Little Bipolar Boy Who Cried Wolf

Here's the thing with my Bipolar child, he wouldn't know the truth if it was staring him in the face and he love to argue. If I told him the sky was blue he would argue it was orange and swear on a stack of Bibles to it. Over the years I have learned his lying signs. He can't for the life of him look me in the eye when he's lying. I always pick at him about it too. Sometimes now if he tries real hard he can pull one over on me.

The last few days he has complained of a ear ache and sore throat. I played into his complaints by giving Tylenol and sore throat spray. It never one time crossed my mind to take him to the Dr. He makes daily trips to the school nurse to ditch class. It's always been this way for years. Sore throat, head ack, tummy ache, itchy spot, big toe hurts, ect. I let him stay home yesterday but did not really take his complaints serious. Today was the same way. He woke up and was complaining. I dressed him and intended to make him get on the bus and go. He began to cry. He cries a lot but especially when he is mad. It's a very angry cry. Today his school was taking a trip to see a play. I assumed he was having some crowd anxiety and did not want to attend the play. I told him the only way he was staying home would be if we went to the Dr.,  and he welcomed the idea. I threaten him with in a inch of his life that if we got there and he was faking I'd be one mad Mommy. (that was not my exact words)

What did we discover at the Dr? Double ear infection. I SUCK! He has complained for days and I have let it go in one ear and out the other. No pun intended. The child has lied so much that I let him lay here sick for days and it never crossed my mind to take him to the Dr.

He took his first dose of Antibiotics at lunch. By 5 pm he was puking. I don't normally investigate the contents of puke but something about this puke scared the hell out of me. It was blood tinged. After a few phone calls we decided he must have ulcers. He sure is no stranger to strong medications and they have simply ruined his poor little stomach. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know he can't take any more medications till we get to the bottom of this. The puking has stopped. I feel like the antibiotics was too strong for his little empty stomach. A couple years ago I would have stopped all medications and put my foot down. I have grown and became much more knowledgeable now and know he can't thrive without them for many days. Stuck, between a rock and hard place.

Before Eli's Dr appointment I had one of my own. I have never been one to take care of myself. I'm older tho, and it's high time to start. I suppose during Mom's darkest days I completely ran myself ragged and still have not completely recuperated. I had a complete blood workup done today. I'm hoping for a simple case of the lazies. Either way I'm sure it's nothing some B12 and Iron can't cure.

So now I lay here in the bed with a slight essence of vomit in the air, and blog. Thank goodness for this blogging stuff that I've discovered. It's such a fantastic was to empty my thoughts and have no judgement cast on me. At least not from my most dedicated readers who seem to think I'm some sort of Super Mom. Far from it! No one makes flat jokes. I'm taken serious and not laughed at. You laugh with me when the time is right but never at me. Thank you. Today's events have made me mad, made me feel like a shitty mother, scared me, made me sigh in relief and giggle at times. I'm glad I can share them with you. You all have became my escape. I hope you each have a wonderful Thanks Giving. Today I am thankful for my readers who support me in our journey to LIVE with Bipolar.

Raising Bipolar

http://raisingbipolar.com/2011/11/17/the-new-psychiatrist/

I subscribe to several blogs that parents write about their Bipolar children. This one hit so close to home that I had to share it. I know exactly how this Mother feels. She took the words right out of my head.

 This following paragraph she wrote and is my favorite of this entry!! I get so sick of people whether it be doctors or acquaintances who are scared to use the term Bipolar!! It's not a bad word!! Bipolar, Bipolar Bipolar!!! It's not "typical little boy" behaviours either. Deal with the word. Learn to use the word and stop dancing around the word like it's some form of vulger language!

