Little Bipolar Boy Who Cried Wolf

Here's the thing with my Bipolar child, he wouldn't know the truth if it was staring him in the face and he love to argue. If I told him the sky was blue he would argue it was orange and swear on a stack of Bibles to it. Over the years I have learned his lying signs. He can't for the life of him look me in the eye when he's lying. I always pick at him about it too. Sometimes now if he tries real hard he can pull one over on me.

The last few days he has complained of a ear ache and sore throat. I played into his complaints by giving Tylenol and sore throat spray. It never one time crossed my mind to take him to the Dr. He makes daily trips to the school nurse to ditch class. It's always been this way for years. Sore throat, head ack, tummy ache, itchy spot, big toe hurts, ect. I let him stay home yesterday but did not really take his complaints serious. Today was the same way. He woke up and was complaining. I dressed him and intended to make him get on the bus and go. He began to cry. He cries a lot but especially when he is mad. It's a very angry cry. Today his school was taking a trip to see a play. I assumed he was having some crowd anxiety and did not want to attend the play. I told him the only way he was staying home would be if we went to the Dr.,  and he welcomed the idea. I threaten him with in a inch of his life that if we got there and he was faking I'd be one mad Mommy. (that was not my exact words)

What did we discover at the Dr? Double ear infection. I SUCK! He has complained for days and I have let it go in one ear and out the other. No pun intended. The child has lied so much that I let him lay here sick for days and it never crossed my mind to take him to the Dr.

He took his first dose of Antibiotics at lunch. By 5 pm he was puking. I don't normally investigate the contents of puke but something about this puke scared the hell out of me. It was blood tinged. After a few phone calls we decided he must have ulcers. He sure is no stranger to strong medications and they have simply ruined his poor little stomach. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I do know he can't take any more medications till we get to the bottom of this. The puking has stopped. I feel like the antibiotics was too strong for his little empty stomach. A couple years ago I would have stopped all medications and put my foot down. I have grown and became much more knowledgeable now and know he can't thrive without them for many days. Stuck, between a rock and hard place.

Before Eli's Dr appointment I had one of my own. I have never been one to take care of myself. I'm older tho, and it's high time to start. I suppose during Mom's darkest days I completely ran myself ragged and still have not completely recuperated. I had a complete blood workup done today. I'm hoping for a simple case of the lazies. Either way I'm sure it's nothing some B12 and Iron can't cure.

So now I lay here in the bed with a slight essence of vomit in the air, and blog. Thank goodness for this blogging stuff that I've discovered. It's such a fantastic was to empty my thoughts and have no judgement cast on me. At least not from my most dedicated readers who seem to think I'm some sort of Super Mom. Far from it! No one makes flat jokes. I'm taken serious and not laughed at. You laugh with me when the time is right but never at me. Thank you. Today's events have made me mad, made me feel like a shitty mother, scared me, made me sigh in relief and giggle at times. I'm glad I can share them with you. You all have became my escape. I hope you each have a wonderful Thanks Giving. Today I am thankful for my readers who support me in our journey to LIVE with Bipolar.

Raising Bipolar

http://raisingbipolar.com/2011/11/17/the-new-psychiatrist/

I subscribe to several blogs that parents write about their Bipolar children. This one hit so close to home that I had to share it. I know exactly how this Mother feels. She took the words right out of my head.

 This following paragraph she wrote and is my favorite of this entry!! I get so sick of people whether it be doctors or acquaintances who are scared to use the term Bipolar!! It's not a bad word!! Bipolar, Bipolar Bipolar!!! It's not "typical little boy" behaviours either. Deal with the word. Learn to use the word and stop dancing around the word like it's some form of vulger language!

