I was a girl once.

 I have four boys. I don't think I have mentioned that for several months in my posts. Peyton wasn't planned but he wasn't being prevented. Eli was the biggest surprise of my four. And continues to be, still. Zackary was planned and he took the most time to accomplish. Evyn was planned and I was pregnant by the next week, or so it seems. A daughter was always a little pink thought in the back of my mind but I never honestly thought I'd be a good mother to a daughter. I am rough around the edges, but I've mentioned this before.  I always thought I'd be a better mother to boys. I can't help but still have those little pink thoughts especially around the Holidays. I guess it's because Mom and I always went shopping this time of year for a new Christmas dress. Usually it was red velvet and patton leather black shoes. I should hunt up a picture of one of those dresses.

That seems like so many years ago. It was. Twenty-five. I was rather girlie back then. Complete with lace, ruffles, bows and ringlet curls in my waist long hair. Please and thank-you was in my vocabulary daily. What happen, you ask?  Got older. Thought I knew everything. To big for dress shopping with Mom. I was more interested in  Mr. Wrong. The first one came along at age 16. I desperately needed to put my trust into someone, anyone. Other than my parents. No need in naming names. They know who they are. Mom knew from the beginning that something was wrong with him. The more she preached about him the more I wanted to prove she was wrong. I talked to him day and night. Hours on end. He knew me better than anyone had in my life up till that point. He was different but I needed a connection so badly that I over looked a lot in the beginning. When he was nice, he was one of a kind. Perfect hair. Built body. My friends were envious. His parents thought I hung the moon and I them. His friends took me under their wing and being 16 it was great to know so many people had my back.

He came to visit alot on Sundays. Normally when I returned from church  with my parents he would be sitting on the porch swing outside waiting on me. He knew my schedule better then I did. He knew when I left, and when I returned. He knew my work schedule, school schedule, home schedule. I had told him. I had no reason not to. Not only did he know every detail of my life, but my parents life as well. Isn't it funny what we think will last forever at age 16. There wasn't anything I didn't think I could share with him.

The first time he hit me was several months into dating. I had just returned home from church with my parents. It was a Wednesday night. He was upstairs waiting for me in my bedroom. He knew how to get into the house. I had enabled him. He stored away information like a storage drive.

It startled me that he was there without my knowledge, and I was going to tell. It didn't take long for him to convince me my parents would be angry with me for sharing important information with him. The location of spare keys, hours they were gone, ect..  I was grabbed and shook, then hit for even mentioning he had no business there. I don't think details of the rest of the nights events are necessary. Just know these unannounced visits happen often. Usually he was drunk or high and forgot how he got there. Normally someone dropped him off but sometimes he hide his mothers car in various places that I would have to find the next morning. From the first time he hit me I wanted to end it but he wouldn't allow it. Just like everyone preaches he promised to do better, never let happen again, or he done it cause he loved me so. I was left having to sneak him out of the house the next morning and get him home. I was either late or missed school so many days that year because of him that I lost my license and almost failed that year of school. Just because I rode the bus or with friends to school didn't stop him from hiding in my home while we were gone. I was till responsible for trying to get him home. sometimes I couldn't and would go through the whole day knowing what was waiting for me when I came home. Mom and Dad have a huge home. It was easy for him to hid all day long even if someone was home.  I see now so many ways I could have escaped such torment but I was so young and stupid then. He stole things from me. Money, clothes, cd's. things from my room that he knew Mommy wouldn't miss. Only me. He demanded my whole pay check at times and if I did not hand it over he threaten to tell my parents that I was allowing him to stay nights with me. That I had ask him too and threaten to tell them he thought they were aware. How stupid was I. Don't answer that. I already know. One of the times I tried to end things with him he piled all my clothes on top of my bed and poured finger nail polish all over them then locked himself in my bathroom. When he came out he was bleeding profusely from his arms and wrist. He had cut himself with my razor. He spent a month in a hospital after I told his mother what he had done. I snuck him out to his mother in the middle of the night. She too thought my parents were ok with this arrangement.  During that time I finally had relief from the torture. Isn't it odd what we endure to keep from disappointing and hurting the ones we love. I didn't want my parents to know that I had told him to much, especially when my Mommy told me what he was about from day one.

