Just A Few Thoughts From a Parent Having A Bad Day

Someone told me once that you can have multiple children and no two will ever be the same. Each child requires different things at different times and its not the other siblings job to decide whether or not its fair. They are not the adults. The parent is. You do what you feel is best for that child at that time. 

That was 20 years ago when I only had 2 children and no real idea of what they really meant. 

98% of my marital issues have been disagreements on how to raise children. Sometimes, the universe aligns and we think identically. But, most of the time we fight. I go silent. Stew for a couple days. Threaten divorce. Know I'm right and he's wrong. Then roll over and give up because being a single parent is too much for my brain to comprehend all the while still believing I am absolutely right and he is disgustingly wrong.

Back when our kids "quirks" were beginning to develop and show themselves I threw myself into reading and learning all the things. That was roughly 2009. Eli was 6 years old. Zackary 3. I didn't have to read very far to learn that divorce rates for parents with children whom have a diagnoses is significantly higher then those without.

It was in 2011 that I started my Psychology degree. My intentions were to help my children and every one else's children. Now, 10 years later, I'm still treading water most days to guide my own young men. Thinking I would have time to help someone else is almost laughable.

I never finished my degree. Life happened. Most days I feel like I should be grandfathered in as a therapist because I know a few things. Because I've seen a few things. Solved a few things. Heard speakers dozens of times. Been to retreats. Support groups. Church. Dr.'s. Specialist. Therapy for them. Therapy for me. Court. Emergency management placements. Hospitals. Rehabs. Read the books. Drown myself in all the knowledge. I think that's why I carry so much resentment when my husband doesn't agree with my parenting. He's not done those thing's. How could he possibly know what's best when I've raised these kids? Not because he wasn't interested or a bad man. But because he was busy keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. He didn't worry about the kids because he knew "I had it". And I didn't worry about the bills because I knew "he had it".

Trust me when I say that type of thinking can only last so long. After a while I lost myself and became a very pissed off human. It wasn't until death took my best friend of 25 years, 8 months ago, that I started therapy myself. Loosing her was my breaking point. She was the only person I had to bounce my thoughts off of without judgement. If I felt like I was about to loose sight of reality I went to her. If I was about to hang my kids up by their toes, I went to her. If I needed adult conversation, I went to her. She was my person. Since her death, I have had to learn to make Danny my person. It's not been easy because for so many years I tried very hard to not need anyone for anything. 

Our kids are older since I began this blog space for myself all those years ago. Now 22, 17, 15, 11 and 6. And another sweet baby boy has came into our lives. A grandson whom is now 3. 

I imagined years ago when we reached this point in our lives that things would be better. I had this false sense that when the kids were older they would no longer need me. That I was such a badass perfect parent they would reach 18 and fly the coop perfectly and never look back. I failed miserably on so many levels. Because of our "arrangement" all these years........if they fail to fly the coop correctly I feel the only one to blame is me. I was responsible for raising the kids while he handled the rest. Their success or failure is a direct reflection of the foundation I was supposed to build for them.

Just a few thoughts from a parent having a bad day.

Up To Date with Eli and Zackary

  The last few days, between the snow, ice and unbearably cold temps, I have found myself with some free time. I decided to charge up the Kindle and search for something to download and read since I cant slip away to a book store quite as easy I did before.
 
  I'm a fairly frugal lady, so I found myself downloading the free trial pages, reading those, then moving on to something else. Nothing really seemed worth the entire purchase.
 
  I have never really cared for fiction reads. I love self helps, biography's, ect. The last several years I have buried myself in books about children and their diagnoses as well as blogs of others parents who raise them. I can relate to those parents. I find comfort in reading them. The more I read, the more I said "hey, it's like that here too".  I started to wonder why I waste my "free time" reading these stories that are identical to mine as opposed to writing my own post. I use to do that a lot and found great comfort in sharing our own moments. And like most everything else I do, I stopped for fear people would get tired of hearing about it. But, being a parents of two special children, I know I never get tired of reading about others. I cry with those parents. I laugh with those parents. And I rejoice with those parents.

  I think it's time for a update on my boys.

  Eli is doing really well. Last Fall we finally found another Dr. that suited me. He started him on a new cocktail of medications that together have changed that kid in ways I thought would never happen. He hugs us, kisses us, talks to us. He screams less in anger and shows more healthy emotion. he is completing his school work efficiently as well as checking and double checking his work. He has been on the honor roll all year. The move to a private school was the best move for him as well as Zackary. Currently he is on 27mg Concerta, 25mg Zoloft, 1mg Risperdal x2 and Trazodone as needed for sleeplessness.  Just recently he has taken a interest in staying with Mom and Dad a couple nights a week. Between all these changes, I have found myself actually exhaling.

  Along with the new Dr. last Fall, Danny and I also decided it was time to think about his future. We decided to look into applying for disability for Eli. My fear for the last several years were that if something were to happen to me, I needed to know Eli was taken care of. I wanted to make sure he'd always have a good insurance that allowed him good mental health care and with drawing disability it opened the door for him to have services that we otherwise couldn't afford or were not offered to him. Disability is such a harsh word that I told only a few people of our intentions. After all, he's not physically disabled. He's not even mentally disabled. He has challenges that are crippling, yes. But, unfortunately it is what it is and it's labeled "disability".  I skipped filing on our own first and went straight to a lawyer. He fit all the criteria to be approved right off the bat but there was one problem. You see, we have college funds for each of the boys. Because Eli has a account in his name in excess of  two thousand dollars, the lawyer said we would still be denied. I sulked about this for several weeks. I am simply trying to secure his future. I feel we shouldn't be punished for wanting him to be able to attend college if he chooses to. That pretty much brings us up to date with male child number 2. Now, lets move along to number 3.

