Just A Few Thoughts From a Parent Having A Bad Day

Someone told me once that you can have multiple children and no two will ever be the same. Each child requires different things at different times and its not the other siblings job to decide whether or not its fair. They are not the adults. The parent is. You do what you feel is best for that child at that time. 

That was 20 years ago when I only had 2 children and no real idea of what they really meant. 

98% of my marital issues have been disagreements on how to raise children. Sometimes, the universe aligns and we think identically. But, most of the time we fight. I go silent. Stew for a couple days. Threaten divorce. Know I'm right and he's wrong. Then roll over and give up because being a single parent is too much for my brain to comprehend all the while still believing I am absolutely right and he is disgustingly wrong.

Back when our kids "quirks" were beginning to develop and show themselves I threw myself into reading and learning all the things. That was roughly 2009. Eli was 6 years old. Zackary 3. I didn't have to read very far to learn that divorce rates for parents with children whom have a diagnoses is significantly higher then those without.

It was in 2011 that I started my Psychology degree. My intentions were to help my children and every one else's children. Now, 10 years later, I'm still treading water most days to guide my own young men. Thinking I would have time to help someone else is almost laughable.

I never finished my degree. Life happened. Most days I feel like I should be grandfathered in as a therapist because I know a few things. Because I've seen a few things. Solved a few things. Heard speakers dozens of times. Been to retreats. Support groups. Church. Dr.'s. Specialist. Therapy for them. Therapy for me. Court. Emergency management placements. Hospitals. Rehabs. Read the books. Drown myself in all the knowledge. I think that's why I carry so much resentment when my husband doesn't agree with my parenting. He's not done those thing's. How could he possibly know what's best when I've raised these kids? Not because he wasn't interested or a bad man. But because he was busy keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table. He didn't worry about the kids because he knew "I had it". And I didn't worry about the bills because I knew "he had it".

Trust me when I say that type of thinking can only last so long. After a while I lost myself and became a very pissed off human. It wasn't until death took my best friend of 25 years, 8 months ago, that I started therapy myself. Loosing her was my breaking point. She was the only person I had to bounce my thoughts off of without judgement. If I felt like I was about to loose sight of reality I went to her. If I was about to hang my kids up by their toes, I went to her. If I needed adult conversation, I went to her. She was my person. Since her death, I have had to learn to make Danny my person. It's not been easy because for so many years I tried very hard to not need anyone for anything. 

Our kids are older since I began this blog space for myself all those years ago. Now 22, 17, 15, 11 and 6. And another sweet baby boy has came into our lives. A grandson whom is now 3. 

I imagined years ago when we reached this point in our lives that things would be better. I had this false sense that when the kids were older they would no longer need me. That I was such a badass perfect parent they would reach 18 and fly the coop perfectly and never look back. I failed miserably on so many levels. Because of our "arrangement" all these years........if they fail to fly the coop correctly I feel the only one to blame is me. I was responsible for raising the kids while he handled the rest. Their success or failure is a direct reflection of the foundation I was supposed to build for them.

Just a few thoughts from a parent having a bad day.

Up To Date with Eli and Zackary

  The last few days, between the snow, ice and unbearably cold temps, I have found myself with some free time. I decided to charge up the Kindle and search for something to download and read since I cant slip away to a book store quite as easy I did before.
 
  I'm a fairly frugal lady, so I found myself downloading the free trial pages, reading those, then moving on to something else. Nothing really seemed worth the entire purchase.
 
  I have never really cared for fiction reads. I love self helps, biography's, ect. The last several years I have buried myself in books about children and their diagnoses as well as blogs of others parents who raise them. I can relate to those parents. I find comfort in reading them. The more I read, the more I said "hey, it's like that here too".  I started to wonder why I waste my "free time" reading these stories that are identical to mine as opposed to writing my own post. I use to do that a lot and found great comfort in sharing our own moments. And like most everything else I do, I stopped for fear people would get tired of hearing about it. But, being a parents of two special children, I know I never get tired of reading about others. I cry with those parents. I laugh with those parents. And I rejoice with those parents.

  I think it's time for a update on my boys.