 Dude, wtf, who the crap cares what you call it? If it makes you feel better to call it Mood Disorder NOS, go for it.   Call it ‘Der Wienerschnitzel’ if you want but let’s not mess with what’s working.    And honestly, let’s not debate what bipolar looks like in a teen.  If your child gets so hyper that they can’t attend school, can’t concentrate, make terrible decisions, engage in dangerous behavior, have no peace of mind, racing thoughts, racing speech, superhuman strength, can’t sleep, can’t relax, get delusional, get paranoid, hear things, see things, have debilitating nightmares…it’s not just a case of the ‘hypers’.  For peet’s sake.  Let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

Replacement Batters

 Why start something that's just going to cause me more stress and disappointment. That's my train of thought today. School was a lovely idea but that's where it belongs. Just as a idea in my head. I can only do one thing well at a time and at this time it's being a mother most days and a daughter the rest. Some can do it. I am not one of those. I have no doubts my kids would suffer for it. I don't even have time to study for the Placement test. Why on Earth I thought I'd have time to attend class is beyond me. I'm going to gracefully bow out. Hey....ya never know maybe when Evyn starts school in a couple years the situation will be different. Show me a woman with 4 small children, one of which is a 20 month old and a business to run who kicked butt in college and I'll consider changing my mind. Oh, and she can't have a baby sitter either. :)  I seriously doubt anyone of you who really know me are suprised that I backed out.....again. It's ok you can laugh at me. I always seem to have ideas that are bigger than I am. Hey, a gal can dream.

  Now, back to the real world. Mom is on the back side of this Manic Episode. It's still a uphill battle every day for her but she's doing it!! Climbing. I am watching her over come this and I am so proud of her. Most would have crawled under a rock and gave up. Not her tho. I don't think she recalls alot of the events from the last several weeks but that's for the best. The past does not matter. What's important is she came out swinging. And when she could not swing anymore, she had people who loves her that swung for her.  That's what friends and family are for. Replacement batters. 

  We found a truck. Unfortunately we are looking at a week before it's transferred into Danny's name. Lots of bank issues, red tape and signing papers. If I understand correctly it currently has a lean on it and that sorda thing takes time to release.

  I have been sitting on Luke Byron tickets for a month. Thursday is the night. Looks like I won't be attending tho. We are so broke we have been walking to Mom's. The walking won't hurt me none tho. I could stand to loose a few pounds. Danny has been home 2 weeks and insist on buying Cokes. When they are in the house I have to drink them. I have no will power. I never have. That's why I have quit smoking about 6 times. Even up to a year, then started back.

  Eli is doing well. He is in a bit of a manic phase himself. He was up all last night. Tonight he had a sedative. Mommy is on the same sedative as well. They work well for the most part if the patient isn't extremely manic. During the week Mom was so severe and was up almost 200 hours a horse tranquilizer wouldn't have put her down. I have not experienced this type of mania with Eli.......yet. I feel prepared tho.

  Peyton quit basketball. Hunting season has rolled around and he found it interfered entirely to much with deer season.

  Zac is doing fantastic. Learning to read!! He reads to me everyday.

  Evyn is like a weed. He grows in his sleep. He is in to everything. Climbing, talking, fusing, breaking things, and needing less and less sleep. I am seeing some AD/HD in him. I know you may think it's impossible to see at such a young age, but you would be mistaken. We call him Little Eli. And for good reason.

  So, that's the Smith Gang in a nutshell over the last couple of days. Hope you guys had a good Monday.

 
 

I wished for peace. But, you can have it back. I don't want it anymore.

Today was quite. It absolutely flew by. No frantic calls for help. I stayed home most of the day. This morning I did go to Mom's house and just walked around. Looking for something to do. I needed to feel useful. I thought I'd be relieved today when my phone didn't ring off the hook. I thought being home would be a wonderful thing. I thought not having to correct her manic thoughts would be a nice change. I was wrong. I miss her terribly. I find myself worrying more. Are they giving her medication correctly. One should be taken with food. One should be given 3 times a day. One needs to be increased. One will help her rest but only if she isn't too manic. If she worries about Dad, she needs to be reassured in a calming manner and not spoken to like she's lost her mind. If she worries about her heart racing she needs to be reassured that she is not having a heart attack, it's just her anxiety. If her BP is high it causes her to have a terrible headache and when she gets those she needs to be reassured that she isn't having a stroke. She had so many thoughts whirling around in her mind 24/7. She loved to talk to me.  She repeated herself over and over but I always listened as if it were the first time I had heard it. We talked all day and most of the nights a lot.  Nightly talks were not  of the best nature because she always became more frantic at night. Most nights I was intercepting the 911 calls she had made or the calls she had made to other family menbers asking them to come quick to the house because Dad had died. She is allergic to any wash powder but Tide and is so particular about her her clothes. She only wares dresses ya know. She isn't allowed hangers, so her dresses I packed her are folded in drawer. I seriously doubt they have a ironing service. She likes her back rubbed in a certain spot to relax. She has the best belly laugh on the planet. Every day I made her laugh one way or another even if it was at my own expense. I bet they won't do that there. She loves her hair fixed a certain way. She comes from a generation that still teases hair and sprays the hell outa it with Vita Net Hair Spray. Her brush, teasing comb and spray was not allowed there. 

