Tuesday, January 23, 2018

mental illness is an asshole

I am the face of a mother who in that moment was done. Done being an adult. Done being a parent. Done being a wife. Just done.
Being the mother of two special children test my ability every single day. Some days I come out victorious but most days I’m severly defeated. Today was one of those days.
Eli is at an age now that he doesn’t want his name mentioned on any of my social media outlets. So this last year I’ve remained silent. Silence helps no one so today I’m breaking his rule.
Today started much like any other day for him. He woke at 12 pm ready to preach the reasons why he shouldn’t have to do his online school work. You see, he remains home schooled because our county is a dam joke and can’t (won’t) accommodate to his needs.
I have taught myself over the years to be a duct, however, today his insults and threats were not rolling off my back.
At some point I grabbed a hold of him in an attempt to get his attention and my nails scraped his neck. It was pretty much down hill from there because a scraped neck was grounds for him to accuse me of trying to kill him. Yea. It gets a bit dramatic around here when he’s on his Eli Thrown.

Now, let me give you a bit of my own time line events that led to this battle.

My three year old puked pizza and chocolate milk all night long. So yea. Chocolate milk. Pizza. Maybe some fruity pebbles but I can’t be certain. We managed to get some rest from 4-6 this morning. At 6 I get the other two ready for school. They still attend a private school.

So on very few winks of sleep today I was defeated.  Broken. Tired. Frazzled.

He informed me that on the outside he might be smiling but on the inside he was ripping out our throats. It was at the point I had to just retreat to the bathroom and collapse on the floor defeated.

By the time I was finished with my small breakdown he had reset. He was laughing. Ready to do his school work. Mental illness is such an asshole.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Today was a normal day. 

We started our day out earlier than we have most of the Summer so far. Before 10am. Don't laugh. Maddy~Kate has had a strange sleep schedual lately. To sleep at 11. Up from 1-3ish. Back to bed till 1030. The last couple nights I've gotten her to bed at 830 and she's slept most of all night only waking to nurse herself back to sleep. Yes, she's 2 1/2 and still nurses. 

We made a early morning trip to a road side market where I purchased 4 watermelon. All four were terrible and thrown out. 

Laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping. All the ordinary things that keep this house from smelling like butt. A trip to Edmonton to drop off some pretties to a few of my fabulous customers. Back home to work Lucky Duck a while and then retreated to the living room to watch To Joey, with Love. Beautiful by the way. Sad. Inspiring. Gut wrenching. Watch it. 

Tonight has been a hard night for Eli. I'm not quite sure which button of his was pushed, but it was the wrong one. Explosive crying. It's hard to watch a nearly 14 year old have such massive meltdowns. But they are few and far between so long as he stays on track with his medication and sleeps regular. I don't think people realize how much a healthly mentality revolves around good sleep. I was told by a Dr that everyone needs 5 solid hours of sleep in order to be healthy mentally and physically. 

Tomorrow is the 4th. We don't have huge plans. We decided to take the kids back to the ocean this Fall. It'll be Maddys first trip and the boys 3rd. The boys understand between now and then we have to penny pinch.  Just a few fireworks from a stand will be our limit. 

I hope yalls 4th is happy, healthy and safe. 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Catch Up X 5 = a long post.

Let's do this y'all. Wow, I've missed sitting down with my own thoughts and putting them down on paper so to speak. 
It's going to take me a few post to catch up so let's jump right in feet first. 
Oldest to youngest. 
Peyton turned 18 In January. High school is behind him and has been since last year. Now it's the real world of bills, fiancĂ© and baby on the way. That's right. I'm gonna be a Grammy in October to a bouncing baby boy and we are so ready to spoil him rotten and send him home with his parents. 

Eli.........14 next month. 
New Dr. and receiving disability. This is his life and we have imbraced it fully. He is still home schooled. I still use a technique called "unschooling". Basically, I want him to be able to do his own laundry, balence his own money and care for himself in the event something happens to me. Unschooling uses everyday life and turns it into a learning experience. 
He's on a new med that's right on the bullseye. Saphris. It's been doing a fablous job since January. Insurance won't cover it. $740.00 a month. But that's a blog for another day when I want my blood pressure up. 

Zackary. 11 last March. Autistism is more profound now. He's older and knows he different. It's been a hard year for him. Kids can be such assholes. He's so stinking brilliant it's scary. His mind is beautiful. We just sit back in awe of the information he has hidden away in that brain of his that he can sift through and pull out at any given time like a walking Encyclopedia. 

Evyn is all boy. 7 years old now. Sweet. Conniving. Hard working. Loves to farm. Hunt. Help Daddy on the farm. And Daddy loves to have him around when he's mowing hay, planting corn and beans, working cattle.......Evyn is saving up everything he's learning. No doubt to farm one day too. He says it's a toss up between the Airforce and farmer. 