  Eli is doing really well. Last Fall we finally found another Dr. that suited me. He started him on a new cocktail of medications that together have changed that kid in ways I thought would never happen. He hugs us, kisses us, talks to us. He screams less in anger and shows more healthy emotion. he is completing his school work efficiently as well as checking and double checking his work. He has been on the honor roll all year. The move to a private school was the best move for him as well as Zackary. Currently he is on 27mg Concerta, 25mg Zoloft, 1mg Risperdal x2 and Trazodone as needed for sleeplessness.  Just recently he has taken a interest in staying with Mom and Dad a couple nights a week. Between all these changes, I have found myself actually exhaling.

  Along with the new Dr. last Fall, Danny and I also decided it was time to think about his future. We decided to look into applying for disability for Eli. My fear for the last several years were that if something were to happen to me, I needed to know Eli was taken care of. I wanted to make sure he'd always have a good insurance that allowed him good mental health care and with drawing disability it opened the door for him to have services that we otherwise couldn't afford or were not offered to him. Disability is such a harsh word that I told only a few people of our intentions. After all, he's not physically disabled. He's not even mentally disabled. He has challenges that are crippling, yes. But, unfortunately it is what it is and it's labeled "disability".  I skipped filing on our own first and went straight to a lawyer. He fit all the criteria to be approved right off the bat but there was one problem. You see, we have college funds for each of the boys. Because Eli has a account in his name in excess of  two thousand dollars, the lawyer said we would still be denied. I sulked about this for several weeks. I am simply trying to secure his future. I feel we shouldn't be punished for wanting him to be able to attend college if he chooses to. That pretty much brings us up to date with male child number 2. Now, lets move along to number 3.

  Zackary is doing well in school as well. Matter of fact, he does so well that I forget he too needs attention. He is always quite. Never complains. Rarely ask for anything. His work is beyond perfect. He's has almost completed a entire year of school and starting on the next grade level soon. He cruises through life so quitly and easy that when he does have a few bad days it leaves me in total disarray. It slips my mind that he IS on the Autism Spectrum.

  Zackary was diagnosed sorda informally two years ago when I took him to Eli's Dr. because something wasn't quite right. At that time the Dr. said, "IF there were to be a Aspergers scale from 1-10, 10 being the most extreme case, Zackary would be a 4. Over the last couple years I'd peg him to be a 6 now.  This year many more of the traits have came to surface. he has extreme reactions to minor upsets. He cannot be flexable with plan changes. He gets stuck on topics. Danny and I aggravate him and say his button is stuck. He gets upset by ambiguous language and interprets language very literally. He's a concrete thinking. Things are very black and white. He has difficulty making and keeping friends. (I know exactly what my three friends are thinking who are reading this. Just keep your two cents to yourself. I already know where Zackary received this Aspie trait and don't need you telling me.)  He also use to really enjoy a particular little gal here in our neighborhood but now he just finds those visits uncomfortable and hides in his room. His coordination has not improved either. I still only allow him to drink from cups with lids and he doesn't even try to carry plates of food or cereal bowls to and from the table anymore. He knows he wont make it there. He still finds comfort in jumping, twirling, flapping and flipping. He taught himself how to do back and front handsprings. It's amazing to see him do it. I know this must sound like he has no quality of life but you couldn't be more wrong. He laughs and he laughs a lot. It's the most beautiful sound in this entire house. He enjoys "winning". He loves games and competition. Yes, when he looses it's tragic to his mood. But when he wins it's as if he bubbles over. I use to hope he improved with his thinking but nowadays I find myself hoping he never ever changes and remains like this throughout his whole life. He is perfect.

  I hope all my fellow parents are surviving this weather. I'm anxious to hear how things are with you all. What have you done to keep the kids happy and busy this winter?
 

  Today is their 100th day of school and their Valentines Party. Here's a photo preview of their festivities.

 

*If you want to borrow my children for a free meal........please inbox me.

Thursday. 3 days after Monday Cleaning Day I am still surrounded by a dirty house. Today I am tired and it all is a bit over whelming to look at. I washed a few dishes even tho I have a perfectly fine dishwasher. I owe this to my mother-in-law, Diane. I have never known this woman to use a dishwasher in the 8 years I have known her on a personal level. I have never ask her her reasons for not using a perfectly good dishwasher but,I think they would probably be much like mine. You don't have to wash off spots or left over dried food. Hand washing is much milder on pots, pans, stoneware and tupperware. And whats the point of running a dish washer 3 times to clean a plate that eventually has to soak in dishwater and be washed by hand anyway? Diane, you would be happy to know the love of hand washing dishes has rubbed off on me.  This was not supposed to be a entry on washing dishes.  This was supposed to be a entry on the wild hair I got on Evyn's 2nd birthday.