For the first time in my entire life she confided in me. My opinion mattered. She called me ALOT. She talked to me ALOT. She ask me for help. She told me she loved me and appreciated me and was sincere. She trusted me. During her good moments she told me things she'd never told me before. I'm not sure what caused the change in her, but she trusted me. She was my friend and my Mommy. How did I thank her........I betrayed her. I tricked her into getting into a car and taking her to a facility to be locked away.

She looked at me with tears rolling as they escorted her throught the double doors last night and said  "Please don't do this. How could you do this to me. You tricked me. I'm done with you." I can still see her face. She was disapointed in me. I had hurt her. I've saw that face many times during my life.

When or if she ever recovers I don't think she will ever forgive me for what I done.

Ignorant and Nurse. There isn't much of a differnce in the two words.

I have so many things I want to talk about but just don't have the energy do even type it all today. My Mother is now in a facility in Indiana. We took her last night. She was so mad and so hurt when she figured out we were leaving her there. We had no choice. Medications needed to be managed by a Doctor and she was beginning to be unpredictable. The last 3 days have been roller coaster. I now have two people in my life who have been diagnosed Bipolar. Ironic since  there is no blood relation between my Mom and my son. (I was adopted)
The events leading up to us finally committing her inpatient  are s unbelievable to me. I will say only a few things about her actions. For those of you that she has  called at all hours of the nights, I apologize for her. Daddy does not have Alzheimer's. I have gotten several calls from friends and family asking about him. He is perfectly healthy. I am told the brain can only take so much stress before it throws a switch, so to speak. It begins to protect itself. A way she does is is by convincing herself that it'Daddy thats sick and not her.  Mom does not have Alzheimer's that we are aware. She was checked for it. She was diagnosed with Dementia. At this time we are unsure if the dementia is a being caused by the Bipolar or if these are two seperate issues.  She is taking some portions of the truth and portraying it like it's Dad that's sick. She hid car keys from him. She tried to take his name off the finances at the bank. She even had some reps from a Alzheimer's clinic in Tennessee on the way here yesterday morning to have Dad evaluated to go impatient with them. As of yesterday she had not slept (not even a cat nap) for 6 mights. Let me say that again. She had been awake for 144 hours SOLID! (Make that 184 hours. I spoke with the nurse a little bit ago and she didnt sleep last night either)

Since the first week of Aug I have handled medications for her. Days I have dressed her, bathed her, drove her, shopped for her, fixed her hair, applied her makeup, cleaned her house, paid her bills, cooked for her, cleaned up her accidents, ect. I was rarely ever home. When I did come home my phone rang ever 10-15 minutes asking when I'd be back. She has called 911 several times for reason that made sense to her. We have been to the Er 5 times either by ambulance or by car because she went into whats called "conversion". Conversion is when the brain is so over loaded that it literally shuts the body down and she was paralyzed from the neck down. Sometimes for only a few minutes and sometimes for hours depending on how well we were able to talk her down from it.


Leaving her last night was the hardest thing I have ever done. She just couldn't understand why. She was hurt. And so was I. My dad and I had been her caregiver for months but it just wasn't enough.
I am sure  Dad and Mom don't want their dirty laundry aired. The facts is, this is what I have been preaching for years. Mental illness is not anything to be ashamed of. Period. Shame on anyone who would look down on her, avoid her or talk rudely behind her back or my sons for this terrible disease.

