Wednesday, January 23, 2019

My biological Grandmother has passed away. I’ve often wondered how I would feel when someone from my other family left this world. The verdict is still out because the opportunity to grieve her death properly was stolen from not only myself, but the rest of her family.

Mary was the first person I met from my biological dads side of the tree. I was around 21 years old if my memory serves me correctly. She lived in a big civil war home in Jonesville, Va that was equally as intriguing as she was.

My sister from my mothers side of the tree introduced us one evening. My exsistance didn’t surprise her. After looking me up and down a few times she invited me in her home and began to explain to me how I was wanted and she’d fought for me to the best of her ability at the time. But in those days there was little to be done when the birth certicate identified no father. We exchanged addresses, phone numbers, and some photos and stayed in contact like clockwork for several years.

Mary was a little tiny hot headed blonde with no filter who enjoyed her alcohol. I connected to her from the moment we met. She had no filter. If she thought it, she said it. This was much different from the Granny I had growing up.

This was a time in my life that was very difficult. I’d met this brand new family. Soon after I went through a divorce, and then another. I had children and then more children. As time passed we spoke very little. I take responsibility for that. I should have done better. But I made excuses that if she wanted to speak to me she would have. Looking back now I realize that it was equally as much my responsibility. 

When her health began to decline there was no one to receive updates on her from. And I blame that on her son. Yes, my biological father. He wasn’t exactly Daddy material. Not to me, or my siblings that he actually raised. And I use the word “raised” loosely.  He wasn’t a spectacular son either. He made decisions that certainly were not In her best interest, and there was nothing we could do. 

So yesterday, I discovered she passed. Last April. Alone. No service to speak of. No family at her bedside. Not knowing how much she meant to any of her family. And that is what I’m struggling with. 

I can’t wrap my mind around why her son would intentionally hide her death from everyone. Not just me.  

So this entry is for my little hot headed Nana. I blame my Hazard, Ky  actions that seep out on occasion on her and I pray she’s resting peacefully because I know her last years were not what she deserved here on Earth. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

I ran away from home when I was 17 years old. Or maybe I was 16. I can’t remember now. It was cold outside. I had $50.00 to my name and a boyfriend more mentally disturbed then I was. We were like the blind leading the blind.

I can’t explain what I was running from. School. Rules. People. Up until recently I suffered with severe anxiety and my cure for everything was to self destruct and run. It wasn’t drugs related or alcohol related. I just needed away. immediately. So one night I was out with my far worse off then me fella and I just drove. And drove. And drove. I wanted to be an adult. I wanted to be in my own place away from all the things, people and places that I thought was my problem. I know now the problem was me and the people I chose to surround myself with. I was drawn to people who needed my help when in reality I was doing a piss poor job of helping myself. 

We slept in my car with no definite plan of where we were going or how we were going to survive. By night two on the run I called home collect and was back home hours later.

I was expecting the wrath of God to come forth from my parents when I walked back through the door but instead Momma just hugged me and cried. She asked me if I was cold, or hungry or tired. At times as a mother myself I have come to understand why she didn’t have it in her her to lecture me and drop punishment immediately. 

The State Police were looking for me. The church was praying for me. My Friends were being questioned. I had my small community in a total panic because I thought life was hard. 

It wasn’t until my late 30’s that I healed mentally and emotionally. It could have came a lot quicker had I just recognized that I needed to stop surrounding myself with people who needed my help and start putting my efforts into people who just wanted my friendship. That is a hard lesson to learn because all the sweet memes on Pinterest will tell you how rewarding it is to help others and build others up. Just remember, it’s necessary that we have people who do that for us as well.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

mental illness is an asshole

I am the face of a mother who in that moment was done. Done being an adult. Done being a parent. Done being a wife. Just done.
Being the mother of two special children test my ability every single day. Some days I come out victorious but most days I’m severly defeated. Today was one of those days.
Eli is at an age now that he doesn’t want his name mentioned on any of my social media outlets. So this last year I’ve remained silent. Silence helps no one so today I’m breaking his rule.
Today started much like any other day for him. He woke at 12 pm ready to preach the reasons why he shouldn’t have to do his online school work. You see, he remains home schooled because our county is a dam joke and can’t (won’t) accommodate to his needs.
I have taught myself over the years to be a duct, however, today his insults and threats were not rolling off my back.
At some point I grabbed a hold of him in an attempt to get his attention and my nails scraped his neck. It was pretty much down hill from there because a scraped neck was grounds for him to accuse me of trying to kill him. Yea. It gets a bit dramatic around here when he’s on his Eli Thrown.