The last time it happen I came home from school and didn't go straight upstairs. The phone rang and it was a friend. Male. We talked a while and I went upstairs to begin homework. The second I walked in the door I was slapped and whipped repeatedly with a telephone cord. He had gotten out of the hospital and I didn't know it. He had heard the telephone call and I had no idea. The next day I took him home and was hit all the way to his house. I had to pull over several times to wipe tears and clear my head so I wouldn't wreck. He had never hit me where it could be seen but this time he did. My head bounced off the driver side window several times. He busted out my windshield. This was not the first time he had damaged my car. That happen on several occasions. Usually when he had waited for me to get off work to speak to me and I'd refuse. He always dented or busted something before I could drive off. I always made excuses to my parents as to what happen to it.

I don't know why he never intruded my home again after that day. I'd like to think it was something I'd said or done to scare him away but I doubt that was the case. I'd like to say I finally told my parents that he had been sneaking into our home for months and destroying my pride and taking my dignity. I didn't. There are many things they should know about my childhood and teenage years but they don't. I never told them. I was afraid. I wanted them to be proud of me so badly.

So, this is just one of the reasons I don't think I should have a daughter. I don't think I have what it takes anymore. I'm not nice. I don't feel or have emotions. I think the last time I really cried was on that drive home when my head bounced off the car window a dozen times. That was 1997. I don't feel pity for people. I don't like whining, crying and drama.

I'd ruin a girl. I'd never want a little girl to grow up as cold and rigid as I am. I have to really catch myself even with the boys. Allow them to hurt and have feelings and emotions. I fuss at them a lot for showing emotion and for that, I'm sorry. At least one day they can have my blog and understand why I am the way I am. Until then, I am trying real hard to be a better Mother and allow them to be their own person.

Why did I think to write this tonight? I guess because I passed a little red velvet dress in a store a couple days ago and pink thoughts have been floating around in my head ever since. If I could only go back 25 years and do a few things differently. Having my 4 boys would NOT be something I changed!!!!

Turkey Day is over and my list is in progress.....

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch.......kinda. We waited at The Crack for a hour an a half  to eat. It took us less time to eat. I will never do that again. It was so ordinary. By no means a family Thanksgiving. It was easy on Mom tho, so for that I am thankful.

After our meal Danny and me scattered kids here there and yonder and I finally got to see Breaking Dawn. Amazing! By far the bet one so far. I hate where it ended but they have to keep yall non readers in suspense. I could tell you how it ends but I won't ruin it for you. Danny loves how I commentate him through the movie a step ahead of when it happens. He also loves how I can name the characters and their orgins before the movie reveals it. As if it's not bad enough that he has to sit through a chick vampire love story with me, he has to listen  it play by play before it actually happens. READ THE BOOKS PEOPLE!! Thanks Lacy for watching my little monster so I could see it.

Danny was supposed to leave early this morning again, but woke up with a Migraine. Migraine = puke. Needless to say he left late and took number 3 with him. I knew it would be a bit more peaceful with just two kids here this weekend so I suggested if one went that it be Zac since Eli has been sick this week. At the last minute I tried to convince him to stay with me cause I knew come night time he'd want his Mommy, but it was useless. He was convinced he was going to Pennsylvania. Needless to say he's called me a couple times "just to hear my voice". I love that baby boy. Danny always said Dr. Mody neglected to cut the cord when he was born. Almost six years later and he's still attached.

So, it's just me and the two E's tonight. Today we done some decorating. Not much tho since I'm dealing with Mad Cow.

I did not attempt Black Friday shopping. I done that a few years. I decided it wasn't good timing to go to jail for assault since Danny was already late delivering. Remember......Mad Cow.

I start B12 shots Monday. I am ready to kick this exhaustion in the arse. I have a life to live already.

So Christmas is just around the corner. We have been writing Santa letters here. I decided to make one of my own and make it extra easy. Like a picture book. Have a great weekend and take this time to memorize my letter, Santa. I will add to it as the month continues so be sure to keep checking back.

 I think pictures are easiest. If not let me be clear. Bamboo sheets in nude. Ugg Sweater Boots as pictured.  A pedistal sink identical to the one pictured. Toms shoes. This is a great company. They donate a pair of shoes to needy children for ever pair bought! Black counter tops. A fan type ceiling fan. More hardwood to finish out my house and a claw foot tub. Please and thank you. I will try to add smaller less expensive items but at this time I can't think of any. Unless of course Santa, you can see that my children always believe in you.........then you can keep all the gifts in the world in exchange for that. If not......I'll be expecting a claw foot tub in white please. I'll need it to soak in in years to come. Do you realize that if my four children have only two children each that that means they will bring home 8 more little monsters?! You know what Santa.......better add a Hot Tub to my list. I know I had one already and gave it away but I was delusional and pregnant and sad cause I couldn't use it and didn't want to stare at it on my back porch. If you could see fit to find me another I'd forever be grateful.