Miss Maddy is 2. Spoiled so much she stinks. She loves Minnie Mouse, Play Doh and swinging. She's a Daddy's girl except at bedtime.  She will spark many post . Daddy calls her TK (tornado Kate) and she lives up to the name well. 

Thankfully, as for me, I'm pretty much back to 100% now. 
Separated pelvis has healed. It was right at 2 years before I could go all day and not make a weird sudden move and be reminded of it with a sharp pain. 
Postpartum Anxiety is under control now with Celexa and I have no plans of stopping it. Ever. 
I have gone back to work. I'm back in full swing with my own buisness adventure. Lucky Duck Discount.
Danny has gone to day time work so he can be home to help me with the kids. Have a teen that's suffering with an conduct disorder and preteen on the spectrum gets overwhelming. But we are getting through it and the kids are doing very well. 

I am looking very forward to getting back into sharing our moments with y'all. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Wet/Dry Vote and a Glass of Wine

Living as a Christian is hard. Especially with all the things out in the world that the devil disguises himself with. It might be a pretty lady who never nags like your wife does. It might be a handsome smile from a man who makes time for you while your husband is swamped with work. It might be that little bit of pot you smoked to forget about your problems for a while. It might be the whiskey you drink to fall asleep faster at night.
I have been guilty of almost every one of these things. But I'm still a Christian. I fail God every single day.

I take spells that I live closer then other times. I'll wear nothing but dresses. I'll keep my tattoos covered. I'll not drink a drop. I'll not slip the occasional 5$ word and I'll attend church often. During these times my life will significantly take a turn for the better. Everything will sorda fall into place beautifully. And then, I get tired of living this straight and narrow way and slip and have a glass of wine. Slip and cuss like a sailor. Lay out of church for weeks at a time. Sure as I'm sitting here my life begins a downward spiral.

Watching this county and our residents attack each other over this wet/dry vote has absolutely broken my heart.

I display a "vote no" sign. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I never ever slip and have the occasional drink. Not because I go to Church and am better then anyone else.

I think God gives each of us different convictions. Some of us wear dresses every single day and that pleases Him. That was their own personal conviction. Some of us send our children to Christian School or Home school. That's our own personal conviction and it pleases Him. Some of us pray before every single meal.
It was my conviction to vote no. And it will please Him. Two weeks Down the road I'll probably slip and have that glass of wine and He will be disappointed in me.

If you vote Yes you are no less of a Christian then me. You could be the one that prays before every meal. You could be the one who would never consider a tattoo. You could be the one who says your prayers before bed like clock work. Voting Yes will disappoint God but he won't disown you. He won't disown any of us as long as we continue to try live for Him.

Vote No. Vote Yes. You vote anyway you want. Just remember in the end that it's God in control of how this county will progress or not.
If we all prayed about our county as much as we have talked about each other's opinions the last month I imagine we'd see some stuff happen around here.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. One Year Old Is What You Are.

Maddy~Kate is one.  
I decided to log into Blogger and determine just exactly how far I was behind. It's frightening. There is no possible way I can catch up. They best thing to do would be follow us on Instagram #adayinthelifeofmaddy. There you can see our entire first year together. 

As for our blog, I'm ready to get back down to regular stuff. 

This year has been filled with a lot of joy, pain, disappointments, hospitalizations for Eli, Peyton getting his drivers license, postpartum anxiety, medications and changes, the loss of my Granny and opening a store. 

Currently Eli is being homeschooled and the store is a work in progress. I have never been good at several things at once but this year I've given it my best shot. A few things had to be weaned away. I'm not pursuing my photography as much other than our own family photos. 

I have weaned Eli off all his medications except for an "as needed" Valium. I have done this many times before and gave in a few days into the process and restarted them again. This time has been different. He has had so many out of home placements the last twelve months and everyone has done their own med changes. Everyone has had their opinions on what he needed to be taking. I decided they were all wrong. We are a month into this process and he's already sleeping and eating like a normal preteen. This is the first time in his life he has slept past 6 a.m..

This year Peyton also moved back home and restarted his regular school. He is now certified in welding and within the next week he will be joining the Guard. He has a plan and it's a good one. 

Danny went off the road and is home now every night. We began this change when the postpartum anxiety hit me like one of the trucks he's drove. It's no joke people. Sometimes people can thrive without med and sometimes they can't. I was one who couldn't. I tried to make myself better but I couldn't. I found myself loading up my kids and newborn and driving myself to the hospital one evening convinced I was dying. That was the last straw. Turns out that I had healing to do mentally as well as physically after a traumatic delivery that ended in a separated pelvis and very painful postpartum 8 weeks. Now I can finally relive those days without being nauseous. For the longest time I avoiding even looking at the birth photos. 

