Monday, October 17, 2011

Replacement Batters

 Why start something that's just going to cause me more stress and disappointment. That's my train of thought today. School was a lovely idea but that's where it belongs. Just as a idea in my head. I can only do one thing well at a time and at this time it's being a mother most days and a daughter the rest. Some can do it. I am not one of those. I have no doubts my kids would suffer for it. I don't even have time to study for the Placement test. Why on Earth I thought I'd have time to attend class is beyond me. I'm going to gracefully bow out. Hey....ya never know maybe when Evyn starts school in a couple years the situation will be different. Show me a woman with 4 small children, one of which is a 20 month old and a business to run who kicked butt in college and I'll consider changing my mind. Oh, and she can't have a baby sitter either. :)  I seriously doubt anyone of you who really know me are suprised that I backed out.....again. It's ok you can laugh at me. I always seem to have ideas that are bigger than I am. Hey, a gal can dream.

  Now, back to the real world. Mom is on the back side of this Manic Episode. It's still a uphill battle every day for her but she's doing it!! Climbing. I am watching her over come this and I am so proud of her. Most would have crawled under a rock and gave up. Not her tho. I don't think she recalls alot of the events from the last several weeks but that's for the best. The past does not matter. What's important is she came out swinging. And when she could not swing anymore, she had people who loves her that swung for her.  That's what friends and family are for. Replacement batters. 

  We found a truck. Unfortunately we are looking at a week before it's transferred into Danny's name. Lots of bank issues, red tape and signing papers. If I understand correctly it currently has a lean on it and that sorda thing takes time to release.

  I have been sitting on Luke Byron tickets for a month. Thursday is the night. Looks like I won't be attending tho. We are so broke we have been walking to Mom's. The walking won't hurt me none tho. I could stand to loose a few pounds. Danny has been home 2 weeks and insist on buying Cokes. When they are in the house I have to drink them. I have no will power. I never have. That's why I have quit smoking about 6 times. Even up to a year, then started back.

  Eli is doing well. He is in a bit of a manic phase himself. He was up all last night. Tonight he had a sedative. Mommy is on the same sedative as well. They work well for the most part if the patient isn't extremely manic. During the week Mom was so severe and was up almost 200 hours a horse tranquilizer wouldn't have put her down. I have not experienced this type of mania with Eli.......yet. I feel prepared tho.

  Peyton quit basketball. Hunting season has rolled around and he found it interfered entirely to much with deer season.

  Zac is doing fantastic. Learning to read!! He reads to me everyday.

  Evyn is like a weed. He grows in his sleep. He is in to everything. Climbing, talking, fusing, breaking things, and needing less and less sleep. I am seeing some AD/HD in him. I know you may think it's impossible to see at such a young age, but you would be mistaken. We call him Little Eli. And for good reason.

  So, that's the Smith Gang in a nutshell over the last couple of days. Hope you guys had a good Monday.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

There will be puke later. Better blog now.

Today I made a point for the boys and me to have sit down supper. Things have been so chaotic that we needed some family time. The result: Eli drank A1. I'm sure there will be puke later. Peyton talked my ear off about what sorda stunts I'd allow him pull on people on Halloween. Zackary demanded to sit in his bedroom and watch Bubble Guppies and Evyn got chocked on a piece of leather steak. Note to self......broiling sirloin steak was a bad idea.

 Peyton got all distinguished on the KCCT and had lunch with the Super today.  He is now in the Superintendent's Club of Distinction. I am very proud of him.

Evyn is not sleeping. He use to be such a sound sleeper. The last few nights he has really put on a show at night. I'm at a loss and completely worn out. There.....I said it.....I'm worn out.

I visited with Mom last night. She was ill but not at me. Yay. She called me today and was much happier than last night. She did have a dementia test done today and I feel confident that the dementia will resolve when we find the right combinations for her Bipolar Disorder 1.

I take my placement test Oct. 24th. Or, maybe I won't.

Danny's truck kicked the bucket. We are in the market for another. He looked at some today in Indiana while visiting Mom with Dad and my brother. I was unable to go today. People don't exactly stand in line to watch 4 kids. I think Mom understands. I hope.

I suppose that's about it for the last couple of days. Happy Hump Day.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

I wished for peace. But, you can have it back. I don't want it anymore.

Today was quite. It absolutely flew by. No frantic calls for help. I stayed home most of the day. This morning I did go to Mom's house and just walked around. Looking for something to do. I needed to feel useful. I thought I'd be relieved today when my phone didn't ring off the hook. I thought being home would be a wonderful thing. I thought not having to correct her manic thoughts would be a nice change. I was wrong. I miss her terribly. I find myself worrying more. Are they giving her medication correctly. One should be taken with food. One should be given 3 times a day. One needs to be increased. One will help her rest but only if she isn't too manic. If she worries about Dad, she needs to be reassured in a calming manner and not spoken to like she's lost her mind. If she worries about her heart racing she needs to be reassured that she is not having a heart attack, it's just her anxiety. If her BP is high it causes her to have a terrible headache and when she gets those she needs to be reassured that she isn't having a stroke. She had so many thoughts whirling around in her mind 24/7. She loved to talk to me.  She repeated herself over and over but I always listened as if it were the first time I had heard it. We talked all day and most of the nights a lot.  Nightly talks were not  of the best nature because she always became more frantic at night. Most nights I was intercepting the 911 calls she had made or the calls she had made to other family menbers asking them to come quick to the house because Dad had died. She is allergic to any wash powder but Tide and is so particular about her her clothes. She only wares dresses ya know. She isn't allowed hangers, so her dresses I packed her are folded in drawer. I seriously doubt they have a ironing service. She likes her back rubbed in a certain spot to relax. She has the best belly laugh on the planet. Every day I made her laugh one way or another even if it was at my own expense. I bet they won't do that there. She loves her hair fixed a certain way. She comes from a generation that still teases hair and sprays the hell outa it with Vita Net Hair Spray. Her brush, teasing comb and spray was not allowed there. 

