Tuesday, July 31, 2012


Somewhat productive day. I managed a trip to town this a.m. For my out of state followers, when I say "town" that means Glasgow. I think everyone has that one closest city where they travel to that is considered "town".

I picked up med refills and headed to The Gates of Hell (aka Walmart) when the little one started puking. Even tho I have birthed four babies it always eludes me to pack a change a clothes. Therefore I picked up the few things I went in for with a vomit covered baby. I'm sure I will wind up on the "Faces of Walmart" picture website.

We headed home and I was determined to tye die shirts with the boys since this was one of our last entirely free days before school starts back. I will post pictures tomorrow of our finished washed out shirts. I think washing them out and revealing the design is the best part of tye dying.

We all caught some rays in the pool that I like to refer to as swimming lessons because it makes my conscience feel better when I say that instead of what it really is. :) Thank you Angie for that suggestion. I hope swimming lessons are going well for you as well.

Just as we came in for dry clothes, Eli was puking. Ugh. I hate puke. I'm now waiting for the rest of us to hurl.

So, until I am hovering the thrown as well, it's laundry, dishes, floors and bathroom cleanup duty.

On a funny note........while we were having swimming lessons a Butterfly landed on my rump. Zackary saw it and said, "so that's how they got their name."

Happy Tuesday. Back to school countdown is on. Enjoy those babies Mommas. We will miss them next week. ........I think. Maybe.

Monday, July 30, 2012

I need some answers.....

Wonderfully busy weekend. Today I have a few questions that I'd love your honest opinion on. No holds bar. You will not hurt my feelings.

Three days ago Eli went home with his Nana for a few days. Yesterday Nana confirmed how wonderful he acts there. Plays well. Sleeps decent hours. A real joy to be with.

Here it was much the same. We all slept late and were in bed at decent times which never happens when Eli is here. It was peaceful. No fighting, no arguing, no fits of rage. I love my Eli, but I will not lie......it was a very peaceful couple of days for all of us.

This evening Eli returned and the atmosphere changed like night and day. Fighting, fussing......even a chair flew across the room. My question is why? If he can act good at others homes why can't he act that way here. if he can get along with his older and younger cousin at Nana's house, why can't he get along with his siblings here? Am I doing something wrong? Am I making his fits worse? Am I the reason his skin seems to crawl? At this moment I don't understand why being here is so tragic. I really thought the time away from everyone would do him so good but it seems he came home with more hate then ever before for me and his brothers.


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Tricks of the Trade

We started OT day before yesterday. I now have several tools at home to help us succeed. I wanted to share some pictures and info. Since I do not have a lot of experience nor intelligence in this area yet I thought some copy and pasting would be more helpful along with some links. Here is what we are doing right now..........

We have special headphones for Zac. He wares these twice a day for 30 minutes. He isn't exactly fond of these but if he is busy doing something else he don't worry with them so much. They still allow him to hear me while straightening his ears. To me it sounds like a radio station coming in and out. A little screeching and scratching too but, not real loud. http://voices.yahoo.com/therapeutic-listening-autism-6118250.html

Secondly,  they taught me a brushing technique that could be used for both boys. A lady in our support group first introduced this to me and I find it extremely helpful. Zackary LOVES this. right now our instructions are every two hours, which is impossible but we do it every time we have a spare 10 minutes along with joint compressions.  http://www.ehow.com/info_8358677_brushing-techniques-sensory-integration.html

And last we were sent home with a Compression Vest for Eli. http://sensoryuniversity.com/Compression-Vest-COMPRESSION-VEST.htm

Eli enjoyed his vest, although he is not sure why just yet. He ask to sleep in it last night however that is not recommended. I am told a good substitute for that would be a weighted blanket. One was offered to me at OT however it was made from a flannel material and Eli would never go for that! Also many are weighted with rice or beans which would mold. Once again I was informed at out support group meeting that one weighted with river rock would not mold and could be washed. And what do ya know.........I have a link for that as well.                      http://www.ehow.com/how_6828206_use-blanket-assist-child-calm.html

Monday, July 23, 2012

The fact that I picked up the computer to blog this a.m. is nothing short of a miracle. Eli is asleep, finally. The last 48 hours have been like nothing I have seen so far. Just when I think I know all their is to know about his disorder, something else reveals itself.