A few nights ago we were in the ER at TJ with a episode of "conversion". She was completely numb from the neck down and was convinced she had had a Stroke. A nurse deserves to have her licence revoked for the terrible way she treated my Mother. She literally jerked my Mom up and told her (and I quote) to stop behaving this way because there was a waiting room full of people who were REALLY sick and not faking it. She said so many nasty things to her.Conversation is not FAKING! The brain does indeed shut your ability to move down! I inteed to have your job before I'm done, my dear. Consider yourself warmed. Bitch. Nurses think they are so intelligent when in reality the most of them are the most ignorant humans that walk this Earth. She was not faking this dear. For your sake I won't mention your name just yet. But heres the proof. read it.

Conversion disorder is a condition in which patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, blindness, paralysis, or fits without a neurological cause. It is thought that these problems arise in response to difficulties in the patient's life, and conversion is considered a psychiatric disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition (DSM-IV).^[1] Formerly known as "hysteria", the disorder has arguably been known for millennia, though it came to greatest prominence at the end of the 19th century, when the neurologists Jean-Martin Charcot and Sigmund Freud and psychiatrist Pierre Janet focused their studies on the subject. The term "conversion" has its origins in Freud's doctrine that anxiety is "converted" into physical symptoms.^[2] Though previously thought to have vanished from the west in the 20th century, some research has suggested it is as common as ever.^[3]


Please remember my family. Me, that I can be a better Mother and prevent this from being Eli in years to come. And my Mommy that she might find the right combinations of medication and be able to come home to us soon

The Medication Debate and A Plea for HELP!!

      I have been in limbo with whether medication was necessary for Eli to function well since he was first diagnosed AD/HD at the age of 4.

     I read all the books on diet change, and herbal remedies. I spoke to several Dr's and saw a gentleman who specialises in Iridology  .http://ezinearticles.com/?Iridology---Diagnosing-Disease-by-Looking-Into-Your-Eyeballs&id=3925465

     I left no stone unturned trying to manage Eli without medication. Even still I get away from medication sometimes in the Summer due to the fact that he still doesn't eat well when he takes it and is very underweight for his age and height.

     The bottom line is, he functions better on meds. We tried several before I found a cocktail of meds that work exceptionally well for him. We use Concerta  http://www.concerta.net/ and Depakote http://bipolar.about.com/od/depakote/a/qf_depakote.htm. I have learned over time and trials that one will not work without the other. These two together have made a world of difference in Eli. It wasn't easy.  It took 4 years.

  Afternoons are a bit chaotic at times. We have to have just a little help from medication sometimes when things are on the edge for him. We tried low doses of AD/HD meds, Benedryl, ect. but until a few months ago had no success.  It was suggested to me by a Psychiatric Nurse Prac. (who also happens to be a sister to me) that Clonidine sometimes works. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonidine  JACKPOT! We are now living and managing and not struggling everyday. Yes, he/we still have days that are not pleasant but we also have days that are almost normal.

  I know in the end you have to decide for yourself. I just wanted to share what works for my son.

  I am open to suggestions on how to put some weight on my baby. We have tried appetite stimulants with no success. He normally is hungry around 8 pm and only wants things he can hold. No foods can touch each other. Soups, Salads, plate meals are out of the question. Thank you OCD for those irritating bonuses. We have tried milkshakes and they worked for a while but after a few days they get old as well. I need foods high in fat but somewhat healthy.  HELP!! Ok, go..............

WaShEd Up AnD wOrN oUt

I have postponed blogging for several days in hopes that when Evyn naps I will have some sort of masterpiece that will come to mind. Unfortunately, the second Evyn lays down and I retreat to my bedroom sleep spontaneously happens for me as well. Exhausted is a understatement. Mentally and physically. Sorry if this one is  disappointing. There is one major thought in my head today that need to surface. I'll jump in feet first......

Eli has been seeing a therapist once a week for several weeks. Something I hadn't intended to share due to his privacy and mine but I think keeping this under such wraps for so long is why these types of things have such a negative stigma. We saw a group of specialists last June and he was diagnosed with 5 disorders. AD/HD, OCD, Early Onset BiPolar, Depression and Conduct Disorder. The advice given to me was talk therapy, medications and to continue being the parent i was being because he seemed to be thriving.

