Saturday, December 29, 2012


I have been down for the count for four days. Misery is a understatement. Not because I was sick personally, but because Evyn had the Flu last weekend then  Croup and Eli has strep as well. I was fairly certain a month or so back Evyn and I had the Flu, but that was a teaser. This IS the Flu. This was "call the coroner" Flu. This was  body aches and pain so bad that I seriously was considering calling up my trashy old friends from way back and offering good money for a narcotic connection. I needed drugs. Somehow I made it through with Advil,  a dozen hot baths, muscle cream, Aleive, heating pad and massages from the hubs. At my worst I had kids scattered at Lacy's, Nana's and Mom's. But never all at once. I am not a complainer. I hate reading complaints on FB. But believe me when I say I was near death. I just know it.

Evyn began feeling better before me. It was tolerable when we were both happy to just lay on the couch and watch TV. He got to where he would ask for something and I would beg to just lay down for a minute cause I was gonna drop dead if I I didn't. He would leave, then come back 10 minutes later and inform me of whatever he had broke, spilled or stopped the toilet up with forcing me then to get up. He learned how to get his way one way or another. Almost to say "hey mom, since you are up mopping poop water outa the floor cause I shoved a Spider Man down the toilet and flushed can get me a sippie cup now."

I have played the others. They have whined, cried, fussed, griped and drove me stupid'er. So when I knew one of them where coming to tattle or fuss I would beat them to the punch with a compliment that was totally over the moon. "Awwww....( insert child's name). Thank you so much for coming to check on Mommy. Mommy feels so bad and it makes her ears bleed to hear whining and crying and fussing. But your not gonna do that are you?!  I love you. Your such a good boy."   It stopped them dead in their tracks. They would smile and hug me. With a look on their face that plainly said "dangit". Then go back to their previous dirty business and give me another minute to play dead on the couch. Suckers. Got em' ever time.

Christmas is over.  My kids made it out with Xbox games, Wii games, a Playstation 3 and games, a Android tablet, Lego's, clothes, shoes, Modern Marvel toys,  Fisher Price Imaginex Castle (which is the coolest thing ever) and Hotwheels Wall Tracks, Muck Boots, tractors, North Face coats and so much more. We flip right around to January and have two birthdays next month.  Evyn will be 3 a week from today. I am compiling Pinterest crafty ideas for the kids at his party. Look out crafty moms. This year I decided I was gonna learn to knit, and did. A month later I decided to learn to sew, and did that too. My New Years Resolution (one of them) is to be more crafty pull off some of these great DYI's  with the kids for parties, home, school.   What a New Year's resolution of y'alls?

Friday, December 21, 2012


I have had this poem in my head today. I normally don't care for this sorda stuff. I first heard this in one of my all time favorite movies. A very touching moment that always touching my heart. Maybe because it's the week anniversary of Sandy Hook, maybe because we are getting closer to having our first children placed with us, but I wanted to post it.

The Charge Of The Light Brigade

by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Half a league half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred:
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do & die,
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack & Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke,
Shatter'd & sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse & hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

It's time to allow myself to heal and get back to being the mother that locks her crazed children outside in their underwater as I did the night before tragedy struck last week.

I have let so many things slide and it's time to buck up and get on with it. I will never forget, but I have to do something to stop the tears that have dripped every day for  five days now.

I don't recall much about Friday except this coverage and counting little bodies as they bounced off the school bus. Tears streaming. The first of many. I think initially I was in shock and it didn't truly hit home till the bus ran and all mine were safe and sound.

That night I allowed many discrepancies I would not normally allow. Screaming, running, fighting, that just the night before earned them a ticket in the cold outside in their Spiderman underware.
The weekend was much the same.  Evyn pooped in his underware about four times and I laughed about it. Dumping the contents in the pot and happily washing them out with a little shampoo in the tub. Eli lied about having homework last week and for the most part I let that slide. Zackary has slept in my bedroom floor for 5 nights. I say he was never exposed to any of this, but he must have been to be so clingy lately. He normally enjoys his privacy. Peyton was kicked out of a classroom Monday for smarting off to a sub. I let that slide. Just two days prior to Friday he and I were in court dealing with his issues with a very disturbed child that occurred two months ago.