January 5th. I loaded up all the boys and headed to town after school. Very rarely do I feel patient, loving and kind enough to take all four kids anywhere. On this particular day I was filled with love, guts and glory. I made my mind up to take all of them to Coltons for supper. It was Evyn's 2nd birthday and by golly someone was going to bring him cake and sing to that child! I decided Coltons was my better option of the sit down restaurants in Glasgow because the kids could eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor. Don't laugh. Unless you have more than one child you cannot possibly fathom the panning that goes into a outing with 4 children.

Entering places together makes me nervous. I am a "first impressions" kinda gal. If you screw up the first minute with me you have officially gained nothing but the stink eye from me for eternity.

I would prefer to enter places with Danny. I do not like the idea of going somewhere with my herd and people thinking I am a single mother.  No disrespect to the fabulous single mothers I know. They work hard. Unfortunately I know a few single Mothers who play harder and forget they have children. When I am out with this bunch alone, I think their thoughts probley go something like this. "Look at that woman. She has 4 kids. Oh my gawd. They are all boys. I bet they have different Daddy's. Probaley just had all those kids to live off the government. Look, she is flashing that wedding band like she wants us to see it. It's probley just a ploy. I'd bet money she sits home on her arse and watches soaps all day while living off child support and food stamps". You get the idea.....

We sit at our booth, which I requested. Peyton traps Eli in the inside and I trap Zac. Evyn is the head of our table in a high chair. Right off the bat the fight begins over the one bucket of peanuts. 4 kids. One bucket. Shit, it didn't enter my mind that this would be a issue. They must have planned this maneuver on the way here to throw me off my game. Sneaky little herd.

We order our drinks. Eli demands root beer in a bottle. The waitress very kindly looks at me and says "there are no free refills on bottles. It's be a better idea for him to pick another soft drink to save you a little." I agreed with this woman. Not because I cared to pay for a second flippen bottle of root beer for Eli but because I knew he only wanted a bottle because the man next to us was enjoying a Bud. Eli just wanted to feel old. I knew this. He was irritated that I ask for a coke for him, and that she agreed to bring it. When she turned to walk away he threw his peanut shells over her head.

Ordering the food was no walk in the park. It was late afternoon and Eli's AD/HD meds were wearing thin in his little ornery body. He threw a fit when I made him and Pey half a full order of ribs as opposed to buying two half orders and paying double. Of course the waitress witnessed these fits of rage.

In the end Evyn got his ice cream float and a song. Zackary cried because he wanted it to be his birthday. The waitress brought him one, too. Eli was a disaster. His ribs were not cooperating and getting his hands too dirty for his liking. The 4x4 hand wipes they brought just didn't cut it.  Poor Pey. He had been helping me keep Evyn seated and was worn out. I feel confident these trips are great birth control for Pey. I don't feel like he will ever go uncovered later in life (much later I hope) after our Coltons trip.  Throw in some normal bickering among brothers and you've got a recipe for embarrassment.

The waitress brought me my ticket and informed me she didn't charge me for several items. Wonderful. This poor woman thinks we crawled out from under a rock to eat out on this child's birthday. She felt bad for charging me. I bet she thought I was spending diaper money so these kids could have their first sit down meal. 5 people ate that night at a steak house for under 30 bucks. Suckers!!!

Little Bipolar Boy Who Cried Wolf

Here's the thing with my Bipolar child, he wouldn't know the truth if it was staring him in the face and he love to argue. If I told him the sky was blue he would argue it was orange and swear on a stack of Bibles to it. Over the years I have learned his lying signs. He can't for the life of him look me in the eye when he's lying. I always pick at him about it too. Sometimes now if he tries real hard he can pull one over on me.