But now here we are one year into this new life and things are as near to perfect as they have ever been for us. If I had only hit the billion dollar powerball. 

I can't wait to start sitting down and taking time to write again. I miss it a lot. 

Lots and love and hugs to you all. Thanks for sticking with me during my lull for blogging. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Heaven, Hell & Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Vitimins

It has been too long since I last posted. And to be quite honest, I don't have time but I had to post this in case it happens to another kiddo. 

Last night Evyn got into the gummy vitamins and ate what I estimated to be 45. I bought the bottle just two days prior and knew  how many should be in there with exception of what I'd given them. 

I called poison control. 

After looking up the particular brand we had they determined he'd be perfectly fine because they contained no Iron, they were all water soluble and its take 300 of them to reach a dangerous level of vitimin A. 

They informed us he didn't need anymore vitimins for 30 days and to expect a belly ache. 

I decided then and there I was done with vitimins that tasted like candy. Period.

Once I realized he'd be ok, I put the fear of God in him. 

Me: Evyn Tripp! That's so dangerous. You can't ever take more then the recommended doses of medications. I love you and I'm not ready for you to see Jesus yet. 

Evyn: I hope it's Jesus and not the other one. :/

(I had to snicker a little at that)

This morning when he woke up he immediately announced, "Mom!! I'm ok. I didn't see Heaven or Hell."

I'm pretty sure this will be a story he tells his own children. ;)

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Postpartum Anxiety. The stuff that Hell is made of.

Like most stories I've read about Postpartum diagnoses, I was hesitant about telling mine for fear I would jinx myself and tomorrow would be a bad day. But, I have to have faith that I am on the road to recovery and not focus on the "what if's" anymore. 
My story actually begins during pregnancy. And if I were really being honest it began many many years ago. I've struggled with anxiety and OCD my entire life to an extent. 
I have 4 wonderful boys that range in age from 5-16 years old. And finally I was pregnant with my sweet baby girl. As soon as her gender was determined the thoughts started to enter my mind that things were too good and something terrible was going to happen to me. Women die during deliver. It could happen to me. I had a lump appear under my arm that I was certain was breast cancer. It disappeared after delivery and was a milk duct just as my Dr had said it was. I cried a lot. For no reason. More so then I did during the boys pregnancies. I made myself miserable and couldn't look forward to her birth because I knew I was going to die. 
Her deliver was not perfect by no means. I separated my pelvis and was unable to walk without a walker for 6 weeks. The first two weeks are a blur but week by week I got through it. 
Walking with a walker and nursing a rather large baby girl (ten pounds at birth)put a terrible strain on my upper back and I developed breast bone pain as well from the strain. Since delivery tried to kill me and didn't succeed I convinced myself I had a heart condition and that's what the pain in my chest was. I went to the ER were EKG and blood work was normal. Almost. The level that determines the clotting ability of your blood came back elevated. I had thick blood and was put on an Aspirin regimen. Yay, that I didn't have a heart condition but now I had a new set of worries. Thick blood......meant I was going to have a stroke. Not really. But that's what my anxiety was telling me. Anxiety breeds anxiety and I was on a roller coaster I couldn't get off of. 
I worried constantly. I couldn't enjoy my baby girl I'd waited for for so long. I smiled and laughed at her but it was forced. I loved her and held her and rocked her and nursed her but something was missing. My sanity. Peace of mind. Dieing in my sleep was a fear and the kids waking up and finding me dead.  I kept thinking about how awful it would be if I died in my sleep and My baby girl layed there next to my dead body all night. I have lived on my own for almost 20 years married to truck driver who's rarely home and It never bothered me. But I found myself begging him to quit his job and asking my mommy to come stay with me at night because I was scared to be alone. Feelings of fear would wash over me and I would be clammy and light headed. Misery is an understatement. 
I finally gave in and started Zoloft. Crazy thoughts entered my mind. What if I snapped and hurt myself or worse.......starting medication was an easy decision once I started having crazy invasive thoughts. 

The first few days were terrible but they improved and are still improving. I find that I don't focus on "what if's" much anymore. I don't scream at my kids anymore. I love My baby girl. She feels so real now. Not just temporary. 

I'm by no means healed but I fell so much better. I hope someone reading this is has been told they need medication try's it. Not just for a few day but for at least a week. I wish I had done this years ago. I'd always thought I wasn't the type that needed medication but as it turns out, I am that type. And I am so much better off. I feel like a better mom. Patient. Kinder. My older son said "Mom, you seem so much happier with me lately". And that was all the proof I needed.