For the first time in my entire life she confided in me. My opinion mattered. She called me ALOT. She talked to me ALOT. She ask me for help. She told me she loved me and appreciated me and was sincere. She trusted me. During her good moments she told me things she'd never told me before. I'm not sure what caused the change in her, but she trusted me. She was my friend and my Mommy. How did I thank her........I betrayed her. I tricked her into getting into a car and taking her to a facility to be locked away.

She looked at me with tears rolling as they escorted her throught the double doors last night and said  "Please don't do this. How could you do this to me. You tricked me. I'm done with you." I can still see her face. She was disapointed in me. I had hurt her. I've saw that face many times during my life.

When or if she ever recovers I don't think she will ever forgive me for what I done.

Ignorant and Nurse. There isn't much of a differnce in the two words.

I have so many things I want to talk about but just don't have the energy do even type it all today. My Mother is now in a facility in Indiana. We took her last night. She was so mad and so hurt when she figured out we were leaving her there. We had no choice. Medications needed to be managed by a Doctor and she was beginning to be unpredictable. The last 3 days have been roller coaster. I now have two people in my life who have been diagnosed Bipolar. Ironic since  there is no blood relation between my Mom and my son. (I was adopted)
The events leading up to us finally committing her inpatient  are s unbelievable to me. I will say only a few things about her actions. For those of you that she has  called at all hours of the nights, I apologize for her. Daddy does not have Alzheimer's. I have gotten several calls from friends and family asking about him. He is perfectly healthy. I am told the brain can only take so much stress before it throws a switch, so to speak. It begins to protect itself. A way she does is is by convincing herself that it'Daddy thats sick and not her.  Mom does not have Alzheimer's that we are aware. She was checked for it. She was diagnosed with Dementia. At this time we are unsure if the dementia is a being caused by the Bipolar or if these are two seperate issues.  She is taking some portions of the truth and portraying it like it's Dad that's sick. She hid car keys from him. She tried to take his name off the finances at the bank. She even had some reps from a Alzheimer's clinic in Tennessee on the way here yesterday morning to have Dad evaluated to go impatient with them. As of yesterday she had not slept (not even a cat nap) for 6 mights. Let me say that again. She had been awake for 144 hours SOLID! (Make that 184 hours. I spoke with the nurse a little bit ago and she didnt sleep last night either)

Since the first week of Aug I have handled medications for her. Days I have dressed her, bathed her, drove her, shopped for her, fixed her hair, applied her makeup, cleaned her house, paid her bills, cooked for her, cleaned up her accidents, ect. I was rarely ever home. When I did come home my phone rang ever 10-15 minutes asking when I'd be back. She has called 911 several times for reason that made sense to her. We have been to the Er 5 times either by ambulance or by car because she went into whats called "conversion". Conversion is when the brain is so over loaded that it literally shuts the body down and she was paralyzed from the neck down. Sometimes for only a few minutes and sometimes for hours depending on how well we were able to talk her down from it.

Leaving her last night was the hardest thing I have ever done. She just couldn't understand why. She was hurt. And so was I. My dad and I had been her caregiver for months but it just wasn't enough.
I am sure  Dad and Mom don't want their dirty laundry aired. The facts is, this is what I have been preaching for years. Mental illness is not anything to be ashamed of. Period. Shame on anyone who would look down on her, avoid her or talk rudely behind her back or my sons for this terrible disease.

A few nights ago we were in the ER at TJ with a episode of "conversion". She was completely numb from the neck down and was convinced she had had a Stroke. A nurse deserves to have her licence revoked for the terrible way she treated my Mother. She literally jerked my Mom up and told her (and I quote) to stop behaving this way because there was a waiting room full of people who were REALLY sick and not faking it. She said so many nasty things to her.Conversation is not FAKING! The brain does indeed shut your ability to move down! I inteed to have your job before I'm done, my dear. Consider yourself warmed. Bitch. Nurses think they are so intelligent when in reality the most of them are the most ignorant humans that walk this Earth. She was not faking this dear. For your sake I won't mention your name just yet. But heres the proof. read it.

Conversion disorder is a condition in which patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, blindness, paralysis, or fits without a neurological cause. It is thought that these problems arise in response to difficulties in the patient's life, and conversion is considered a psychiatric disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition (DSM-IV).[1] Formerly known as "hysteria", the disorder has arguably been known for millennia, though it came to greatest prominence at the end of the 19th century, when the neurologists Jean-Martin Charcot and Sigmund Freud and psychiatrist Pierre Janet focused their studies on the subject. The term "conversion" has its origins in Freud's doctrine that anxiety is "converted" into physical symptoms.[2] Though previously thought to have vanished from the west in the 20th century, some research has suggested it is as common as ever.[3]

Please remember my family. Me, that I can be a better Mother and prevent this from being Eli in years to come. And my Mommy that she might find the right combinations of medication and be able to come home to us soon