The last few days he has complained of a ear ache and sore throat. I played into his complaints by giving Tylenol and sore throat spray. It never one time crossed my mind to take him to the Dr. He makes daily trips to the school nurse to ditch class. It's always been this way for years. Sore throat, head ack, tummy ache, itchy spot, big toe hurts, ect. I let him stay home yesterday but did not really take his complaints serious. Today was the same way. He woke up and was complaining. I dressed him and intended to make him get on the bus and go. He began to cry. He cries a lot but especially when he is mad. It's a very angry cry. Today his school was taking a trip to see a play. I assumed he was having some crowd anxiety and did not want to attend the play. I told him the only way he was staying home would be if we went to the Dr.,  and he welcomed the idea. I threaten him with in a inch of his life that if we got there and he was faking I'd be one mad Mommy. (that was not my exact words)

What did we discover at the Dr? Double ear infection. I SUCK! He has complained for days and I have let it go in one ear and out the other. No pun intended. The child has lied so much that I let him lay here sick for days and it never crossed my mind to take him to the Dr.

He took his first dose of Antibiotics at lunch. By 5 pm he was puking. I don't normally investigate the contents of puke but something about this puke scared the hell out of me. It was blood tinged. After a few phone calls we decided he must have ulcers. He sure is no stranger to strong medications and they have simply ruined his poor little stomach. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know he can't take any more medications till we get to the bottom of this. The puking has stopped. I feel like the antibiotics was too strong for his little empty stomach. A couple years ago I would have stopped all medications and put my foot down. I have grown and became much more knowledgeable now and know he can't thrive without them for many days. Stuck, between a rock and hard place.

Before Eli's Dr appointment I had one of my own. I have never been one to take care of myself. I'm older tho, and it's high time to start. I suppose during Mom's darkest days I completely ran myself ragged and still have not completely recuperated. I had a complete blood workup done today. I'm hoping for a simple case of the lazies. Either way I'm sure it's nothing some B12 and Iron can't cure.

So now I lay here in the bed with a slight essence of vomit in the air, and blog. Thank goodness for this blogging stuff that I've discovered. It's such a fantastic was to empty my thoughts and have no judgement cast on me. At least not from my most dedicated readers who seem to think I'm some sort of Super Mom. Far from it! No one makes flat jokes. I'm taken serious and not laughed at. You laugh with me when the time is right but never at me. Thank you. Today's events have made me mad, made me feel like a shitty mother, scared me, made me sigh in relief and giggle at times. I'm glad I can share them with you. You all have became my escape. I hope you each have a wonderful Thanks Giving. Today I am thankful for my readers who support me in our journey to LIVE with Bipolar.

Raising Bipolar

http://raisingbipolar.com/2011/11/17/the-new-psychiatrist/

I subscribe to several blogs that parents write about their Bipolar children. This one hit so close to home that I had to share it. I know exactly how this Mother feels. She took the words right out of my head.

 This following paragraph she wrote and is my favorite of this entry!! I get so sick of people whether it be doctors or acquaintances who are scared to use the term Bipolar!! It's not a bad word!! Bipolar, Bipolar Bipolar!!! It's not "typical little boy" behaviours either. Deal with the word. Learn to use the word and stop dancing around the word like it's some form of vulger language!

 Dude, wtf, who the crap cares what you call it? If it makes you feel better to call it Mood Disorder NOS, go for it.   Call it ‘Der Wienerschnitzel’ if you want but let’s not mess with what’s working.    And honestly, let’s not debate what bipolar looks like in a teen.  If your child gets so hyper that they can’t attend school, can’t concentrate, make terrible decisions, engage in dangerous behavior, have no peace of mind, racing thoughts, racing speech, superhuman strength, can’t sleep, can’t relax, get delusional, get paranoid, hear things, see things, have debilitating nightmares…it’s not just a case of the ‘hypers’.  For peet’s sake.  Let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

Replacement Batters

 Why start something that's just going to cause me more stress and disappointment. That's my train of thought today. School was a lovely idea but that's where it belongs. Just as a idea in my head. I can only do one thing well at a time and at this time it's being a mother most days and a daughter the rest. Some can do it. I am not one of those. I have no doubts my kids would suffer for it. I don't even have time to study for the Placement test. Why on Earth I thought I'd have time to attend class is beyond me. I'm going to gracefully bow out. Hey....ya never know maybe when Evyn starts school in a couple years the situation will be different. Show me a woman with 4 small children, one of which is a 20 month old and a business to run who kicked butt in college and I'll consider changing my mind. Oh, and she can't have a baby sitter either. :)  I seriously doubt anyone of you who really know me are suprised that I backed out.....again. It's ok you can laugh at me. I always seem to have ideas that are bigger than I am. Hey, a gal can dream.