It's time to stop letting the three year hide and crap all over my house. It's time to put Zackary back into his own bed to sleep. I am pretty sure I broke my third toe last night trying not to step on him while feeling my way to the bathroom.  Stumped my toe on the bed leg and put my right hip into a position that hasn't been possible for me to achieve since 2002.

It's about time!!!  Today is the last day of school. Let the Winter Break begin. Yay for all the chit that these kids are gonna try and pull over on me cause lately I have been the weakest link. No more, my kiddos. Momma is back!

Note to self: I am not Adam's Mother

I managed to sleep a massive three hours last night. 12a.m.-3a.m.. I can't find peace. I need to find my "funny" again. I feel like I am being swallowed up by ignorant uneducated people and allowing them to steal my joy. My chest feels as if it's going to explode. I cry most of the day and night and play the event of last week over and over in my head. I ask myself what happen, what went wrong, who dropped the ball with Adam? (Yes, he does have a name and I prefer to use it) What was going through his mind? What did his mother do or say to him throughout his life to cause him such hatred toward her? Or, was she supportive? Did she love him unconditionally? Did she know he needed help, guidance or a Dr.?  I can't seem to piece this together and it's making me crazy to say the least.

Most of you know the reason I started this blog a couple years ago. I was in a terrible place. I had looked for help for my son since he was 4 years old. It's been a long hard road for us.  Over six years of therapy, Dr's, medications. I have traveled many miles with him to help him and give him tools to have a normal, successful and happy life. My blogs have greatly changed since they first began two years ago, so that tells me I have been successful in this journey.  They went from worry and grief to laughing, joy and their accomplishments. I have given, and continue to give my boys the best chance possible to lead healthy lives. I suppose the purpose of this post in to remind myself that I am no longer Adam's Momma. In the last two years my son has changed. It's been a year since he's had a violent rage. He only takes two medications at this time for ADHD. He has been off his mood stabilizer successfully for 30 days and off his Seraquil successfully for a 7 days. Not because I chose this, but his insurance refused to keep him at a therapeutic dose without hospitalization and I refused to place my mentally healthy son in a environment that could cause a relapse.  This may cause a relapse anyway, but my hands are tied at this point. Insurance will not even cover therapy any longer unless we use Lifeskills services. No thank you. Yes, mental health needs to be looked at closer. Not gun control. I am proud of what we have over come. I have taught myself to defuse potentially bad situations. Thankfully, currently,  I no longer walk on egg shells. I can leave a knife in the sink without fear. I have not been hit, bit, cussed or patched holes in my walls for a year. I have had no school issues since last year.  I have witnessed my son develop real feelings for his baby brother. I have watched him be concerned for him. This coming from a child who once had no compassion, no empathy. A child who felt nothing. What exactly does this mean for us? I don't know yet. But I hope it means the worst is behind us. Does this mean my son was never really diagnosed correctly? Am I being protective because I don't want my son put into the same category as Adam? Does this mean we are just in a smooth spot and the bottom will drop soon? I don't have the answer to that. I wish I did.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

America is all well aware of the events that have taken place yesterday in Conn. It's been on the TV solid for 24 hours now. It seems to me now they are just pissing in the wind at trying to pick this dead mans brain for a reason he done this. I have heard things from Bipolar to schizophrenia .  No one is even saying for sure that he had a formal diagnoses. It's completely possible that this man had no diagnoses and simply was harboring hatred for reasons no one will ever know. Let's not just assume anything. Assuming is what gives good people with a diagnoses a bad stigma. For argumants sake, IF we was suffering from a disorder, lets not blame this act on it. He was a sick, cruel, demented man.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

*Blackberry Photo Dump

Evyn put on mascara. He had the right idea.

Each child gets Momma time, even if they sit on the pot and read to me while I'm trying to shave a leg for the first time in a week.

And the photo from the Parade when the kids laid back in the stupid Ivy that bout caused the woman to stroke out behind us.

And last....Zac helping me work concession at one of their games. He loved eating...I mean bagging....the popcorn.
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012


I demanded a hour last night to watch Private Practice.