I have completely submerged myself with this child and helping him to have a healthly whole life since I was first introduced to the idea that he had something else going on in his little mind at the age of  5.  I eat, sleep and breath ideas that will help us all cope and coexist in this house together with the least amount of chaos.  Let me make a few things clear. There are NO therapist in the area that specialize in children. The handful I have found do not bill insurances. Its all self pay. If your insurance reimburses you, then good for you. If they don't.......well it's not their baby to rock. My child is priority but therapy can range anywhere for 250 to 350 a visit. depending on if I wanted to speak to the therapist as well. I realize a childs health does not have  a price tag, but that's steep. Where would Eli be if i had to work 3 jobs and never be home.  Currently we are working through Lifeskills and I am very pleased with the gentleman he sees.  Insurance covers it......FOR NOW. There is even talk of having home visits. I am looking very forward to this. My first request was to help Eli let some thingS go. Stuff, that is. Things he holds onto that don't have meaning to me but are extremely important to him. Salt packets for example. LOTS of them.

I now keep a diary so we can kinda begin to see a pattern. The better we understand him, the more efficiently I can help him. I feel really good about this. I know so far this entry seem vague but I still haven't completely dropped my guard when it comes to discussing my baby boy. I stay so scared for him. So afraid something I may do or say will make his life harder. Please don't judge my son by what I say. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else to speak openly about mental disorders and depressive behaviors in their children. There is no support groups that I can speak of. I'd love to start one but simply don't know where to even begin or  how to even categorize it since Eli has been tagged with 5 separate things at this point without complete certainty on any of them except AD/HD and OCD.

Today is a terrible day for Eli. During the morning rush I forgot his medication. I could could make excuses for myself and say I was tired, I was up the last two nights with a fussy Evyn, the morning routine is so hectic that I cant do it all perfectly all the time...........and that all is very true, but it's excuses and not reasons. I chose to have four children and I can't make excuses for myself when I severely screw up. I royally did just that this morning. Screw up. Now we are all paying for my mishap. Just since 3 pm he has spit in Zac's face, cussed, said terrible things to me. Things that are heart breaking. But, I have to continue to tell myself that children with these problems treat the one they love the most, the worst. Children with these disorders treat the one they love the most, the worst. He loves me. He loves ME. That's why he treats me this way.  I'm just not feeling it today. I have sat here and took blame for things that are completely out of my control today but that's just part of it. This is my life. Our life. Days like today he is miserable and he makes each of us miserable right along with him.  I have to walk away to keep from having thoughts that I should just put him in inpatient and stop trying.

He just ate lead. When I told him that it was dangerous he said....."I'd like to die" This sweet smiling face that you see in this picture actually said "I'd like to die."

Now tell me why there is no support group for us? No support for the children who's faces get spit in, slapped, cussed, ect.  Why is there no support group for parents who are washed up, worn out, abused, used, lied too, hit, screamed at?

Dancing in the Rain

Summer Break has officially began and I am already on a war path. I want to say one thing and get it off my chest.
Eli is a child. He has feelings and a soul and can hear the words that come out of peoples mouths whether it be good or bad. Yes, he has some issues sometimes but for the most part he is a normal child that likes to play, joke, run, jump. swim, play baseball, fish and he's entitled to have friends just the same as any other child. I had a feeling outing him and his diagnoses on my blog would cause some of his friends parents to question allowing their children to befriend him. But, I felt it's not something to be hid nor ignored but dealt with head on. If you have decided it isn't best for your children to befriend my child anymore because he's "sick," then SHAME ON YOU!
I have a lovely, amazing son. A son that is no different on the inside then your son. Period.