Going on little to no sleep is common with him, but last night was new to me. The poor child wondered the house and cried and cried and cried.........and cried some more. Eli isn't a crier. Ever. Years ago he would have night terrors and fight and cry in his sleep, but not cry while he was awake unless he was hurt.

I tried talking to him. This done no good. He had no clue why he was crying. Since he doesn't feel comfortable being touched, holding or rocking him was not a option. He would settle down and fall asleep then wake up and cry more. I finally just left him alone. I think my questioning him made him worse. I sat quietly in the dark a room away and listened to this poor soul. He was broken. Overly tired, maybe. Danny suggested a anxiety attack, which had never crossed my mind, and very possible. We got a little off track with medications yesterday because I failed to refill the day before. I knew better. I knew when I filled his box for seven days that he wouldn't have enough to refill yesterday. This child is my responsibility. Every episode that he has had over the course of a year I take full blame for. Usually it was medication related and my forgetfulness to refill them before the weekend. Other times I stoop to a lower level and have a screaming match with him. Peyton informed me yesterday that I'm much more intemidating when I whisper with my nose touching theirs. Or, when I sit quietly and don't say a word to them, just stare.

Many days I look at this child and think there is no way a nine year old could need so many medications. And then, we have a day when only one little pill is missed in his daily ritual of eight pills and I see how detrimental this is for him. Will he ever be able to come off of these. Is this his life forever? Who will take care of him if something happens to me?  No one else except Danny knows what to give, how to fill his box or when it's time to give him sleeping medications. Lifeskills appointments, Dr. Littleton appointments and now Zackary has OT appointments as well. I find myself writing every detail down at the beginning of every week just to make sure if something happen to me the kids wouldn't miss a thing. Morbid. I know. Danny can't work and support them and handle these things. It is not possible since he's only home a day a week. Ugh. It's gonna be one of those days for me.

As I type Eli is still sleeping. It wouldn't surprise me if he slept all day. He was so would up and frazzled yesterday. I know his body is exhausted.

Today we will relax a little and not go any farther than the pool in the back yard. Tomorrow is another full day of running and appointments to meet but........it's meeting time tomorrow night at the Thompson House and I am thrilled.

Have a wonderful day followers.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Childrens Place, Mr. Compton rocks and Granny's 90th

The weekend was slow in the Smith Household. Somewhat boring. Yesterday I mowed for the second time this week. My right hand man, that helps with the yards and dogs and whatever else I'm too busy to tackle at the moment, is down for the count for a few weeks.

This week I am trying to pull together Granny's surprise 90th birthday that's on Saturday. Food is ordered. Cake is ordered. And I have began calling a list of about 100 friends and family. Consider yourself invited if I don't get a hold of you. We only turn 90 once..........and most of us won't.

Yesterday I also cleaned out closets and took inventory for school clothes. I determined I will have to completely empty closets and start over. Lord, boys are hard on clothes. They had nothing they had not worn a million times. My suggestion to you.....buy Children's Place clothes. They last and look like new more then any other brand I've ever purchased. That will fly for the little boys, unfortunately it's American Eagle or nothing for Peyton. He's gonna be a 8th grader ya know. It's true, the older they get the more expensive they get. I am thankful I am able to get him what he wants if that makes him feel more comfortable. Some call it spoiling and express it's not necessary to get such expensive clothes for kids. My comeback........mind your own business. He works his butt off for me the majority of the time without having to be asked more then 4 times..........so by golly......he's gonna get what he wants.