Evyn demanded I fish butter out of the pot instead.

Hethern kid.

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Yesterday and today I buckled down and completed three of the training journals required before our home evaluations. They were quite easy and mostly common sense. Three more to go. A section I found interesting was some activities to prepare the boys for other children being placed here.
 For Peyton and Eli they were asked to pretend they were the ruler of the world and ask to jot down the rules that they would create and enforce. I imagined them both to create rules that would benefit them entirely. Kid stuff. You know what I all the time, no chores, no homework, ect. I want to share their rules.

Peyton: 1. NO KILLING
             2.  BE RESPECTFUL
             4. EVERYONE IS EQUAL
             5. LESS TECHNOLOGY.

Eli:       1. EACH PERSON GETS 1000.00 A WEEK
             2. NO WAR
             3. NO FIGHTING
             4. NO THREATENING
             5. NO CAUSING TROUBLE

I was rather impressed with both their rules. The only one who threw one out there off the wall was Eli. I got a giggle out of it. I asked him who exactly should pay this money each week to us. His reply.....the president. Hmmmmm......I think he has to much debt to pay us that along with too many other lazy people to feed, clothe, and provide free health care too. But I did not get into this with him.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Church Program and Nursing Homes Photo Dump

The kids had such a long day but I have discovered the busier they stay they better they behave. The weekend was FULL to the brim.
Today alone we had Sunday School where they preformed their first program of the day followed by church and a Christmas meal in the fellowship building where the older boys preformed. They have been learning to play bells and it's absolutely beautiful!! Eli had a big part that ended one of the songs. It reminded me of the Hershey Kiss commercial where the little kiss had the big part at the end.
After our meal and the older boys preformed we had a bit of a break until we met at two.nursing homes where all the kids preformed, sang and handed out gifts to every resident. Between church and the homes they preformed three times today. They are worn out. Just the way I like them. :)


One Last Roar was a blast from the past last night. I laughed and cried just as previously predicted.
My adopted daughter came ith her dad, which played with Danny on the team that won the tourny. Ole timers still got it! And none will be able to move today!!!
Picture dump:
Me and my Kiley.....ok...she's Peyton's.
And the Dad's with their One Last Roar winnings.
Also, the tee shirts Ms. Carol Perkins was printing there.

As for today....we have church and the kids have three play performances along with visiting two homes and singing carols. Busy weekend.

Granny is going to go. I think this means she's feeling some better. I'm still giving shots in her belly. The Lovenox treatments are rough stuff. Her belly look terrible and its beginning to be hard to find a spot that isn't bruised. The verdict, which I don't think I ever blogged because I've been so busy, a blood clot in her lung.

Daddy goes for his heart cath next week. Mom has hard a hard week. I hope she pulls out of this quick. She's just had to much stress and worry on her. Signed on for to much. And now she is paying for it. Bipolar is a cruel thing.

I hope your weekend was fun, warm and dry.
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Saturday, December 8, 2012

If you think back a few post about the first game of Eli and Zac's they were pretty green. The kids had no self confidence and were scared to handle the ball. We ended the season 6 weeks later on a different note.
Eli had a few assist throught the six weeks, a foul last week and several good passes. But last night he actually scored his first basket.
On the way to the game I gave him a speech about trying. How it was the last game and there was nothing more I wanted for him then to score. He preceded to tell me he was too little and the the big kids always swarmed him. I still insisted he tried.
During the last two minutes of the game Eli had a open shot. It seems like it happen in slow motion. He turned around and shoved that ball toward the hoop. Me was almost at the free throw line. I recall it leaving his hands and me saying "ohhh......please make it to the rim." I thought if he at least bounced it off the rim he'd be proud of himself...........but it went in. "All net", Eli says. I squealed like a little girl.....then the tears poured. If only others understood our journey, his life, his'd understand why all I could do was cry. He glowed back down the court. Bubbling.
I don't recall much of the last couple of minutes of the game. They lost by several, but Eli won.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Eli and Evyn love Band-Aides. I can't keep them. If they find out we have a box, they find any little excuse to use them up within 24hrs. Hang Nails, pick a scab, sore toe....
This morning I sincerely needed one for Evyn and none were in the house. I had to think outside the box. Breath Right Strip. Of course!! They sure don't do squat for snoring!!!!
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Thursday, December 6, 2012


And Granny gets to go home today. I feel like I've lived here since Monday morning. She and Evyn shared a little lunch while I was taking a class with Patient Education on how to give her Lovenox injections. Its a better day.
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Monday, December 3, 2012

Today is normally my favorite day. Monday is my Saturday, but today was rained on.