*sigh* Today was it. The last day of school. here we go friends. Let the fun begin. You can expect lots of blogs where I laugh, cry, question my sanity and maybe even buzz blog. I apologize in advance for those now. Crank some Adele and Lady Gaga and lets get this Summer started!!  Dance in the rain a little. (or under the NMVFD hose like Eli is here)

Eli's Thursday

Eli's Thursday, a day late. He will be so excited to read about himself. I picked the picture for him. He would have definitely picked something recent. I'm a sucker for the pictures of the boys that were taken the very first times I held them.
Eli was born July 7th, 2003. Easiest pregnancy I experienced. I guess the easy pregnancy came back to bite my tail, because he has been nothing of the sort since he took his first breath!
Eli entered this world a day early. I took a spill here at home and a few hours later at 2:22 a.m..........waalaaa. 7 pounds 13 oz of Satan himself. ;)  (it seems none of my children could arrive at reasonable hours of the day except for Evyn, and he was made to come during daylight hours)
I knew at a really young age that Eli was not like other baby boys. He was extra special. He required little to no sleep. He never cryed. He was always observing his surroundings as if he were memorizing where each thing belonged. He never touched anything. He never moved anything out of it's original place. He was a extra special baby. He still is....
Here's to you sweet boy, a few of your first:
First tooth- Jan. 25
First cold Aug. 28
First food-Aug 1 (cereal)
First haircut-May 6
Walked Aug 13th 2004
First hospital stay- March 5th. oh, which reminds me Mister Eli, you landed me in the hospital on my birthday in 2003. Thank you, darlin'. I had someone to cook clean and clean up my puke for my birthday.

Now, since you are standing here fussing at me at this very moment because you think hypothermia in the pool today seems like a fine idea I have to end Eli's Thursday.

I love you very much. Never ever let anyone tell you you can't do anything you want. (I know you wont have a problem with that. You have never listened to anyone else in your entire 8 years) Know that whatever life throws your way, you always have 3 brothers who will have your back. (so, stop tormenting them)

Calming Eli

Yesterday was such a great day with 3 of my boys. Eli went to his grandparents and fished with his Poppy (my Daddy) all day. The rest of us worked in the yard, had a visit with family who came in and made a run to town for little critters.
When I was a kid I was NOT a fan of animals. I was as "girly" as they came. My Little Pony's was the closest thing to a animal as I wanted.
After the boys came along my interest changed, drastically. In 12 years we own or have owned the following:    Pot Bellied Pig
                  Fish
                  Dogs (my fav, obviously)
                  Cats (whore cats that came here)
                  Birds
                  Goat (Peyton named him Blacky. He was solid white)
                  Chickens/Roosters
                  Rabbits
Yesterday we brought home baby chickens and two rabbits. I think the employees at TSC thought these animals were Easter related gifts but they were not.
We have had chickens here before. I absoultly love having fresh eggs. I don't eat eggs for reason I'll tell you about another day. :)  I enjoyed sitting on the porch watching them eat all the insects out of my yard. They began to roam to the neighbors porch and poop there. It wasn't long until we had to find them another chicken lover home. I'm hoping these stick around better.
Now, the rabbits are my point of this blog. They are for Eli. Eli struggles with life and day to day living more then most little boys his age. He has AD/HD and OCD which is under control for the most part. He is also be treated for Bi-Polar Disorder. This is the first time I have said this out loud to anyone other than my close friends and family. Not because I was ashamed of this but because I didn't want Eli looked at differently than any other 7 year old child. As with any other child, he has good days and bad days. His bad days are just a bit more extreme then most. He has never had a animal of his very own. I thought about this for a long time and decided that this responsibility could be very rewarding for all of us. My intentions are that he will keep his room clean because HIS rabbits don't like clutter. (Eli is a Hoarder in ever sense of the word) I also think he will be calmer and quieter and be more aware of his behavior because HIS rabbits are a little nervous. Screaming and fit throwing makes them scared and sad. (like he is sometimes)
On the other hand I am scared to death for him because he has never dealt with death before. We have had animals to die before and I have always protected him from this. Simply put, I lied every single time about what really happen to these missing animals. This is why I waited so long to buy him something of his very own. These babies will be ALL HIS. He will feed, water and play with these babies. And if one passes for whatever reason he will notice before I will. I have this over whelming urge to check the cage every single morning before he wakes to make sure I don't need to remove a stiff rabbit and tell him how it hopped out during the night to be with his best friend who lives in the woods that he missed so very much. (oh my, I already have the lie planned out)
My question is. Did I mess up by upping the odds for Eli to have to get his heart broken? Should we protect our children from death?