you is NEVER followed by "but" in our home.

  I guess we really don't have many rules. Just love, listen to and respect each other.  We could all take a lesson in those things.

  

HOPE

Just a example of what my downtime consist of.  Reading, searching, studying, and educating myself. I hope this link is helpful to someone. It's very interesting and gave me a little ray of sunshine in the form of HOPE.

I'm told parents whom have a child diagnosed with such disorders as mine go through a process much the same as death. I can't remember them in the exact order but a couple are disbelief and grieving. I'm assuming the stage I have hit now is disbelief or refusing to except this diagnoses even tho all the proof is in front of me. And honestly, I have been in the stage for a couple years. Very rarely do I choose to except it and allow myself to grieve for Eli. Grief is followed with pity and I don't want that for us. Or is it?



http://www.child-psych.org/2010/02/childhood-bipolar-disorder-is-not-bipolar-dsm-v-and-the-new-temper-dysregulation-disorder-with-dysphoria.html

Ouch

FB is deactivated and it's such a relief. Isn't it odd how things that use to be enjoyable can become a burden. It's like a weight was lifted and now my life has become a bit more private. Everyone needs space ever now and then. I have taken mine and aim to do wonderful things with it.

I had a album on my FB that was titled "ouch". It was full of all the boo boo's that my family has encountered in the last few months. I thought I'd share a few. It just proves that nothing will be put on us that we can't handle.

Peyton was lucky enough to cut the tendons in his wrist last Aug. He was stitched up at TJ and sent home. He was sent to Jewish the following morning for surgery.

After surgery. He was in hard cast for 6 weeks. A soft cast for 6 more weeks. It was a very long healing process. Several trips to Jewish and just 3 weeks ago he was released by physical therapy.

Feb. 7th I sent Danny and Peyton to the grocery because I did not want to drive in the snow. This was the result.

Pey was saved by the skin of his teeth with only a busted nose, hairline hip fracture, and minor cuts and abrasions. Danny was off work for 13 weeks including the week he spent in the hospital. We are still trying to recover from that wreck. Hospital bills and lost wages for that period of time is absolutely shattering. All because I had to have a gallon of milk, diapers, hamburger meat and some paper towels.

March 25th. Zac was running and playing just as he always does. He fell in Dad's garage on steel shavings. Stitches. The day before he turned 5. This particular accident scared me more then almost anything has my entire life aside from Peyton and Danny's wreck and Evyn's first 3 months of life. I never talk to anyone about any of these times in my life. I had to be strong for the injured and the sick. When your children hurt and your hands are tied it's the most helpless feeling in the entire world. Mothers are suppose to cure all. I guess that why I am in limbo right now with Eli.

In May, Evyn cut his eye open. Them in July he busted his nose. We are certain it was broken due to the swelling and bruising but luckily there was no separation of the bone and he didn't have to have surgery to reset it. Yay!! Evyn caught a break.



So......if you ever doubt your ability to what one person can endure remember my "ouch" blog and maybe take a look at "Evyn's Thursday" I promise you are stronger then you give yourself credit for and you will prevail.

A woman is only helpless until her nail polish drys.

Today is the last day I will use any of my energy on FB. I have found that I use it as a escape from my life and escaping is the very last thing I need to do right now. I handle life better when I just dive in feet first......or head first I suppose is a better example. Until what I want is accomplished I won't come back up for air. I took a last peek at FB this A.M and found a few statuses that seem to have been perfectly written for me. One in particular was. I just wanted to share a few.




Just because you feel weak, doubt yourself, & feel lost, doesn't mean you're not strong. Being strong is more than looking the part. Being strong is pushing through. Being strong is being able to admit when you're beaten down. Being strong is knowing what you want and going after it no matter the hurt. You don't have to look strong, you just have to be strong.      -Thank you, Stacy!  I love this.


There's a rumor going around that says boys are stronger than girls! Oh Please! Can you carry a 8lb baby in your stomach for 9mths? Can you cook, clean and talk on the phone @ the same time? Can you burn your forehead with a curling iron and not complain? Can you walk all day in 5" heels? Can you cry all night then wake up the next morning like everything is okay? Remember guys, women are only helpless until their nail polish dries :)  ♥       -Love love love it, Kathy G!





To you, my Boo Boo...
If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.
A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.
Are we not like two volumes of one book?
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  "Pooh!" he whispered.  "Yes, Piglet?"  "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.  "I just wanted to be sure of you."
A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.                 - Kristen, you always seem to know when I need a boost. Thanks. Now, follow this blog dammit!

WaShEd Up AnD wOrN oUt

I have postponed blogging for several days in hopes that when Evyn naps I will have some sort of masterpiece that will come to mind. Unfortunately, the second Evyn lays down and I retreat to my bedroom sleep spontaneously happens for me as well. Exhausted is a understatement. Mentally and physically. Sorry if this one is  disappointing. There is one major thought in my head today that need to surface. I'll jump in feet first......