 Dude, wtf, who the crap cares what you call it? If it makes you feel better to call it Mood Disorder NOS, go for it.   Call it ‘Der Wienerschnitzel’ if you want but let’s not mess with what’s working.    And honestly, let’s not debate what bipolar looks like in a teen.  If your child gets so hyper that they can’t attend school, can’t concentrate, make terrible decisions, engage in dangerous behavior, have no peace of mind, racing thoughts, racing speech, superhuman strength, can’t sleep, can’t relax, get delusional, get paranoid, hear things, see things, have debilitating nightmares…it’s not just a case of the ‘hypers’.  For peet’s sake.  Let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

Replacement Batters

 Why start something that's just going to cause me more stress and disappointment. That's my train of thought today. School was a lovely idea but that's where it belongs. Just as a idea in my head. I can only do one thing well at a time and at this time it's being a mother most days and a daughter the rest. Some can do it. I am not one of those. I have no doubts my kids would suffer for it. I don't even have time to study for the Placement test. Why on Earth I thought I'd have time to attend class is beyond me. I'm going to gracefully bow out. Hey....ya never know maybe when Evyn starts school in a couple years the situation will be different. Show me a woman with 4 small children, one of which is a 20 month old and a business to run who kicked butt in college and I'll consider changing my mind. Oh, and she can't have a baby sitter either. :)  I seriously doubt anyone of you who really know me are suprised that I backed out.....again. It's ok you can laugh at me. I always seem to have ideas that are bigger than I am. Hey, a gal can dream.

  Now, back to the real world. Mom is on the back side of this Manic Episode. It's still a uphill battle every day for her but she's doing it!! Climbing. I am watching her over come this and I am so proud of her. Most would have crawled under a rock and gave up. Not her tho. I don't think she recalls alot of the events from the last several weeks but that's for the best. The past does not matter. What's important is she came out swinging. And when she could not swing anymore, she had people who loves her that swung for her.  That's what friends and family are for. Replacement batters. 

  We found a truck. Unfortunately we are looking at a week before it's transferred into Danny's name. Lots of bank issues, red tape and signing papers. If I understand correctly it currently has a lean on it and that sorda thing takes time to release.

  I have been sitting on Luke Byron tickets for a month. Thursday is the night. Looks like I won't be attending tho. We are so broke we have been walking to Mom's. The walking won't hurt me none tho. I could stand to loose a few pounds. Danny has been home 2 weeks and insist on buying Cokes. When they are in the house I have to drink them. I have no will power. I never have. That's why I have quit smoking about 6 times. Even up to a year, then started back.

  Eli is doing well. He is in a bit of a manic phase himself. He was up all last night. Tonight he had a sedative. Mommy is on the same sedative as well. They work well for the most part if the patient isn't extremely manic. During the week Mom was so severe and was up almost 200 hours a horse tranquilizer wouldn't have put her down. I have not experienced this type of mania with Eli.......yet. I feel prepared tho.

  Peyton quit basketball. Hunting season has rolled around and he found it interfered entirely to much with deer season.

  Zac is doing fantastic. Learning to read!! He reads to me everyday.

  Evyn is like a weed. He grows in his sleep. He is in to everything. Climbing, talking, fusing, breaking things, and needing less and less sleep. I am seeing some AD/HD in him. I know you may think it's impossible to see at such a young age, but you would be mistaken. We call him Little Eli. And for good reason.

  So, that's the Smith Gang in a nutshell over the last couple of days. Hope you guys had a good Monday.

 
 

The Medication Debate and A Plea for HELP!!

      I have been in limbo with whether medication was necessary for Eli to function well since he was first diagnosed AD/HD at the age of 4.

     I read all the books on diet change, and herbal remedies. I spoke to several Dr's and saw a gentleman who specialises in Iridology  .http://ezinearticles.com/?Iridology---Diagnosing-Disease-by-Looking-Into-Your-Eyeballs&id=3925465

     I left no stone unturned trying to manage Eli without medication. Even still I get away from medication sometimes in the Summer due to the fact that he still doesn't eat well when he takes it and is very underweight for his age and height.

     The bottom line is, he functions better on meds. We tried several before I found a cocktail of meds that work exceptionally well for him. We use Concerta  http://www.concerta.net/ and Depakote http://bipolar.about.com/od/depakote/a/qf_depakote.htm. I have learned over time and trials that one will not work without the other. These two together have made a world of difference in Eli. It wasn't easy.  It took 4 years.