~GoBbLe GoBbLe~

Thanksgiving. I am so thankful it's going to be over tomorrow so everyone stops with the "I'm Thankful" statues on FB. They make me want to vomit. Yes, I'm a bit rough around the edges I suppose but good grief.......they got old on November 3rd. I just fired right back with the most ridiculous thankful for statues you've ever read! I will miss those.

Tomorrow will be the first time we have not gathered and ate at either Granny's or Mom's. I'm not liking it to well. Food should NOT be bought for Thanksgiving already prepared nor should we gather at a restaurant. I know Mom has been sick and couldn't do it physically, so for Christmas I'm going to. Time to step up, right? If there is someone in the family healthy and able,  the meal should be prepared at home by your their two hands. Period.

And I have a question. Is their really such thing as a "children's table"? Please tell me this is a myth. I don't recall in all my 31 years ever being placed at a separate table away from the rest of the family and I have never done my children that way. However, I have eaten after the men all my life but it was never at a separate table. It was always with my Mother, Grandmother and the rest of the ladies who prepared the meal.

I hope tomorrow is calm and peaceful for us all. Unfortunately that may not be the case. So lets all suck it up and only cuss under ours breaths. At least until we get back to our cars to head home.

Gobble Gobble......

Little Bipolar Boy Who Cried Wolf

Here's the thing with my Bipolar child, he wouldn't know the truth if it was staring him in the face and he love to argue. If I told him the sky was blue he would argue it was orange and swear on a stack of Bibles to it. Over the years I have learned his lying signs. He can't for the life of him look me in the eye when he's lying. I always pick at him about it too. Sometimes now if he tries real hard he can pull one over on me.

The last few days he has complained of a ear ache and sore throat. I played into his complaints by giving Tylenol and sore throat spray. It never one time crossed my mind to take him to the Dr. He makes daily trips to the school nurse to ditch class. It's always been this way for years. Sore throat, head ack, tummy ache, itchy spot, big toe hurts, ect. I let him stay home yesterday but did not really take his complaints serious. Today was the same way. He woke up and was complaining. I dressed him and intended to make him get on the bus and go. He began to cry. He cries a lot but especially when he is mad. It's a very angry cry. Today his school was taking a trip to see a play. I assumed he was having some crowd anxiety and did not want to attend the play. I told him the only way he was staying home would be if we went to the Dr.,  and he welcomed the idea. I threaten him with in a inch of his life that if we got there and he was faking I'd be one mad Mommy. (that was not my exact words)

What did we discover at the Dr? Double ear infection. I SUCK! He has complained for days and I have let it go in one ear and out the other. No pun intended. The child has lied so much that I let him lay here sick for days and it never crossed my mind to take him to the Dr.

He took his first dose of Antibiotics at lunch. By 5 pm he was puking. I don't normally investigate the contents of puke but something about this puke scared the hell out of me. It was blood tinged. After a few phone calls we decided he must have ulcers. He sure is no stranger to strong medications and they have simply ruined his poor little stomach. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know he can't take any more medications till we get to the bottom of this. The puking has stopped. I feel like the antibiotics was too strong for his little empty stomach. A couple years ago I would have stopped all medications and put my foot down. I have grown and became much more knowledgeable now and know he can't thrive without them for many days. Stuck, between a rock and hard place.

Before Eli's Dr appointment I had one of my own. I have never been one to take care of myself. I'm older tho, and it's high time to start. I suppose during Mom's darkest days I completely ran myself ragged and still have not completely recuperated. I had a complete blood workup done today. I'm hoping for a simple case of the lazies. Either way I'm sure it's nothing some B12 and Iron can't cure.

So now I lay here in the bed with a slight essence of vomit in the air, and blog. Thank goodness for this blogging stuff that I've discovered. It's such a fantastic was to empty my thoughts and have no judgement cast on me. At least not from my most dedicated readers who seem to think I'm some sort of Super Mom. Far from it! No one makes flat jokes. I'm taken serious and not laughed at. You laugh with me when the time is right but never at me. Thank you. Today's events have made me mad, made me feel like a shitty mother, scared me, made me sigh in relief and giggle at times. I'm glad I can share them with you. You all have became my escape. I hope you each have a wonderful Thanks Giving. Today I am thankful for my readers who support me in our journey to LIVE with Bipolar.