Granny has been feeling terrible for weeks and today it caught up with last. last night she started hurting deep in her chest and back so we immediately thought it was pneumonia and decided it was best to head on to the ER. Daddy dropped us off there because Mom had a appointment with her Dr that she couldn't miss.

The ER gives me the creeps. It make the hypochondriac in me work in over drive. As if it was not bad enough to be there any time of year.......I was there during this terrible Flu season. I have already had everything coming and going and to sit in the ER made me break out in a sweat at the idea. Thankfully we were not stuck in the waiting room and they took her straight back to lay down.

People were roaming the ER with MASK ON!! Seriously.......I wanted one. BAD!! Coughing, sneezing, pucking in buckets, cold sweats. This is my worst nightmare.

A middle aged nurse came in and started calling Granny "Sweet Pea". This was the last straw. I was at the end of my OCD rode already. This lady is ninety years old plus. This means she was born in 1922. She has outlived her husband, parents, brothers and sisters and all of her friends. She's lived the Great Depression and WW2. She has the intellect of people with ten times her education. Address this lady with respect. Mrs. Jeffries or Ma'am please. NOT SWEET PEA!  Don't ask her if she needs to go potty. She is not three years old!

Test came back somewhat normal. EKG had some abnormalities, but that's to be expected with her age. Blood work was good. BMP was slightly elevated which indicates congestive heart failure. Xrays were clear. They decided she had Pleurisy, but could not be 100% certain it was causing her symptoms so admitted her for observation and more test since she has heart attack and stint in her history.

Daddy brought me home while mommy stayed with granny so he could retrieve her some personal items.

I came home and went straight work at the kennel, followed by our 6 physicals that had to be completed by our Wednesday apt with the agency. I came home to a clean kitchen and all laundry put away. I'm getting use to having help at home. It sure takes off the work load all off of me. I am grateful that the truck is supposed to be completed tomorrow. It's been a rough six weeks financially but it allowed us to make some choices and gave us time to help Daddy when he needed it.

Tomorrow.......the task of running down divorce decrees that I long threw away years and years ago. Yay me.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

And Evyn decided to do a little art work.........
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Peak a Boo

Meet Sophia.
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*Christmas Parade........FAIL

We took all four kids to the parade last night. Here's the facts of the night.
*This was Evyn's first parade.

*Eli was unmedicated.

*Peyton was ill because Kiley was visiting with her Mom in the hospital and unable to go with us. (but completely understood)

*Danny had done actual manual labor all day with Daddy and was worn out.

*Zackary was confused at this "parade" concept and was hungry from the time we parked after being told to eat something before we left cause we would have no time to eat until after the parade.

We parked in Save Alot parking lot and had a bit of a walk to get to a decent spot. We chose a church front space that had some decorative landscaping rocks to sit on beside the sidewalk. A perfect spot since the parade wasn't scheduled to start for a hour not counting the time it would take to even reach us.

We settled into our spot and the bitchen began. I'm hungry, I'm bored, I wanna go to Daddy's, I want a glow stick, I want chicken nuggets, I wanna play the ipod, no I do, no me first............Good Lord!!!

After sitting for 30 minutes the kids were already tired and no clue of what exactly we were even waiting on. They discovered they could lay back into some foliage the church yard and rest. They could bury up in it. I even took a picture. It was Ivy so it was soft and had buoyancy. And then a voice from behind us said "hey!! Get out of that. This is not your property and you are destroying it".      My first response ,and my apologies for offending you by cussing on your holy veil, but I said "who the hell is that bitch talking too?" Already knowing she was correcting my children for laying back in this dam Ivy that is virtually indestructible. Because it was a public place and we have already had the law called on us once this year I decided to let it go.