  Afternoons are a bit chaotic at times. We have to have just a little help from medication sometimes when things are on the edge for him. We tried low doses of AD/HD meds, Benedryl, ect. but until a few months ago had no success.  It was suggested to me by a Psychiatric Nurse Prac. (who also happens to be a sister to me) that Clonidine sometimes works. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonidine  JACKPOT! We are now living and managing and not struggling everyday. Yes, he/we still have days that are not pleasant but we also have days that are almost normal.

  I know in the end you have to decide for yourself. I just wanted to share what works for my son.

  I am open to suggestions on how to put some weight on my baby. We have tried appetite stimulants with no success. He normally is hungry around 8 pm and only wants things he can hold. No foods can touch each other. Soups, Salads, plate meals are out of the question. Thank you OCD for those irritating bonuses. We have tried milkshakes and they worked for a while but after a few days they get old as well. I need foods high in fat but somewhat healthy.  HELP!! Ok, go..............

WaShEd Up AnD wOrN oUt

I have postponed blogging for several days in hopes that when Evyn naps I will have some sort of masterpiece that will come to mind. Unfortunately, the second Evyn lays down and I retreat to my bedroom sleep spontaneously happens for me as well. Exhausted is a understatement. Mentally and physically. Sorry if this one is  disappointing. There is one major thought in my head today that need to surface. I'll jump in feet first......

Eli has been seeing a therapist once a week for several weeks. Something I hadn't intended to share due to his privacy and mine but I think keeping this under such wraps for so long is why these types of things have such a negative stigma. We saw a group of specialists last June and he was diagnosed with 5 disorders. AD/HD, OCD, Early Onset BiPolar, Depression and Conduct Disorder. The advice given to me was talk therapy, medications and to continue being the parent i was being because he seemed to be thriving.

I have completely submerged myself with this child and helping him to have a healthly whole life since I was first introduced to the idea that he had something else going on in his little mind at the age of  5.  I eat, sleep and breath ideas that will help us all cope and coexist in this house together with the least amount of chaos.  Let me make a few things clear. There are NO therapist in the area that specialize in children. The handful I have found do not bill insurances. Its all self pay. If your insurance reimburses you, then good for you. If they don't.......well it's not their baby to rock. My child is priority but therapy can range anywhere for 250 to 350 a visit. depending on if I wanted to speak to the therapist as well. I realize a childs health does not have  a price tag, but that's steep. Where would Eli be if i had to work 3 jobs and never be home.  Currently we are working through Lifeskills and I am very pleased with the gentleman he sees.  Insurance covers it......FOR NOW. There is even talk of having home visits. I am looking very forward to this. My first request was to help Eli let some thingS go. Stuff, that is. Things he holds onto that don't have meaning to me but are extremely important to him. Salt packets for example. LOTS of them.

I now keep a diary so we can kinda begin to see a pattern. The better we understand him, the more efficiently I can help him. I feel really good about this. I know so far this entry seem vague but I still haven't completely dropped my guard when it comes to discussing my baby boy. I stay so scared for him. So afraid something I may do or say will make his life harder. Please don't judge my son by what I say. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else to speak openly about mental disorders and depressive behaviors in their children. There is no support groups that I can speak of. I'd love to start one but simply don't know where to even begin or  how to even categorize it since Eli has been tagged with 5 separate things at this point without complete certainty on any of them except AD/HD and OCD.

Today is a terrible day for Eli. During the morning rush I forgot his medication. I could could make excuses for myself and say I was tired, I was up the last two nights with a fussy Evyn, the morning routine is so hectic that I cant do it all perfectly all the time...........and that all is very true, but it's excuses and not reasons. I chose to have four children and I can't make excuses for myself when I severely screw up. I royally did just that this morning. Screw up. Now we are all paying for my mishap. Just since 3 pm he has spit in Zac's face, cussed, said terrible things to me. Things that are heart breaking. But, I have to continue to tell myself that children with these problems treat the one they love the most, the worst. Children with these disorders treat the one they love the most, the worst. He loves me. He loves ME. That's why he treats me this way.  I'm just not feeling it today. I have sat here and took blame for things that are completely out of my control today but that's just part of it. This is my life. Our life. Days like today he is miserable and he makes each of us miserable right along with him.  I have to walk away to keep from having thoughts that I should just put him in inpatient and stop trying.