  Zackary is doing well in school as well. Matter of fact, he does so well that I forget he too needs attention. He is always quite. Never complains. Rarely ask for anything. His work is beyond perfect. He's has almost completed a entire year of school and starting on the next grade level soon. He cruises through life so quitly and easy that when he does have a few bad days it leaves me in total disarray. It slips my mind that he IS on the Autism Spectrum.

  Zackary was diagnosed sorda informally two years ago when I took him to Eli's Dr. because something wasn't quite right. At that time the Dr. said, "IF there were to be a Aspergers scale from 1-10, 10 being the most extreme case, Zackary would be a 4. Over the last couple years I'd peg him to be a 6 now.  This year many more of the traits have came to surface. he has extreme reactions to minor upsets. He cannot be flexable with plan changes. He gets stuck on topics. Danny and I aggravate him and say his button is stuck. He gets upset by ambiguous language and interprets language very literally. He's a concrete thinking. Things are very black and white. He has difficulty making and keeping friends. (I know exactly what my three friends are thinking who are reading this. Just keep your two cents to yourself. I already know where Zackary received this Aspie trait and don't need you telling me.)  He also use to really enjoy a particular little gal here in our neighborhood but now he just finds those visits uncomfortable and hides in his room. His coordination has not improved either. I still only allow him to drink from cups with lids and he doesn't even try to carry plates of food or cereal bowls to and from the table anymore. He knows he wont make it there. He still finds comfort in jumping, twirling, flapping and flipping. He taught himself how to do back and front handsprings. It's amazing to see him do it. I know this must sound like he has no quality of life but you couldn't be more wrong. He laughs and he laughs a lot. It's the most beautiful sound in this entire house. He enjoys "winning". He loves games and competition. Yes, when he looses it's tragic to his mood. But when he wins it's as if he bubbles over. I use to hope he improved with his thinking but nowadays I find myself hoping he never ever changes and remains like this throughout his whole life. He is perfect.

  I hope all my fellow parents are surviving this weather. I'm anxious to hear how things are with you all. What have you done to keep the kids happy and busy this winter?
 

  Today is their 100th day of school and their Valentines Party. Here's a photo preview of their festivities.

 

It seems I've gotten away from blogging since summer began. One could say I've been busy.

Might as well jump in feet first with this one.

Zackary had a Aspergers evaluation last week. We were borderline. Our pediatrician (being the woman that she is.....and I love her for it erred that he wasn't Autistic but that he suffered from a Anxiety disorder and some separation anxiety that was brought on by Eli. O.K. I'll take that........but only till I got home long enough to realize this needed to be looked into further. We will be seeing a Eli's Dr. in Aug. for a more thorough evaluation. Her advice to me was and I quote "Kathy, your job as a parent is to work yourself out of a job." Ouch. That hurt. I suppose I don't want my job as a parent to ever be over. She continued by saying "make him get out of your lap. Make him participate in activities with other children. Tough love. Don't allow him to have fits and cry." Double ouch. She's always been one to tell it like it is. But, my gut is screaming I need a second opinion. After researching this disorder more thoroughly I fell Eli also has a degree of high function Autism. This was mentioned to me a few weeks ago by his therapist. This will be a new journey for me. But, I'm ready to learn.

It was brought to my attention last year around this time that Zack had some odd quirks. I shoved it under the rug. I think partly because I was in denial. I already had my hands full with Eli and my Mommy at the time. I always thought Karma was cutting me a break with Zack. He's such a loving,   happy, honest boy. He's quite. He never bother anyone and prefers to be alone in his room. he doesn't like crowds nor loud noises. He's a peaceful boy. Now I realize that his little quirks are substantially worsening and it's time to get a good opinion from someone with the experience. If he feels the same as me and my closest friends and family then we will address it at that time.

In case your curious here's his little issues. He hates bells, horns whistles, motors, ect. He cannot get his fingers in his ears quick enough to muffle these noises. He's always had this issue. I thought he just had sensitive ears. He flips, bounces, flaps, and hops constantly unless he is alone in his room lining up his cars strategical so. He melts down often almost as if he cant find words to express himself. This also has been since he was little bitty. He was a easy baby and toddler. Polar opposite of Eli. I often wonder how I missed these things. Teachers have talked about how he isolated himself during playtime at school and how they would have to pair him with other children. I still did not stop to think something was going on. I was too busy putting out Eli's fires and retrieving him off the roof and out of the road. We also see the obsession. The last year it's been "eating healthy." This may seem normal to you but let me elaborate. He knows what foods have fats and what doesn't. He refuses to drink or eat anything with sugar or high fat content. And yes, he is just as educated about foods as a adult. I call him my little Richard Simmons. He also refers to himself in the third person as Super Zack.

This has been what's consumed me the last few weeks. I'm very anxious to see if my assumptions are correct or if he just indeed suffers from a Anxiety disorder as suggested.

Tomorrow night we will be having a support group meeting at my home. I'm ready for it. These ladies are amazing. I encourage any caregiver of children dealing with emotional or mental disorders to come if you can. I can't say enough about these women.

My advice to you....if you notice things that are not right or if your gut is telling you something is not quite right....get a Dr.'s opinion. We as parents tend to let things slide and live in denial when really what we are doing is not allowing our children valuable time to receive help to cope and live a healthy happy life.