It actually became sorda fun to listen to her fuss at everyone who stomped through the foliage. Everyone else was not so nice and frankly laughed and told her to mind her own business. I'm assuming maybe she was a church member there. I don't know, and don't care. None of us were puttin' a hurting on this vine that covered a area as large as my front porch. She finally gave up and moved along.

The parade seemed generic to me. Short and weak in the lights department. The bands needed some practice and the riders were not overly friendly. People handed out candy to a child here or there which caused a huge dilemma for us cause no one ever handed all three of my little ones candy. I was hit or miss. The dam Coke Polar bear can't just hand one of my kids a coke and expect not to be tackled by the other two. Seriously. One of the churches was handing out Bibles and handed only Eli one. OH MY GAWD!! I thought Zac was gonna crap a brink right then and there!!

Evyn was shifted from my shoulders to Danny's to Peyton's. He ate candy and was sure to stick everything he didn't want after a lick or three in my hair.

Peyton admired the vehicles through the whole parade. He told us the year, make and model of every car, truck, tractor and mule that drove by. Along with motor size, shape and fuel mileage. It made me stupid crazy to listen to this for 2 hours while I picked candy cane out of my hair, calmed Zac for not getting a Bible and keep Eli out of the precious Ivy before he caused me to jack slap the lady who loved correcting everyone who touched this stuff like it was her life line. By the time Santa rode by he was too busy fiddling with something in the bottom of the sleigh to even look up and wave at the boys. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Evyn had no idea who he was, Zac was hiding behind me crying cause he dropped his Bluegrass Cellular pencil sharpener out of his pocket and the girl next to us grabbed it and wouldn't give it back, Eli was in a sugar high from eating ever single Toostie Roll he could get his hands on, and Peyton's shoulders were spazzing from the weight of Evyn on them.
Christmas Parade.......huge fail.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I do not normally look forward to Saturday. Saturday is my Monday. But today is special. Danny took Evyn to Daddy's to play on the farm while he helped Daddy get a few things done and take advantage of the warm weather. It is absolutely like a real Saturday here. Don't ya love that 12 seconds when the laundry is all done!!!

While catching up on blogs this a.m. I came across one that sparked a frenzy. Elf on The Shelf. I thought I was the only mother on my FB that did not participate in this nonsense but quickly learned my best good friend on FB did no such thing either!! Speaking must check her out sometime.

Best I can tell the purpose of this Elf is to report your childs behaviour back to Santa. Parents have went ape chit with this foolish elf and wait for their children to go to bed and place him other areas of the home to make it seem like this nosey little guy watches them everywhere I guess. But they don't stop there. They make him pull pranks. I have seen a TP wrapped Christmas Trees, messages written on the bathroom mirror in toothpaste, a elf that has cooked in the kitchen and left the mess, ect. Seriously!!! I would strangle the life outa a elf that pulled that crap in my house and my kids know that!! They would worry their little hearts sick over this elf and be scared for his life. " Mommy is gonna murder you. You better go back to the North pole and I'll take my chances with Santa," they'd tell him.  Except for Zackary of course, who knows it's all silly foolish nonsense and a elf is simply a stuffed figure that I bought and prior to that he was on some factory line in China. Ppfftttt.

For several days I have been working on my autobiography for the agency as well as loads of paper work, preparing for a home visit, finger prints, background checks, ect. I have had to gather up divorce decrees from the past as well as cover those marriages and divorces in my autobiography. It's been tough to be forced to stroll down memory lane and address things I had buried. But it's for a good cause and I know they just want to be sure I am "the right" choice. Danny has to write one as well. I am looking forward to helping him write it. He too, will have to address some mistakes and his childhood. I think it's healthy to put some things on paper as opposed to bottling up the past and letting it eat you alive.  I won't be posting these papers.  Yes, there are some things y'all just don't need to know. ;)

As for the rest of the day I intend to head out and clean up my yard. I am expecting our home visit will be soon. I know there will come a time when I can't discuss who is with us openly and that's fine. Maybe that allowed? As long as I don't post photos?? And when the time is right and we do decide "it's time" we will take the next step and make our new member a Smith.

Happy Holidays!! I feel good about this Christmas!!