Now, let me give you a bit of my own time line events that led to this battle.

My three year old puked pizza and chocolate milk all night long. So yea. Chocolate milk. Pizza. Maybe some fruity pebbles but I can’t be certain. We managed to get some rest from 4-6 this morning. At 6 I get the other two ready for school. They still attend a private school.

So on very few winks of sleep today I was defeated.  Broken. Tired. Frazzled.

He informed me that on the outside he might be smiling but on the inside he was ripping out our throats. It was at the point I had to just retreat to the bathroom and collapse on the floor defeated.

By the time I was finished with my small breakdown he had reset. He was laughing. Ready to do his school work. Mental illness is such an asshole.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Today was a normal day. 

We started our day out earlier than we have most of the Summer so far. Before 10am. Don't laugh. Maddy~Kate has had a strange sleep schedual lately. To sleep at 11. Up from 1-3ish. Back to bed till 1030. The last couple nights I've gotten her to bed at 830 and she's slept most of all night only waking to nurse herself back to sleep. Yes, she's 2 1/2 and still nurses. 

We made a early morning trip to a road side market where I purchased 4 watermelon. All four were terrible and thrown out. 

Laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping. All the ordinary things that keep this house from smelling like butt. A trip to Edmonton to drop off some pretties to a few of my fabulous customers. Back home to work Lucky Duck a while and then retreated to the living room to watch To Joey, with Love. Beautiful by the way. Sad. Inspiring. Gut wrenching. Watch it. 

Tonight has been a hard night for Eli. I'm not quite sure which button of his was pushed, but it was the wrong one. Explosive crying. It's hard to watch a nearly 14 year old have such massive meltdowns. But they are few and far between so long as he stays on track with his medication and sleeps regular. I don't think people realize how much a healthly mentality revolves around good sleep. I was told by a Dr that everyone needs 5 solid hours of sleep in order to be healthy mentally and physically. 

Tomorrow is the 4th. We don't have huge plans. We decided to take the kids back to the ocean this Fall. It'll be Maddys first trip and the boys 3rd. The boys understand between now and then we have to penny pinch.  Just a few fireworks from a stand will be our limit. 

I hope yalls 4th is happy, healthy and safe. 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Catch Up X 5 = a long post.

Let's do this y'all. Wow, I've missed sitting down with my own thoughts and putting them down on paper so to speak. 
It's going to take me a few post to catch up so let's jump right in feet first. 
Oldest to youngest. 
Peyton turned 18 In January. High school is behind him and has been since last year. Now it's the real world of bills, fiancĂ© and baby on the way. That's right. I'm gonna be a Grammy in October to a bouncing baby boy and we are so ready to spoil him rotten and send him home with his parents. 

Eli.........14 next month. 
New Dr. and receiving disability. This is his life and we have imbraced it fully. He is still home schooled. I still use a technique called "unschooling". Basically, I want him to be able to do his own laundry, balence his own money and care for himself in the event something happens to me. Unschooling uses everyday life and turns it into a learning experience. 
He's on a new med that's right on the bullseye. Saphris. It's been doing a fablous job since January. Insurance won't cover it. $740.00 a month. But that's a blog for another day when I want my blood pressure up. 

Zackary. 11 last March. Autistism is more profound now. He's older and knows he different. It's been a hard year for him. Kids can be such assholes. He's so stinking brilliant it's scary. His mind is beautiful. We just sit back in awe of the information he has hidden away in that brain of his that he can sift through and pull out at any given time like a walking Encyclopedia. 

Evyn is all boy. 7 years old now. Sweet. Conniving. Hard working. Loves to farm. Hunt. Help Daddy on the farm. And Daddy loves to have him around when he's mowing hay, planting corn and beans, working cattle.......Evyn is saving up everything he's learning. No doubt to farm one day too. He says it's a toss up between the Airforce and farmer. 

Miss Maddy is 2. Spoiled so much she stinks. She loves Minnie Mouse, Play Doh and swinging. She's a Daddy's girl except at bedtime.  She will spark many post . Daddy calls her TK (tornado Kate) and she lives up to the name well. 