Eli has been seeing a therapist once a week for several weeks. Something I hadn't intended to share due to his privacy and mine but I think keeping this under such wraps for so long is why these types of things have such a negative stigma. We saw a group of specialists last June and he was diagnosed with 5 disorders. AD/HD, OCD, Early Onset BiPolar, Depression and Conduct Disorder. The advice given to me was talk therapy, medications and to continue being the parent i was being because he seemed to be thriving.

I have completely submerged myself with this child and helping him to have a healthly whole life since I was first introduced to the idea that he had something else going on in his little mind at the age of  5.  I eat, sleep and breath ideas that will help us all cope and coexist in this house together with the least amount of chaos.  Let me make a few things clear. There are NO therapist in the area that specialize in children. The handful I have found do not bill insurances. Its all self pay. If your insurance reimburses you, then good for you. If they don't.......well it's not their baby to rock. My child is priority but therapy can range anywhere for 250 to 350 a visit. depending on if I wanted to speak to the therapist as well. I realize a childs health does not have  a price tag, but that's steep. Where would Eli be if i had to work 3 jobs and never be home.  Currently we are working through Lifeskills and I am very pleased with the gentleman he sees.  Insurance covers it......FOR NOW. There is even talk of having home visits. I am looking very forward to this. My first request was to help Eli let some thingS go. Stuff, that is. Things he holds onto that don't have meaning to me but are extremely important to him. Salt packets for example. LOTS of them.

I now keep a diary so we can kinda begin to see a pattern. The better we understand him, the more efficiently I can help him. I feel really good about this. I know so far this entry seem vague but I still haven't completely dropped my guard when it comes to discussing my baby boy. I stay so scared for him. So afraid something I may do or say will make his life harder. Please don't judge my son by what I say. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else to speak openly about mental disorders and depressive behaviors in their children. There is no support groups that I can speak of. I'd love to start one but simply don't know where to even begin or  how to even categorize it since Eli has been tagged with 5 separate things at this point without complete certainty on any of them except AD/HD and OCD.

Today is a terrible day for Eli. During the morning rush I forgot his medication. I could could make excuses for myself and say I was tired, I was up the last two nights with a fussy Evyn, the morning routine is so hectic that I cant do it all perfectly all the time...........and that all is very true, but it's excuses and not reasons. I chose to have four children and I can't make excuses for myself when I severely screw up. I royally did just that this morning. Screw up. Now we are all paying for my mishap. Just since 3 pm he has spit in Zac's face, cussed, said terrible things to me. Things that are heart breaking. But, I have to continue to tell myself that children with these problems treat the one they love the most, the worst. Children with these disorders treat the one they love the most, the worst. He loves me. He loves ME. That's why he treats me this way.  I'm just not feeling it today. I have sat here and took blame for things that are completely out of my control today but that's just part of it. This is my life. Our life. Days like today he is miserable and he makes each of us miserable right along with him.  I have to walk away to keep from having thoughts that I should just put him in inpatient and stop trying.

He just ate lead. When I told him that it was dangerous he said....."I'd like to die" This sweet smiling face that you see in this picture actually said "I'd like to die."

Now tell me why there is no support group for us? No support for the children who's faces get spit in, slapped, cussed, ect.  Why is there no support group for parents who are washed up, worn out, abused, used, lied too, hit, screamed at?

It won't be this way for long.

Today is Monday, but that's not how I'm referring to it. It's the boys 3rd day of school. Monday, the word, is meaningless.
Eli seems to love school this year, so far. He thrives the best in structure. I done my best to have that this Summer, but I am no where close to as good as a teacher is. Kuddos to Ms. Haley. He seems to be doing wonderful.
Peyton's lovely attitude has surfaced again. I don't know why school always brings out the worst in him. I do believe the the source of the problem was made clear last night tho, and I sincerely hope I nipped it in the arse before it got out of hand like last year. I do have one question tho regarding this. Metcalfe County, are you so hard up for money that you just let any child back into your facility without regard to the chaos, grief and gossip she has caused and will continue to cause? Seriously!
Zackary. This has been hard on him. And me too. The first day he was so excited and ready to take on the world. The second and third (today) not so much. he has said some of the most heart wrenching things. "I don't wanna go to school Mommy, I miss you too much" "I'm too little to go to school" was today's latest tear jerker.

He tried very hard to cry silently this morning. His quite little tears made me have quite little tears. Tears are a chain reaction. Sorry Ms. Becky. We didn't mean to make you cry first thing on a Monday morning. I was told "it won't be this way for long."

So, now it's just me and Evyn. He's sitting beside me on the couch looking at the computer screen as if he is reading every word.

My Mommy called me and ask me to help her in the garden today. I was reminded of the my blog entry a couple weeks ago. I have been sick for 6 weeks and had every intention on seeing a actual Dr. today as opposed to having something called in, again. But, my Mommy called and what she asks for, she gets! I would never dream of making a excuse to her, no matter how good it may be.

Today's entry is short and to the point. School has started and I have 4 boys whom are reacting to it 4 very different ways.

How is it going y'alls way?