Pey was nice enough to babysit for us last Friday night. We left this house at 9pm (that's never happen) and went to a friends house and listened to music and had adult time. It was only for a three hours but it done my soul good. In the words of my very intelligent psyc nurse practitioner friend......."you gotta get away from them dam kids once in a while".  Thank you. We needed it. It was great to clear my head after the week I have had. And kuddos to Dylan Compton. He is a 17 year old boy who is the most talented young man I have even known. Lyrics and music that come out of this boys head are the best I have ever heard in my whole existence. Two words. Cold chills. You will hear this boys name again. Mark my words.

I hope the weekend was fun and relaxing and left y'all ready to tackle the week ahead.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

One would have thought a brake this close to his neck woulda improve his attitude. Danny says I should have kicked higher. ;)

Today is a good day for him. He says the pain has improved and its much like a dull tooth ache today. I think the sling is rather irritating and making the other good side very sore.

Only 7 more days then we head back to the surgeons for further instruction. He's hoping to being letting the arm hang freely some then.

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Broken bones, OT evaluations and gunfire......oh my.

Today was a CrAzY day. Day before yesterday Peyton fell and broke his clavicle. It was a nasty brake. We were advised to see a surgeon. Today, we saw a fruity dude at Reddy and Lessenburys. He seemed to think with good at home care it would heal correctly on it's on with no surgery. We go back in 10 days.

Today was also Zackary and Eli's OT evaluations at TJ. Eli tested great, as i suspected he would but wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Zackary however had a few quirks and tough areas just as I thought he would. They were wonderful there to the boys. Kuddos to those fantastic women. Zackary goes back next week to start some OT. First, we are going to strenghten his little sensitive ears. She says she has a plan of action for him. Just want I love to hear........a plan.

The lady who tested the boys was thrilled at the idea of our support group. She was wondering if she could come by one of our meeting sometime with her card and some info since sensory issues go hand in hand with our kiddos.

School is just around the corner. I'm not ready. We took the kids to Guntown Mt Sunday and they loved it. Zackary was a little bent outa shape by the gun fire. Note to self........ a child how does not like noises will not like gunfire. Duh.

I hope the week has been great for you all. Ours has been......interesting.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

As Long As I'm Living, My Baby You'll Be

There has been so much trouble here lately between me and the boys as well as friends and their children. It sparked a thought in my mind today......what is our job as parents exactly? The boys pediatrician says my job as a parent is work myself out of a job. Maybe so. But, I also feel birthing a child or adopting a child comes with unspoken rules. Let's see if i can try and nail these in some sort of order.

From the time Mothers are pregnant the nurturing begins. Life as we know it changes......not because someone tells us too but because it's best for our children. We stop smoking, drinking, taking hot baths, visiting a salon, painting, cleaning with chemicals, cleaning out cat liter boxes, ect. We eat better, rest more, see a Dr. regularly, ect. Not because we are told too.....because we want too. The mothering instinct kicks in immediately. For most.  Some even endure the excruciating pain of child birth without the aid of medication because we are afraid it will hurt our babies.

In the hospital we are told to rest. Give the nursery and nurses the responsibility of watching, rocking, feeding, and holding our babies while we take the time to heal and rest. Do we do this.......NO!! NOT A CHANCE!!

 A Mothers love will causes her such pain and grief. As we watch them grow, they hurt, we hurt. They cut teeth and we hold them and rock them. Their belly's hurt and we walk them, bounce them, sing to them, pat them, dance at 2 a.m. with them. If they are sick we beg for someone to take their pain away and put it on us. Take their sickness away and put on us. Make us hurt. That alone is a love that cannot be replicated.

They continue to grow. Our babies start school and we cry. Lord, it's our dream to watch them grow healthy and happy...........but it happens so quickly. Our babies begin to loose those little teeth that we danced in at 2 a.m. one morning while alternating frozen wash rags in and out of their little mouths. They make friends. They begin to be embarrassed of us. But we love them more then before. How is that even possible? All the while this happens so easy and natural. Without pressure. We love them simply easy.

Before we know it they get in trouble and we fight for them till we collapse. We make excuses for them. I never get tired of fighting for my children. Mine could comment murder and I'd still fight till my last breath for them. And do it with ease. After all......isn't it my job to teach them to know better. If they do something so terrible it's because somewhere, I messed up. They are my babies. Fighting for them comes natural. We don't turn our backs on our children for nothing and no one.

