Let Me Hold You Longer

Let Me Hold You Longer

Let Me Hold You Longer
a poem by Karen Kingsbury

Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts;
First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts.

The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip,
The last night when you woke up crying,
Needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket
Wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me still small enough to hold
The last time when you said you'd marry me when you grew old.

Precious simple moments and bright flashes from your past
Would I have held on longer if I'd known they were your last?
Our last adventure to the park, your final midday nap
The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten, last days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League, last colored picture made.
I never said goodbye to all your yesterdays long past
So what about tomorrow? Will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog in that old backyard pond
The last that you ran barefoot across our fresh-cut lawn
Silly, scattered moments and bright flashes from your past
I keep on taking pictures, never quite sure of your last.

The last time that I comb your hair or stop a pillow fight,
The last time that I tuck you in and pray with you at night.
The last time when we cuddled with a book just me and you,
The last time you jump in our bed and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson, the last vacation to the lake
Your last few weeks of middle school, last soccer goal you make.
I look ahead and dream of days that haven't come to pass
But as I do I sometimes miss today's sweet precious lasts.

The last time that I help you with a math or spelling test
The last time when I shout that "Yes! Your room is still a mess!"
The last time that you need me for a ride from here to there
The last time that you spend the night with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster, stealing precious days that pass
I want to hold on longer, want to recognize your lasts.
The last thing that you need my help with, details of a dance,
And the last time that you asked me for advice about romance.

The last time that you talked to me about your hopes and dreams
The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.
I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass
If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold onto your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning, you'll be going far away
College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way
One last hug, one last goodbye, one quick and hurried kiss,
One last time to understand just how much you'll be missed.

I'll watch you leave and think how fast our time together passed
So let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.

To my child:Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundfy, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and wine for the Ice Cream truck, and 1 will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and wont stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonalds and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the

stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV show.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

And when 1 kiss you good night 1 will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I
will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day

4 girls, 4 boys. Until today.

I have so many things I want to talk about today. I decided separate blogs were the best way to go. I want each topic to have it's importance. I don't think I'm a good enough writer to be able to stress each in one blog. Plus I can only get one picture per blog to download and that just won't do!

Today was a whirlwind of a day. # 9 of the Smith-England Clan arrived red faced and waling. I have never missed a birth. Today wasn't going to be the first. 5 births I have been present for. And she can say the same about me as well. (matter of fact she loves to tell how Zac caused her to miss the Nascar Race in Bristle) She was even my driver once while I was in labor. No birth is complete without the others presence.

15 years, 5 husbands, 3 divorces, 9 children, miscarriages, deaths, same places of employment (where they soon learned it was best to keep us together otherwise we'd just slack on the job to conversate with one another) sick children, conversations that lasted all night to many times to count. I am so glad I have had her through this chaos of a life. I am so proud you have a son, even tho you broke our streak of me having four girls and you having four girls.

15 years ago.

Eli's Thursday

Eli's Thursday, a day late. He will be so excited to read about himself. I picked the picture for him. He would have definitely picked something recent. I'm a sucker for the pictures of the boys that were taken the very first times I held them.
Eli was born July 7th, 2003. Easiest pregnancy I experienced. I guess the easy pregnancy came back to bite my tail, because he has been nothing of the sort since he took his first breath!
Eli entered this world a day early. I took a spill here at home and a few hours later at 2:22 a.m..........waalaaa. 7 pounds 13 oz of Satan himself. ;)  (it seems none of my children could arrive at reasonable hours of the day except for Evyn, and he was made to come during daylight hours)
I knew at a really young age that Eli was not like other baby boys. He was extra special. He required little to no sleep. He never cryed. He was always observing his surroundings as if he were memorizing where each thing belonged. He never touched anything. He never moved anything out of it's original place. He was a extra special baby. He still is....
Here's to you sweet boy, a few of your first:
First tooth- Jan. 25
First cold Aug. 28
First food-Aug 1 (cereal)
First haircut-May 6
Walked Aug 13th 2004
First hospital stay- March 5th. oh, which reminds me Mister Eli, you landed me in the hospital on my birthday in 2003. Thank you, darlin'. I had someone to cook clean and clean up my puke for my birthday.

Now, since you are standing here fussing at me at this very moment because you think hypothermia in the pool today seems like a fine idea I have to end Eli's Thursday.