Raising Bipolar

http://raisingbipolar.com/2011/11/17/the-new-psychiatrist/

I subscribe to several blogs that parents write about their Bipolar children. This one hit so close to home that I had to share it. I know exactly how this Mother feels. She took the words right out of my head.

 This following paragraph she wrote and is my favorite of this entry!! I get so sick of people whether it be doctors or acquaintances who are scared to use the term Bipolar!! It's not a bad word!! Bipolar, Bipolar Bipolar!!! It's not "typical little boy" behaviours either. Deal with the word. Learn to use the word and stop dancing around the word like it's some form of vulger language!

 Dude, wtf, who the crap cares what you call it? If it makes you feel better to call it Mood Disorder NOS, go for it.   Call it ‘Der Wienerschnitzel’ if you want but let’s not mess with what’s working.    And honestly, let’s not debate what bipolar looks like in a teen.  If your child gets so hyper that they can’t attend school, can’t concentrate, make terrible decisions, engage in dangerous behavior, have no peace of mind, racing thoughts, racing speech, superhuman strength, can’t sleep, can’t relax, get delusional, get paranoid, hear things, see things, have debilitating nightmares…it’s not just a case of the ‘hypers’.  For peet’s sake.  Let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

Time to play catch up. These catch up blogs are becoming a habit I need to stop.

First of all, I need to share a phone call with you that I got yesterday. It went something like this:

(ring ring)

Me: Hello

Her: Kathy.....

Me: Yea (crap she never calls me with good news)

Her: Where are the boys?

Me: uhhhh.......(crap, I suck) I'm not sure exactly......(where the hell are those kids and what have they done now) Why? Is something wrong? (oh my gawd I'm gonna kill em')

Her: Look out your front door.

Me: bleep, bleep, bleepity, bleep. (smoke is rolling out of the woods and the wind is gusting 210 mph)

Her: We are on our way to help put it out.

Now, do you think the neighbor knew my kids were somehow involved in this fire was a lucky guess? Don't answer that.


The last few days have been a whirlwind. Eli has had a terrible few days. I was hoping I was catching the blunt of the tantrums but a phone call from his teacher today confirmed his mood change. He had been doing so wonderful. Then, the rug gets jerked out from under us. The screaming, crying, drawing his fist and growling starts. I had to make that dreaded call to his Dr today and plead for a home visit. Hats off to her. She was here and ready to tackle his mood with me. That's all I going to say about him tonight. These violent mood swings go with the territory and I can handle it. I AM handling it.

I had a appointment today to register for classes. Yesterday at 915 I checked my voice mails and realized WKU had left me a message. I returned it. They informed my my time had been changed to 10 yesterday. SERIOUSLY!! It was 915. I looked like lukewarm death. I had no time to cover my age spots. No time to wash the jello pudding out of my hair. No time to brush my teeth. (I literally polished my teeth off with the inside of the shirt I'd had on since the day before and ate some tooth pastes running out the door) There was no time to bribe a sitter. How do people do this? I can't be rushed. I have to have everything written down days ahead of time. What where they thinking? Did they not check out my DOB and see rushing puts me at risk for falling and breaking a hip?

After arriving I was a nervous wreck. I had to bring my 2 year old to register. I'm sure this looked real cute to these 20 something year olds running around with their perfect hair, ironed clothes and perky.........ears. I  thought they would have looked at me and smirked. Not the case tho. They adored Evyn. He turned the heads of everyone there. I'd like to think it was because they had 4 children as well just like him at home but lets be honest here...........it's because they were so close in age. :)  Clearly their hips had never passed 4 children through them. And their perky.......ears......had never nursed a kid either!

In the end I registered, toured the campus and was ID'd. Yay. When I look at this picture I see what you don't. A little farther down was a 22 month old latched on to my leg with a death grip. He had on jeans, a blue button down shirt and tennis shoes. He was there the day his mommy changed his life. And he flirted with a few young thangs.

Tonight me and the boys all sat in the living room and watched Diary of Wimpy Kid. It was a lovely end to a hectic couple of days. Now, me and this heart burn/acid reflux are hitting the sack.

The weekend came and went. The Fall Festival was last Friday night at NME. I worked the Duck Pond. I must admit I was not exactly looking forward to this but by the time a few kids had picked their ducks, discovered their numbers and picked their prizes, it had grown on me. It's wonderful how easily kids can find enjoyment in the simplest things. Peyton tagged along with us. I think he liked being at NME for the night. I'm sure it was a nice little reminder of the the fact he conquered Pre-K through 5th grade there and moved on to a bigger more populated school.