My last thought is anyone who could try to devastate their child's life is a sorry excuse for a human. Anyone who could birth a child and then try their very best to create chaos in that child's life does not deserve to be called "Momma". Being a Momma is a blessing, not a burden. What is wrong with a world where Mothers sulk and create turmoil for their children. Shameful. There is no excuse ever to turn our backs on our precious babies......no matter their age.

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Time To Tell My Own Anxiety and Ignorant Teachers

The last couple days I have thought a lot about school starting back. Part of me wants that for them and me but part of me wants them here under my wing all day every day. I worry how other kids treat them as do most of you, I'm sure, but I also worry about how teachers treat them.......when I'm not there. We have been fortunate enough to have some wonderful teachers, last year especially and I find myself dreading what this year will bring.

I think I worry mostly about teachers because i had one as a child that was simply horrible to me. I hated school. Hate is not even a strong enough word for how I felt about school. As a child i had issues of  my own. i never wanted to be away from home. I did want to have friends and attend sleep overs, ect. but as soon as I stepped foot out the door out of the safety of my home I immediately became a nervous wreck. This tipped the scale at age 10. Fourth grade just like Eli is going in to.

 I'm not sure why that particular age and grade. My parents were older when I came along. Thirty seven and thirty eight. I watched my grand parents die at a young age. My parents were in and out of doctors and the hospital that year for various things and I stayed a lot at the only living grandparent's I had left. I was drug to a lot of funerals as a kid, too. My parents sang for most of them so I sat alone in churches and funeral homes till they ended staring at this dead body I'd never met before in my life. I explain this because I think I feared death. Feared them dieing because they were so much older then all of my friends parents. Between this fear and the fear that began to develop of any place other than my own home I was a nervous little wreck at school. I enjoyed nothing. Friends and sports were not important to me. Through this time I was sick all the time. Headache and nausea mostly. Soon as my feet stepped on a bus I was sick till I returned home. I kept my head layed over most all day and cried at school. Teachers began to make fun of me when they thought I couldn't hear them.........or maybe they knew I could. This year one teacher in particular was leading me to the principles office for yet another speech about what my problems was and how I needed to stop acting so stupid and foolish when she met another teacher in the hall.....their conversation went something like this:
                              MG-Sick again today are we??
                              MG-Hmmm...imagine that.
                              MH- What this gal needs is her ass busted and she would cut this
                                         shit out every dam day.

This conversation stuck with me my whole life. I'm 32 years old now and can still go back to that very moment when I realized those teachers were not going to help me. They didn't believe me. They thought I was playing games. I never told my parents. They thought a lot of these women and still do. But to this day when I see these women I think of that day.

Of course no one was educated back then. I know now I can't be in large crowds. I struggle with the grocery store and department stores. I do well if my children are with me, but alone I freak out to say the least. I passed out at work once from the headache this anxiety brings on. I still have issues with date night, which my husbands totally gets and is ready to jump in and slow my racing thoughts and bubble gut. There are times that I simply cannot even sleep in a room with him. I usually head for the couch or a room close to the bathroom. It's just like school days......nausea, headache, ect. Times it's absolutely paralyzing but, has improved greatly since I finally got up the nerve to start classes at WKU.  That was a huge step forward for me.

I see alot of myself (Social Anxiety) in Eli and Zackary. We all come unglued in crowds. I hope school is a fun place for them always. and I hope they never have to deal with rude and ignorant teachers.

Friday, July 13, 2012

TV and Gaming Systems and a Bounty Fresh Yorkie

Today's highlight......Evyn threw all my freshly folded towels back into the dryer. My OCD will not allow me to refold them without running a steam refresh. I begin to walk away from the dryer and hear a thump........thump.....thump........ I open the door and discover Presley, our Yorkie. Yes. She's fine. Evyn just thought she might need a steam refresh. That outa teach me  not to do laundry before checking for dogs.

