Saturday, February 14, 2015
My sweet gal is four weeks old today. It's also mine and Dannys ten year anniversary and Valentine's Day.
A couple months ago I ordered this red tutu for Maddy with leggins and a hairbow. It was a Valentine's Day outfit that I couldn't wait to put on her and show her off. That didn't exactly happen.
Yesterday I actually walked down four steps with my cane, drove to Moms, walked up two stairs, picked out some clothes for The funeral home (Dannys grandmother passed and we needed to go see her) came back home, showered and got ready and went to the funeral home with all 5 kids. It was the first time out of the house for me or Maddy that wasn't a Dr visit. Afterwards we went to eat with Mom and Dad. Before we got home I had to take one of my strong pain pills. Motrin wasn't going to fix that pain. I totally over done it. I want so bad to be able to do those things but I simply can't. Today we slept most of the day.
So here's the four week update.
I can now get in and out of the shower by myself if I step in and out sideways. I can't bend and shave below my knees. It takes me a long time to dress because I have to sit to accomplish that. I can stand and wash dishes, fix simple meals and laundry. Danny got me a claw type thing so if I drop something I can pick it up instead of waiting for someone to come along and get it for me. It's a nice little piece of independence I missed.
I can walk without my walker. Not much. I get really tired quick when using it or my cane. I don't hurt most of the time. I just have weird sensation in pelvic area that sometimes are unnerving. I'm so scared I will reinjur myself even though I've been assured that nothing in ordinary life can mimic the trauma of labor and that its just a matter of letting soft tissue heal now.........but regurdless......I'm scared to death to move.
I can also walk some with Maddy but very slowly and very few steps. Her added weight does make it harder to balance.
So, that's it. Four weeks and still counting. I wish I had a timeline to follow. I wish I could circle a date on the calender and know that was the day I can shower and get the kids ready, pack a diaper bag, carry the car seat and Maddy to the van and take the kids to the park. I wish someone could tell me how long it takes ligaments to tighten back up and heal. The list of things I can do is short but I still try to focus on that instead of what I can't do. It's hard. Danny needs to return to work but I'm scared to death to be alone with all the kids. I want him to be able to work in the day and be home at night but we just can't survive that way.
I hope Valentines Day found you all safe, sound, warm and loved.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Yesterday and today I looked at Maddy's birth photos. It was the first time since she was born two weeks ago on Saturday.
There is so much pain, heartache, and pure joy wrapped up into those photos. The day she turned two weeks old I broke completely down into a puddle of mess for a couple hours. I feel so blessed yet cheated. I have everything I've ever dreamed of, yet I can't live it. I feel like I'm in the sidelines.
I look at those photos and I wish I had begged for a csection. I wish I hadn't pulled my legs back so far during delivery. I wanted to avoid a csection but had no idea the amount of trauma I'd cause by putting my legs in such a position. If I could just have a do over everything could be normal. I'd be recovering from a csection instead of this beast that no one knows much about.
I still sit for hours on end and research treatment, others stories, the surgery sit takes to heal sometimes. I can find comfort in stories from women whom have similar stories and have healed and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and tears at the stories of women who still suffer months and months later.
I imagine Maddy being months old and crawling and me unable still to pick her up. I cringe when I think about stormy weather coming this Spring and me being unable to get everyone out of the house and in a basement. I can't go down steps. I can barely step into the shower. I still can't twist and get into bed. And even if I did get into bed I couldn't sleep there. My right leg I can control better then my left. I cannot life it nearly as well. The chair has become my den. I imagine the time coming when Maddy isn't satisfied to lay on a pillow in my lap. What will I do then?
I go tomorrow to have X-rays retaken. I am hoping the gap has closed signifigantly. If it hasn't I will have to start to consider the fact that surgery is my fate. Even typing that sentence makes me nauseous.
That's the thoughts of the part of me that thinks the worst all the time.
The thoughts of the part of me that try's to stay positive thinks, "Kathy, it's only been 2 weeks". Ligaments take time to heal. I can move better with my walker now. I can step out of my clothes better now before a shower. I can step into the shower sideways now. I can stand in place a long time and wash dishes or do some laundry. That is until I drop something. Bending is still not possible.
I can take a few tiny steps without my walker but I'm scared to death without it. I feel loose and off balance.
I can sit and get up easy now. I wonder how I will feel at 6 weeks without wishing away time.
Yall please continute to pray, send healing thoughts, send advice...........I could sure use it.