I love you very much. Never ever let anyone tell you you can't do anything you want. (I know you wont have a problem with that. You have never listened to anyone else in your entire 8 years) Know that whatever life throws your way, you always have 3 brothers who will have your back. (so, stop tormenting them)

Catch Up

I sure have missed y'all. It's been a week. A very busy week in the Smith Household. Today will be a catch up day.
Preschool graduation is drawing closer and I am getting more depressed about this with each passing day. It absolutely sickens me to think my baby Zac will be a Kindergartner a week from Friday.
Peyton has been with Mame and Poppy most of the time. Dad needs help on the farm and Peyton is learning it. He will be the one of my kids that never leave the county and becomes a farmer. That's fine with me cause it'll make him happy. He would rather be on a tractor then play baseball any day of the week!
Evyn is getting into EVERY THING. His true colors are really beginning to shine lately. He is going to keep me on my toes this Summer.
Eli is the same ole Eli. Impossible to please and ready to swim! Which brings me to my next topic. Cleaning the pool. All the rain has made the pool near impossible to clean. It's cleared. Finally. But, I cannot get it vacuumed. I vacuum it three times a day and don't seem to be making any headway. Tips on getting this pond ready to swim in would be GREAT!
All the critters are still kicking. No casualties yet. 19 chickens. 1 duck. 2 rabbits and a slew of dogs. We go to Missouri this weekend to add our second Great Dane. A Harlequin male. I have settled on the name, Whitley.
Zachary's Preschool trip was last Friday. We had some a great day. It's rare that I get to spend one on one time with them. We road the train at big South Fork and then on the way home I thought it'd be silly not to stop at Cumberland Falls. It was muddy and rushing over the falls, yet beautiful and peaceful. The resort was empty. I guess it isn't quite tourist season yet. I got some great pictures. It was a good day. Let me say that again.......it was a good day. One I hope he carries it with him till he has children of his own and takes them as well.
Not only am I about to have a Kindergartner, I am also fixing to have a Middle Schooler. (gasp) I always said once my children were older I would continue my own education. As that time grows closer I have absolutely no desire what so ever to go back to college. And that's OK. I am at peace with what I do. If I never do nothing more than raise my puppies and be a homemaker I will be totally satisfied with that. I feel a lot of folks whom have a college degrees are not as comfortable in their life as I am. (next week, I could have a different opinion. I am very indecisive when it come to the subject of what to do when all my kids are in school)
I have fought a stomach bug for 3 days.
 I did shed some Winter weight. Not exactly how I wanted to tho. The view in the bathroom got old.

As for the rest of the week.......tomorrow I need to get back in the swing of things. I missed Eli's Thursday last week. I am looking forward to tomorrows blog that's dedicated to him.
Have a great Hump Day friends. Until tomorrow.......

No more boo-boo's to kiss.

The last couple days have been hectic. End of the school year for 3 school age boys! Yesterday I took graduation pictures for Zac's Preschool class. I am so proud of them! I can't wait to share them........but I have too. :(

Testing has been going on all week for Peyton and Eli. Homework, chores, and our small farm. Busy busy busy. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't know any other way.

This is one of my jobs. Being a Mother. I have done it since I was 18. I put being a Mother above everything else. Before raising puppies and keeping Danny's trucking records. Before being a daughter, friend and even  a wife. No amount of effort goes into anything else like being a Mother.

It dawned on me last night that my babies are growing up. My baby Zac is graduating Preschool in a couple weeks. Next will be Evyn. What will I do when they are all gone? This is all I have ever done, and done well.

What are the plans for your lives when your children are gone. What will you do when you don't have to go school, orthodontist, parent teacher meetings, doctor apts. What will you do when there are no little noses to wipe and boo-boos to kiss?

Let's talk Bleach

So, in my "about me" I threw out the term OCD. I think a lot of people use this term loosely. I thought of this, this morning about 5 a.m. as I was trying to get all my household chores done before I am to be at school to take graduation photographs at 10:30.

I wanted to share the extent of my daily cleaning that MUST be done or it severely affects my quality of life.

Here is a picture of some of the loves of my life that I use EVERY DAY. I thought this would knock out two blogs with one post. My favorites and my rituals.

I always begin with my Kitchen. Dishes are always ready to start washing in the dishwasher because I have already loaded it the night before right before I lay down. After starting the dishwasher I bleach my sink and counters. My Kitchen is not clean to my liking if I do not smell Clorox. I wipe down the stove, fridge, with Fabuloso. (in the purple bottle) If you have not used this product before you need too. It's amazing and has a smell that is very pleasant, yet covers up the smell of little boy piss. Yes, I said it. I have a child who sleep walks and pees in the floor at night thinking for sure he's in the bathroom. This stuff is good for anything. Quick wipe downs to deep cleaning. I have spot shampooed carpet, pretreated laundry and gotten out stains that I knew where set in forever! It lives to its name. Its cheap and fabulous! Viva paper towels. They are grand. You can use and reuse over and over. Of course I never do because thats entirely too germie for me. I have been known to wash dishes with one! Tough little boogers.

I then go to the bathrooms and mop my floors. Bathrooms. Plural. Two. When I say mop, I mean scrub on my hands and knees because that's the only way to get the little boy urine out from behind the camode. I have two children in the house that do use a camode at night but, I'm unsure why because it lands in the floor as well. (at least it's not carpet) I am seriously thinking about lining the area around my camodes with puppy pads. If you think sitting on a camode at night that the seat has been so generously left up on is a bitch, you've obviously never stepped in piss barefooted at 1 a.m.