  Now, back to the real world. Mom is on the back side of this Manic Episode. It's still a uphill battle every day for her but she's doing it!! Climbing. I am watching her over come this and I am so proud of her. Most would have crawled under a rock and gave up. Not her tho. I don't think she recalls alot of the events from the last several weeks but that's for the best. The past does not matter. What's important is she came out swinging. And when she could not swing anymore, she had people who loves her that swung for her.  That's what friends and family are for. Replacement batters. 

  We found a truck. Unfortunately we are looking at a week before it's transferred into Danny's name. Lots of bank issues, red tape and signing papers. If I understand correctly it currently has a lean on it and that sorda thing takes time to release.

  I have been sitting on Luke Byron tickets for a month. Thursday is the night. Looks like I won't be attending tho. We are so broke we have been walking to Mom's. The walking won't hurt me none tho. I could stand to loose a few pounds. Danny has been home 2 weeks and insist on buying Cokes. When they are in the house I have to drink them. I have no will power. I never have. That's why I have quit smoking about 6 times. Even up to a year, then started back.

  Eli is doing well. He is in a bit of a manic phase himself. He was up all last night. Tonight he had a sedative. Mommy is on the same sedative as well. They work well for the most part if the patient isn't extremely manic. During the week Mom was so severe and was up almost 200 hours a horse tranquilizer wouldn't have put her down. I have not experienced this type of mania with Eli.......yet. I feel prepared tho.

  Peyton quit basketball. Hunting season has rolled around and he found it interfered entirely to much with deer season.

  Zac is doing fantastic. Learning to read!! He reads to me everyday.

  Evyn is like a weed. He grows in his sleep. He is in to everything. Climbing, talking, fusing, breaking things, and needing less and less sleep. I am seeing some AD/HD in him. I know you may think it's impossible to see at such a young age, but you would be mistaken. We call him Little Eli. And for good reason.

  So, that's the Smith Gang in a nutshell over the last couple of days. Hope you guys had a good Monday.

 
 

The Medication Debate and A Plea for HELP!!

      I have been in limbo with whether medication was necessary for Eli to function well since he was first diagnosed AD/HD at the age of 4.

     I read all the books on diet change, and herbal remedies. I spoke to several Dr's and saw a gentleman who specialises in Iridology  .http://ezinearticles.com/?Iridology---Diagnosing-Disease-by-Looking-Into-Your-Eyeballs&id=3925465

     I left no stone unturned trying to manage Eli without medication. Even still I get away from medication sometimes in the Summer due to the fact that he still doesn't eat well when he takes it and is very underweight for his age and height.

     The bottom line is, he functions better on meds. We tried several before I found a cocktail of meds that work exceptionally well for him. We use Concerta  http://www.concerta.net/ and Depakote http://bipolar.about.com/od/depakote/a/qf_depakote.htm. I have learned over time and trials that one will not work without the other. These two together have made a world of difference in Eli. It wasn't easy.  It took 4 years.

  Afternoons are a bit chaotic at times. We have to have just a little help from medication sometimes when things are on the edge for him. We tried low doses of AD/HD meds, Benedryl, ect. but until a few months ago had no success.  It was suggested to me by a Psychiatric Nurse Prac. (who also happens to be a sister to me) that Clonidine sometimes works. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonidine  JACKPOT! We are now living and managing and not struggling everyday. Yes, he/we still have days that are not pleasant but we also have days that are almost normal.

  I know in the end you have to decide for yourself. I just wanted to share what works for my son.

  I am open to suggestions on how to put some weight on my baby. We have tried appetite stimulants with no success. He normally is hungry around 8 pm and only wants things he can hold. No foods can touch each other. Soups, Salads, plate meals are out of the question. Thank you OCD for those irritating bonuses. We have tried milkshakes and they worked for a while but after a few days they get old as well. I need foods high in fat but somewhat healthy.  HELP!! Ok, go..............

WaShEd Up AnD wOrN oUt

I have postponed blogging for several days in hopes that when Evyn naps I will have some sort of masterpiece that will come to mind. Unfortunately, the second Evyn lays down and I retreat to my bedroom sleep spontaneously happens for me as well. Exhausted is a understatement. Mentally and physically. Sorry if this one is  disappointing. There is one major thought in my head today that need to surface. I'll jump in feet first......