Today's lowlight......It was a all nighter for Eli and he's buck wild today. I have broken my rule and allowed him to play Call of Duty on the xBox. I put all those types of games up a year ago when Lifeskills told us they were a bad influence on him. The games have been gone for quite some time and I see no life changing improvement. So, the way I see it........if he likes the games (and it allows me a little peace) then so be it. No speeches about how I use T.V's and gaming systems for a babysitter please. Don't judge me. LOL. I think it was brought up at out last meeting how a child can't fall asleep and rest well with TV in their rooms. If it's any consolation I turn the TV's off after they have fallen asleep. :) Eli has super sonic hearing. He can hear that sound a TV makes turning off when he's dead asleep. I'm certain only him and the dogs can hear it.

So I'm curious today......how do you feel about TV's and gaming systems. You won't hurt my feelings. I'm just here to say I can't live here with them if I take TV's out of their rooms.

Monday, July 9, 2012

It seems I've gotten away from blogging since summer began. One could say I've been busy.

Might as well jump in feet first with this one.

Zackary had a Aspergers evaluation last week. We were borderline. Our pediatrician (being the woman that she is.....and I love her for it erred that he wasn't Autistic but that he suffered from a Anxiety disorder and some separation anxiety that was brought on by Eli. O.K. I'll take that........but only till I got home long enough to realize this needed to be looked into further. We will be seeing a Eli's Dr. in Aug. for a more thorough evaluation. Her advice to me was and I quote "Kathy, your job as a parent is to work yourself out of a job." Ouch. That hurt. I suppose I don't want my job as a parent to ever be over. She continued by saying "make him get out of your lap. Make him participate in activities with other children. Tough love. Don't allow him to have fits and cry." Double ouch. She's always been one to tell it like it is. But, my gut is screaming I need a second opinion. After researching this disorder more thoroughly I fell Eli also has a degree of high function Autism. This was mentioned to me a few weeks ago by his therapist. This will be a new journey for me. But, I'm ready to learn.

It was brought to my attention last year around this time that Zack had some odd quirks. I shoved it under the rug. I think partly because I was in denial. I already had my hands full with Eli and my Mommy at the time. I always thought Karma was cutting me a break with Zack. He's such a loving,   happy, honest boy. He's quite. He never bother anyone and prefers to be alone in his room. he doesn't like crowds nor loud noises. He's a peaceful boy. Now I realize that his little quirks are substantially worsening and it's time to get a good opinion from someone with the experience. If he feels the same as me and my closest friends and family then we will address it at that time.

In case your curious here's his little issues. He hates bells, horns whistles, motors, ect. He cannot get his fingers in his ears quick enough to muffle these noises. He's always had this issue. I thought he just had sensitive ears. He flips, bounces, flaps, and hops constantly unless he is alone in his room lining up his cars strategical so. He melts down often almost as if he cant find words to express himself. This also has been since he was little bitty. He was a easy baby and toddler. Polar opposite of Eli. I often wonder how I missed these things. Teachers have talked about how he isolated himself during playtime at school and how they would have to pair him with other children. I still did not stop to think something was going on. I was too busy putting out Eli's fires and retrieving him off the roof and out of the road. We also see the obsession. The last year it's been "eating healthy." This may seem normal to you but let me elaborate. He knows what foods have fats and what doesn't. He refuses to drink or eat anything with sugar or high fat content. And yes, he is just as educated about foods as a adult. I call him my little Richard Simmons. He also refers to himself in the third person as Super Zack.

This has been what's consumed me the last few weeks. I'm very anxious to see if my assumptions are correct or if he just indeed suffers from a Anxiety disorder as suggested.

Tomorrow night we will be having a support group meeting at my home. I'm ready for it. These ladies are amazing. I encourage any caregiver of children dealing with emotional or mental disorders to come if you can. I can't say enough about these women.

My advice to you....if you notice things that are not right or if your gut is telling you something is not quite right....get a Dr.'s opinion. We as parents tend to let things slide and live in denial when really what we are doing is not allowing our children valuable time to receive help to cope and live a healthy happy life.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

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