He just ate lead. When I told him that it was dangerous he said....."I'd like to die" This sweet smiling face that you see in this picture actually said "I'd like to die."

Now tell me why there is no support group for us? No support for the children who's faces get spit in, slapped, cussed, ect.  Why is there no support group for parents who are washed up, worn out, abused, used, lied too, hit, screamed at?

Dancing in the Rain

Summer Break has officially began and I am already on a war path. I want to say one thing and get it off my chest.
Eli is a child. He has feelings and a soul and can hear the words that come out of peoples mouths whether it be good or bad. Yes, he has some issues sometimes but for the most part he is a normal child that likes to play, joke, run, jump. swim, play baseball, fish and he's entitled to have friends just the same as any other child. I had a feeling outing him and his diagnoses on my blog would cause some of his friends parents to question allowing their children to befriend him. But, I felt it's not something to be hid nor ignored but dealt with head on. If you have decided it isn't best for your children to befriend my child anymore because he's "sick," then SHAME ON YOU!
I have a lovely, amazing son. A son that is no different on the inside then your son. Period.

*sigh* Today was it. The last day of school. here we go friends. Let the fun begin. You can expect lots of blogs where I laugh, cry, question my sanity and maybe even buzz blog. I apologize in advance for those now. Crank some Adele and Lady Gaga and lets get this Summer started!!  Dance in the rain a little. (or under the NMVFD hose like Eli is here)

Eli's Thursday

Eli's Thursday, a day late. He will be so excited to read about himself. I picked the picture for him. He would have definitely picked something recent. I'm a sucker for the pictures of the boys that were taken the very first times I held them.
Eli was born July 7th, 2003. Easiest pregnancy I experienced. I guess the easy pregnancy came back to bite my tail, because he has been nothing of the sort since he took his first breath!
Eli entered this world a day early. I took a spill here at home and a few hours later at 2:22 a.m..........waalaaa. 7 pounds 13 oz of Satan himself. ;)  (it seems none of my children could arrive at reasonable hours of the day except for Evyn, and he was made to come during daylight hours)
I knew at a really young age that Eli was not like other baby boys. He was extra special. He required little to no sleep. He never cryed. He was always observing his surroundings as if he were memorizing where each thing belonged. He never touched anything. He never moved anything out of it's original place. He was a extra special baby. He still is....
Here's to you sweet boy, a few of your first:
First tooth- Jan. 25
First cold Aug. 28
First food-Aug 1 (cereal)
First haircut-May 6
Walked Aug 13th 2004
First hospital stay- March 5th. oh, which reminds me Mister Eli, you landed me in the hospital on my birthday in 2003. Thank you, darlin'. I had someone to cook clean and clean up my puke for my birthday.

Now, since you are standing here fussing at me at this very moment because you think hypothermia in the pool today seems like a fine idea I have to end Eli's Thursday.

I love you very much. Never ever let anyone tell you you can't do anything you want. (I know you wont have a problem with that. You have never listened to anyone else in your entire 8 years) Know that whatever life throws your way, you always have 3 brothers who will have your back. (so, stop tormenting them)

Let's talk Bleach

So, in my "about me" I threw out the term OCD. I think a lot of people use this term loosely. I thought of this, this morning about 5 a.m. as I was trying to get all my household chores done before I am to be at school to take graduation photographs at 10:30.

I wanted to share the extent of my daily cleaning that MUST be done or it severely affects my quality of life.

Here is a picture of some of the loves of my life that I use EVERY DAY. I thought this would knock out two blogs with one post. My favorites and my rituals.