Yesterday I started deep cleaning the house. I only finished one room. 13 more to go.

Today was grocery day at The Gates of Hell and kickball this evening. Now they are all home and worn out. Most would love 4 worn out children but in my house its death. Lots of whining, crying, fighting and screaming.

Mom is doing well. She got out today and went to church. It was the first time she had been in a couple months. That tells me she's on the mend.

This week should prove to be exciting. Tuesday is Election Day. That may be rather important to most but to me it simply means the kids will be home all day. Friday I will be photographing a wedding. As for the other 3 days I will tackle the other 13 rooms.

Hope you all had a great weekend and are ready for Monday.

Pottys, fender benders and insomnia. Oh my.

November 1st.  What a busy month. Most importantly, my parents wedding anniversary. 52 years the 21st. This is rarely ever heard of anymore. I am very thankful we were able to have such a huge shebang for them on their 50th! Message to Granny: you will be 90 next year. Expect a party similar in size.

Halloween is over. I took all four of my babies. Yes Peyton. You are still a baby. Even tho you turn 13 in two months (I just puked in my mouth a little) you will always be a baby to me. My first baby. We have literally grown up together. I would not trade last night for no amount of money in the world. Watching my oldest baby take my youngest baby by the hand and lead him to a front door while packing his bucket of candy for him so he would not trip over his devil tail was the greatest!

I am reminded of Halloween when I was a kid. One in particular. My cousins and I grew up together. We were neighbors. One year well after dark I got a phone call from Christy. I can't remember my age but I'm guessing I was 14. Maybe 15. She had concocted a plan for us to toilet paper a friends house. I ran the idea by my parents and they agreed to let us reek havoc on the neighbors for the night. This should have been a clue, but I was so excited to be out after dark on Halloween with the rest of the mischievous people that I didn't think this could ever back fire. Our parents helped us revise our plan and sent us on our way a couple miles down the road to the first poor souls house. We parked exactly where our parents suggested. The car was hidden. We started our mile walk back to our victims house. Half way there we watch a car slip up beside our car. Someone gets in it, starts it up and drives away. It's 11pm. We are 2 miles from home. The jokes on us since only a few people knew were were had decided to park the car. Nice. They got us! After we cried, screamed and ran back to try and stop the hijacker from stealing Christys car it dawned on us. We'd been had by our parents! They were laughing so hard they were crying when we made it home.

I thought of that night today while I was taking Mom to get her weekly wash and set. And the time  I wanted to be a princess but she made me go as a California Raisin. Dad would say "Halloween isn't about being pretty." Those words have stuck with me, and my children never go "pretty" either. Unless you count the one time Peyton dressed up in my old cheerleader skirt and wore a blond wig with pink Chucks.

I have not blogged in some time. I am sorry about that. I had no idea that anyone really read them on a regular basis. (Thank you Christy. It means a lot that you have missed them)

I get sick of being the barer of bad news all the time but my brother and my sister in law have been on my mind for a few weeks now. They have been married 17years. My brother means more to me than I could ever express. All of my best child hood memories include him. And his wife is one of the most loving, kind, compassionate women I have ever met. They lost a baby a few weeks ago. If they were to come to your mind please send them happy, healthy, heart healing thoughts. My heart hurts for them in a way I didn't realize it could hurt for someone else.

I went ahead and took the placement test. I felt good about it at the time but that soon faded away to thoughts of disappointment. I should have never taken it. I always knew I was not the most intellectual pea in pod, but to have it on paper stinks.

Ohhh......I was fortunate enough to have gotten hit at the little store in Hiseville yesterday. Some older man backed right up and nailed me in my passenger side door. We were sitting still,  fixing to pull out onto the highway and he creamed my SUV. I made the last payment on it yesterday. Ironic.

Zac stayed home from school today. He's been sick for several days. I have been up with one child or another for several nights. Exhausted is a understatement.

I have one last funny thing to share and then it's bedtime in the Smith Household. I sat out Evyn's potty in hopes when he decides to take his diaper off and pee he might decide to go to the potty as opposed to  peeing in the floor. I check it on a regular basis to see if he has left me any surprises. This morning I discovered he had hidden his Halloween candy in his potty. I'm sure he was thinking "none of them will ever think to look in here for my candy."

The one day I can dress the part.