While I'm in the bathroom I gather dirty clothes, clean the toothpaste off the sinks and clean the mirrors because they are splattered with mint green water and spit by this time because the two big boys have already gotten ready and left for school. Pet peeve-tooth paste on my sinks and mirrors along with a dirty sticky tube of paste. I clean the camodes with "The Works". I descovered this last summer by accident. I have a camode that had not been upgraded since I bought my home. It had terrible hard water stains and I was so ready to just jerk it up and throw it out the back door. I had used every single solitary product that either was or wasnt specifically made to clean a camode. Includding bleach. Nothing worked. I happened up on this stuff in the Dollar Store and thought....well...might as well. OMG!!! AMAZING!!! I will sing the praizes of this stuff still I die or they take it off the market beacause whatever is in it that rips off that hardwater stain in rotting the Earth.

Somehow during these rituals I manage to get Eli ready and out the door. Peyton is old enough to handle himself well in the mornings. I now only make sure he has showered in the last couple days, applied deodorant and brushed his teeth.

Usually by this time it is time to wake Zac, and Evyn is normally waking as well. The fun begins. It's no secret that Zac is impossible to get up and on the bus in the mornings. I have to completely stop my rituals and focus solely on him not missing the bus.

After Zac has left I make all the bed. 5 beds. I don't mean throw the covers over the pillows and call it good enough. They are made perfectly with fitted sheets pulled tight and top sheets have army corners. Pillow end are always facing away from the doors. If they are spotted, smell or if I am just simply "in the mood" I wash them. Huge pet peeve-dirty sheets. They are all washed and changed at LEAST once a week.

I now vacuum. EVERY DAY with a Rainbow Machine. Love it! Buy one! Period! I always use the deodarizer thats sold with it to use in the water. It freshens the dirty dog smell that lingers in the boys bedrooms. Peytons especially.I have used for most of my life started with the one my Mom bought when I was a kid. Magnificant machine.

Once the carpets and hardwood are vacuumed I them mop my hardwood with .........drum roll.........Fabuloso.

Laundry is started. Actually, laundry never stopped. It's nothing for my washer and dryer to be running in the wee hours of the morning because I can't sleep. One tip I have discovered that makes things simpler here is white towels and washrags. They are always bleached. Huge surprise, huh. I never have to worry about a red towel turning my clothes pink. I am very particular about my laundry. No one else is allowed to do it! Ever. Never!

Lastly, I unload my clean dishes and run my empty dishwasher with a cup of bleach. Yep, there's that word again.

All day long I pick up, clean up, straighten up. I do not tolerate stray items littering the house. Everything has a place. I feel bad for my children. They drag toys out to play and I am putting them away while they are still playing. It's moments like these that the OCD affects their quality of life as well.

What are your favorite products and OCD's.

A Blended Family

What a absolutely wonderful weekend.
Danny's birthday was Saturday. I don't think he'd mind me telling y'all he turned 31. Yes, I am a bit older. Not much. I turned 30 before him, and he ever gave me the first bit of grief. Thank you BTW.

We both went and had haircuts. I had all my hair cut off again. Oh how I missed my simple short hair. We then went to eat and then to run some errands. It seems we make a lot of trips these days to TSC for items to maintain our little farm here. I love it tho. We later just went back to Applesbee's and sat at the bar and sipped........ok,  he sipped and I gulped drinks. We rarely get a moment without children, which is the topic of this blog.

Our babysitters for the day/evening were Mike and Lacy. Yes, Peyton's Daddy and second Mother. I don't like the term step mother, and refuse to use it. Let's clear this up right now for those of you wondering. Yes, Mike and I were married. Yes, for several years. Yes, it was a civil divorce. Yes, we have had spits and spats over the years for various things. But one thing remains the same, we married as friends. We divorced as friends. And we remain friends.

There had been women in and out of his life through the years that I did not approve of. Being Peyton's Mother I feel I was entitled to a opinion as to whom was in my child's presence on weekends. That was normally the root of our disagreements. And then in May of 2006 I met Lacy. Zac was 2 months old.

We have what I like to call, a 'blended family". Lacy is the reason! What other new wife would except the ex wife in her life. Not only excepted me, but befriended me. I was asked to be her Maid of Honer in their wedding.  She is one the most kind hearted women I know. Yes, we've had our spats as well, but they were always out of love for our children. Notice I say OUR children. Danny, me, Mike and Lacy have 4 children. Not only Peyton. They treat mine and Danny's children as theirs as well. They have cared for our children during some very difficult times including death and sickness. Not only that, but they care for our children when Danny and I need  to Christmas shop, grocery shop, or simply have a date night.

I know the relationship we have seems odd to most. We don't have society's picture of a divorced couple, but y'all know I am not one to follow society's way of doing anything!

Today I want to thank Mike and Lacy for all thy have done for our children and us. I want to thank Lacy for excepting all my children as her own. Especially Peyton.  I realize now there is no photograph of the 8 of us. (waiting on the 9th, Lacy) or I'd post it wit this blog. That's on my to-do list now. Just to prove how we all love each other and raise these boys together I want to end this blog with something Eli said last week.

"Mom, why don't we all live together? We all love each other so much that it makes no sense for us not to live together"