Thankfully, as for me, I'm pretty much back to 100% now. 
Separated pelvis has healed. It was right at 2 years before I could go all day and not make a weird sudden move and be reminded of it with a sharp pain. 
Postpartum Anxiety is under control now with Celexa and I have no plans of stopping it. Ever. 
I have gone back to work. I'm back in full swing with my own buisness adventure. Lucky Duck Discount.
Danny has gone to day time work so he can be home to help me with the kids. Have a teen that's suffering with an conduct disorder and preteen on the spectrum gets overwhelming. But we are getting through it and the kids are doing very well. 

I am looking very forward to getting back into sharing our moments with y'all. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Wet/Dry Vote and a Glass of Wine

Living as a Christian is hard. Especially with all the things out in the world that the devil disguises himself with. It might be a pretty lady who never nags like your wife does. It might be a handsome smile from a man who makes time for you while your husband is swamped with work. It might be that little bit of pot you smoked to forget about your problems for a while. It might be the whiskey you drink to fall asleep faster at night.
I have been guilty of almost every one of these things. But I'm still a Christian. I fail God every single day.

I take spells that I live closer then other times. I'll wear nothing but dresses. I'll keep my tattoos covered. I'll not drink a drop. I'll not slip the occasional 5$ word and I'll attend church often. During these times my life will significantly take a turn for the better. Everything will sorda fall into place beautifully. And then, I get tired of living this straight and narrow way and slip and have a glass of wine. Slip and cuss like a sailor. Lay out of church for weeks at a time. Sure as I'm sitting here my life begins a downward spiral.

Watching this county and our residents attack each other over this wet/dry vote has absolutely broken my heart.

I display a "vote no" sign. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I never ever slip and have the occasional drink. Not because I go to Church and am better then anyone else.

I think God gives each of us different convictions. Some of us wear dresses every single day and that pleases Him. That was their own personal conviction. Some of us send our children to Christian School or Home school. That's our own personal conviction and it pleases Him. Some of us pray before every single meal.
It was my conviction to vote no. And it will please Him. Two weeks Down the road I'll probably slip and have that glass of wine and He will be disappointed in me.

If you vote Yes you are no less of a Christian then me. You could be the one that prays before every meal. You could be the one who would never consider a tattoo. You could be the one who says your prayers before bed like clock work. Voting Yes will disappoint God but he won't disown you. He won't disown any of us as long as we continue to try live for Him.

Vote No. Vote Yes. You vote anyway you want. Just remember in the end that it's God in control of how this county will progress or not.
If we all prayed about our county as much as we have talked about each other's opinions the last month I imagine we'd see some stuff happen around here.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. One Year Old Is What You Are.

Maddy~Kate is one.  
I decided to log into Blogger and determine just exactly how far I was behind. It's frightening. There is no possible way I can catch up. They best thing to do would be follow us on Instagram #adayinthelifeofmaddy. There you can see our entire first year together. 

As for our blog, I'm ready to get back down to regular stuff. 

This year has been filled with a lot of joy, pain, disappointments, hospitalizations for Eli, Peyton getting his drivers license, postpartum anxiety, medications and changes, the loss of my Granny and opening a store. 

Currently Eli is being homeschooled and the store is a work in progress. I have never been good at several things at once but this year I've given it my best shot. A few things had to be weaned away. I'm not pursuing my photography as much other than our own family photos. 

I have weaned Eli off all his medications except for an "as needed" Valium. I have done this many times before and gave in a few days into the process and restarted them again. This time has been different. He has had so many out of home placements the last twelve months and everyone has done their own med changes. Everyone has had their opinions on what he needed to be taking. I decided they were all wrong. We are a month into this process and he's already sleeping and eating like a normal preteen. This is the first time in his life he has slept past 6 a.m..

This year Peyton also moved back home and restarted his regular school. He is now certified in welding and within the next week he will be joining the Guard. He has a plan and it's a good one. 

Danny went off the road and is home now every night. We began this change when the postpartum anxiety hit me like one of the trucks he's drove. It's no joke people. Sometimes people can thrive without med and sometimes they can't. I was one who couldn't. I tried to make myself better but I couldn't. I found myself loading up my kids and newborn and driving myself to the hospital one evening convinced I was dying. That was the last straw. Turns out that I had healing to do mentally as well as physically after a traumatic delivery that ended in a separated pelvis and very painful postpartum 8 weeks. Now I can finally relive those days without being nauseous. For the longest time I avoiding even looking at the birth photos. 

But now here we are one year into this new life and things are as near to perfect as they have ever been for us. If I had only hit the billion dollar powerball. 

I can't wait to start sitting down and taking time to write again. I miss it a lot. 

Lots and love and hugs to you all. Thanks for sticking with me during my lull for blogging.