I always begin with my Kitchen. Dishes are always ready to start washing in the dishwasher because I have already loaded it the night before right before I lay down. After starting the dishwasher I bleach my sink and counters. My Kitchen is not clean to my liking if I do not smell Clorox. I wipe down the stove, fridge, with Fabuloso. (in the purple bottle) If you have not used this product before you need too. It's amazing and has a smell that is very pleasant, yet covers up the smell of little boy piss. Yes, I said it. I have a child who sleep walks and pees in the floor at night thinking for sure he's in the bathroom. This stuff is good for anything. Quick wipe downs to deep cleaning. I have spot shampooed carpet, pretreated laundry and gotten out stains that I knew where set in forever! It lives to its name. Its cheap and fabulous! Viva paper towels. They are grand. You can use and reuse over and over. Of course I never do because thats entirely too germie for me. I have been known to wash dishes with one! Tough little boogers.

I then go to the bathrooms and mop my floors. Bathrooms. Plural. Two. When I say mop, I mean scrub on my hands and knees because that's the only way to get the little boy urine out from behind the camode. I have two children in the house that do use a camode at night but, I'm unsure why because it lands in the floor as well. (at least it's not carpet) I am seriously thinking about lining the area around my camodes with puppy pads. If you think sitting on a camode at night that the seat has been so generously left up on is a bitch, you've obviously never stepped in piss barefooted at 1 a.m.

While I'm in the bathroom I gather dirty clothes, clean the toothpaste off the sinks and clean the mirrors because they are splattered with mint green water and spit by this time because the two big boys have already gotten ready and left for school. Pet peeve-tooth paste on my sinks and mirrors along with a dirty sticky tube of paste. I clean the camodes with "The Works". I descovered this last summer by accident. I have a camode that had not been upgraded since I bought my home. It had terrible hard water stains and I was so ready to just jerk it up and throw it out the back door. I had used every single solitary product that either was or wasnt specifically made to clean a camode. Includding bleach. Nothing worked. I happened up on this stuff in the Dollar Store and thought....well...might as well. OMG!!! AMAZING!!! I will sing the praizes of this stuff still I die or they take it off the market beacause whatever is in it that rips off that hardwater stain in rotting the Earth.

Somehow during these rituals I manage to get Eli ready and out the door. Peyton is old enough to handle himself well in the mornings. I now only make sure he has showered in the last couple days, applied deodorant and brushed his teeth.

Usually by this time it is time to wake Zac, and Evyn is normally waking as well. The fun begins. It's no secret that Zac is impossible to get up and on the bus in the mornings. I have to completely stop my rituals and focus solely on him not missing the bus.

After Zac has left I make all the bed. 5 beds. I don't mean throw the covers over the pillows and call it good enough. They are made perfectly with fitted sheets pulled tight and top sheets have army corners. Pillow end are always facing away from the doors. If they are spotted, smell or if I am just simply "in the mood" I wash them. Huge pet peeve-dirty sheets. They are all washed and changed at LEAST once a week.

I now vacuum. EVERY DAY with a Rainbow Machine. Love it! Buy one! Period! I always use the deodarizer thats sold with it to use in the water. It freshens the dirty dog smell that lingers in the boys bedrooms. Peytons especially.I have used for most of my life started with the one my Mom bought when I was a kid. Magnificant machine.

Once the carpets and hardwood are vacuumed I them mop my hardwood with .........drum roll.........Fabuloso.

Laundry is started. Actually, laundry never stopped. It's nothing for my washer and dryer to be running in the wee hours of the morning because I can't sleep. One tip I have discovered that makes things simpler here is white towels and washrags. They are always bleached. Huge surprise, huh. I never have to worry about a red towel turning my clothes pink. I am very particular about my laundry. No one else is allowed to do it! Ever. Never!

Lastly, I unload my clean dishes and run my empty dishwasher with a cup of bleach. Yep, there's that word again.

All day long I pick up, clean up, straighten up. I do not tolerate stray items littering the house. Everything has a place. I feel bad for my children. They drag toys out to play and I am putting them away while they are still playing. It's moments like these that the OCD affects their quality of life as well.

What are your favorite products and OCD's.