Eli has been seeing a therapist once a week for several weeks. Something I hadn't intended to share due to his privacy and mine but I think keeping this under such wraps for so long is why these types of things have such a negative stigma. We saw a group of specialists last June and he was diagnosed with 5 disorders. AD/HD, OCD, Early Onset BiPolar, Depression and Conduct Disorder. The advice given to me was talk therapy, medications and to continue being the parent i was being because he seemed to be thriving.

I have completely submerged myself with this child and helping him to have a healthly whole life since I was first introduced to the idea that he had something else going on in his little mind at the age of  5.  I eat, sleep and breath ideas that will help us all cope and coexist in this house together with the least amount of chaos.  Let me make a few things clear. There are NO therapist in the area that specialize in children. The handful I have found do not bill insurances. Its all self pay. If your insurance reimburses you, then good for you. If they don't.......well it's not their baby to rock. My child is priority but therapy can range anywhere for 250 to 350 a visit. depending on if I wanted to speak to the therapist as well. I realize a childs health does not have  a price tag, but that's steep. Where would Eli be if i had to work 3 jobs and never be home.  Currently we are working through Lifeskills and I am very pleased with the gentleman he sees.  Insurance covers it......FOR NOW. There is even talk of having home visits. I am looking very forward to this. My first request was to help Eli let some thingS go. Stuff, that is. Things he holds onto that don't have meaning to me but are extremely important to him. Salt packets for example. LOTS of them.

I now keep a diary so we can kinda begin to see a pattern. The better we understand him, the more efficiently I can help him. I feel really good about this. I know so far this entry seem vague but I still haven't completely dropped my guard when it comes to discussing my baby boy. I stay so scared for him. So afraid something I may do or say will make his life harder. Please don't judge my son by what I say. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else to speak openly about mental disorders and depressive behaviors in their children. There is no support groups that I can speak of. I'd love to start one but simply don't know where to even begin or  how to even categorize it since Eli has been tagged with 5 separate things at this point without complete certainty on any of them except AD/HD and OCD.

Today is a terrible day for Eli. During the morning rush I forgot his medication. I could could make excuses for myself and say I was tired, I was up the last two nights with a fussy Evyn, the morning routine is so hectic that I cant do it all perfectly all the time...........and that all is very true, but it's excuses and not reasons. I chose to have four children and I can't make excuses for myself when I severely screw up. I royally did just that this morning. Screw up. Now we are all paying for my mishap. Just since 3 pm he has spit in Zac's face, cussed, said terrible things to me. Things that are heart breaking. But, I have to continue to tell myself that children with these problems treat the one they love the most, the worst. Children with these disorders treat the one they love the most, the worst. He loves me. He loves ME. That's why he treats me this way.  I'm just not feeling it today. I have sat here and took blame for things that are completely out of my control today but that's just part of it. This is my life. Our life. Days like today he is miserable and he makes each of us miserable right along with him.  I have to walk away to keep from having thoughts that I should just put him in inpatient and stop trying.

He just ate lead. When I told him that it was dangerous he said....."I'd like to die" This sweet smiling face that you see in this picture actually said "I'd like to die."

Now tell me why there is no support group for us? No support for the children who's faces get spit in, slapped, cussed, ect.  Why is there no support group for parents who are washed up, worn out, abused, used, lied too, hit, screamed at?

Dancing in the Rain

Summer Break has officially began and I am already on a war path. I want to say one thing and get it off my chest.
Eli is a child. He has feelings and a soul and can hear the words that come out of peoples mouths whether it be good or bad. Yes, he has some issues sometimes but for the most part he is a normal child that likes to play, joke, run, jump. swim, play baseball, fish and he's entitled to have friends just the same as any other child. I had a feeling outing him and his diagnoses on my blog would cause some of his friends parents to question allowing their children to befriend him. But, I felt it's not something to be hid nor ignored but dealt with head on. If you have decided it isn't best for your children to befriend my child anymore because he's "sick," then SHAME ON YOU!
I have a lovely, amazing son. A son that is no different on the inside then your son. Period.

*sigh* Today was it. The last day of school. here we go friends. Let the fun begin. You can expect lots of blogs where I laugh, cry, question my sanity and maybe even buzz blog. I apologize in advance for those now. Crank some Adele and Lady Gaga and lets get this Summer started!!  Dance in the rain a little. (or under the NMVFD hose like Eli is here)

Eli's Thursday

Eli's Thursday, a day late. He will be so excited to read about himself. I picked the picture for him. He would have definitely picked something recent. I'm a sucker for the pictures of the boys that were taken the very first times I held them.
Eli was born July 7th, 2003. Easiest pregnancy I experienced. I guess the easy pregnancy came back to bite my tail, because he has been nothing of the sort since he took his first breath!
Eli entered this world a day early. I took a spill here at home and a few hours later at 2:22 a.m..........waalaaa. 7 pounds 13 oz of Satan himself. ;)  (it seems none of my children could arrive at reasonable hours of the day except for Evyn, and he was made to come during daylight hours)
I knew at a really young age that Eli was not like other baby boys. He was extra special. He required little to no sleep. He never cryed. He was always observing his surroundings as if he were memorizing where each thing belonged. He never touched anything. He never moved anything out of it's original place. He was a extra special baby. He still is....
Here's to you sweet boy, a few of your first:
First tooth- Jan. 25
First cold Aug. 28
First food-Aug 1 (cereal)
First haircut-May 6
Walked Aug 13th 2004
First hospital stay- March 5th. oh, which reminds me Mister Eli, you landed me in the hospital on my birthday in 2003. Thank you, darlin'. I had someone to cook clean and clean up my puke for my birthday.

Now, since you are standing here fussing at me at this very moment because you think hypothermia in the pool today seems like a fine idea I have to end Eli's Thursday.

I love you very much. Never ever let anyone tell you you can't do anything you want. (I know you wont have a problem with that. You have never listened to anyone else in your entire 8 years) Know that whatever life throws your way, you always have 3 brothers who will have your back. (so, stop tormenting them)

Calming Eli

Yesterday was such a great day with 3 of my boys. Eli went to his grandparents and fished with his Poppy (my Daddy) all day. The rest of us worked in the yard, had a visit with family who came in and made a run to town for little critters.
When I was a kid I was NOT a fan of animals. I was as "girly" as they came. My Little Pony's was the closest thing to a animal as I wanted.
After the boys came along my interest changed, drastically. In 12 years we own or have owned the following:    Pot Bellied Pig
                  Fish
                  Dogs (my fav, obviously)
                  Cats (whore cats that came here)
                  Birds
                  Goat (Peyton named him Blacky. He was solid white)
                  Chickens/Roosters
                  Rabbits
Yesterday we brought home baby chickens and two rabbits. I think the employees at TSC thought these animals were Easter related gifts but they were not.
We have had chickens here before. I absoultly love having fresh eggs. I don't eat eggs for reason I'll tell you about another day. :)  I enjoyed sitting on the porch watching them eat all the insects out of my yard. They began to roam to the neighbors porch and poop there. It wasn't long until we had to find them another chicken lover home. I'm hoping these stick around better.
Now, the rabbits are my point of this blog. They are for Eli. Eli struggles with life and day to day living more then most little boys his age. He has AD/HD and OCD which is under control for the most part. He is also be treated for Bi-Polar Disorder. This is the first time I have said this out loud to anyone other than my close friends and family. Not because I was ashamed of this but because I didn't want Eli looked at differently than any other 7 year old child. As with any other child, he has good days and bad days. His bad days are just a bit more extreme then most. He has never had a animal of his very own. I thought about this for a long time and decided that this responsibility could be very rewarding for all of us. My intentions are that he will keep his room clean because HIS rabbits don't like clutter. (Eli is a Hoarder in ever sense of the word) I also think he will be calmer and quieter and be more aware of his behavior because HIS rabbits are a little nervous. Screaming and fit throwing makes them scared and sad. (like he is sometimes)
On the other hand I am scared to death for him because he has never dealt with death before. We have had animals to die before and I have always protected him from this. Simply put, I lied every single time about what really happen to these missing animals. This is why I waited so long to buy him something of his very own. These babies will be ALL HIS. He will feed, water and play with these babies. And if one passes for whatever reason he will notice before I will. I have this over whelming urge to check the cage every single morning before he wakes to make sure I don't need to remove a stiff rabbit and tell him how it hopped out during the night to be with his best friend who lives in the woods that he missed so very much. (oh my, I already have the lie planned out)
My question is. Did I mess up by upping the odds for Eli to have to get his heart broken? Should we protect our children from death?