Saturday, October 18, 2014

Pregnancy, Sex and Cider

     Vagina, Vagina, Vagina. If you can't say that 3 times without snickering then move along to another blog. This one is for mature adults who can enjoy a little adult humor at my expense.

     26 weeks pregnant. 14 to go.

     This time, unlike previous pregnancies,  I have stirred clear of complaining about the side effects of building a child. I know there will those who think or say, "well hail's not like you didn't know how hard pregnancy is."
     I do know how hard it is. There is no pregnancy side effect I have not encountered over the last 16 years of my life. I have been hospitalized for UTI. I have had Pneumonia, Bronchitis and Sinus Infections. Fever, Cough and body aches. Nausea, vomiting and severe heart burn. Stretch marks, belly itch and terrible complexion. Swollen sore boobs, constant peeing, fatigue, swelling, cravings and once I even had the dreaded Pig Flu (AKA Swine Flu). Everyone knows what happens during pregnancy so this time I decided not to complain since I was lucky enough to be cooking a baby girl just like the boys begged for (and I was really hoping for too since this was our last chance at one of the female variety). I am sure each of us could compare boy pregnancies and girl pregnancies till the cows come home. I surely could. After having 4 boys then cooking a girl the differences are very noticeable.

    In the beginning I was so very sick. I barely gained weight and was beginning to think I'd be lucky enough to have one of those cute little belly bumps that proved I was pregnant but have skinny legs, arms and an unchanged arse.     Ha. The second trimester brought many changes. I felt tons better and gained a ton. I don't think there is any difference in how I am carrying this gal but I may feel differently as my due date approaches.

     As I mentioned before, the second trimester brought many changes and a few surprises. Welcomed surprises. Side effects of pregnancies I have never experienced much before for very long at a time. At first my mood took a drastic dip to the point that I was researching depression during pregnancy. But then my dark mood left and replaced with something else. Something very much welcomed by both the DH and myself. For the last several weeks he has been married to 34 year old teenager. Now...that being said.......wanting sex every time the wind changes comes with its own side effects whether I am cooking another human or not.

     I have always had what I like to refer to as "finicky hoo-haa".  I have used Tide my entire life along with sensitive soaps, no bubble baths much, very few tampons and mostly coconut oil for "grooming" the area. I can't wear "cutesy" panties. It's cotton all the way. No thongs.  And even if I do everything right and break no hoo-haa rules I still sometimes get lucky enough to wind up with a infection or UTI. Usually it's totally avoidable but sometimes Mother Nature just likes to kick me in the ovaries and make me go buy a 7 day Monistat kit and remind me that hoo-haa itch is the worst thing on this planet. I imagine hoo-haa itch is right up there with Ebola. Matter of fact.........a yeast infection is probably a symptom of Ebola along with bleeding from the eyes, ears and uncontrollable bodily functions.

     Now........the DH had been home for 2 weeks and his vacation/truck repair was coming to a fast end two days ago. Sex the first time was spur of the minute so before the opportunity for the second time may or may not present itself I decided to shower. Now at that moment I decided coconut oil in the tub in my condition was unsafe. If none have you have ever fallen out of the tub and went into labor then consider yourself lucky. Yes.......that happen once to me. I decided that shaving cream wouldn't hurt just the one time. And it probably wouldn't have if I could have gotten a better idea of where I was putting it. Ugh. Yes. Pregnancy side effect that no one tells you about. Your vagina disappears at 20 weeks and you don't see it again till you are several weeks post partum. If you are one who prefers to stay "neatly groomed".......good luck. Its a total feel and go game. Cross your fingers and hope you have the razor on the right path. During this 26 week escapade I must have let shaving cream go where it wasn't welcomed. And then it was followed up by sex about twice more. Double no-no. By yesterday morning I was feeling a bit "different" down there but was hoping it was in shock from all the action. Sadly, that wasn't the case. By lunch I was researching just how safe the 7 day treatments were during pregnancy. 

    Yesterday was tolerable but by bedtime I was ready to sterilize a brillow pad and scratch myself to sleep. I decided to Google home remedies and hope I had something on hand that would allow me to sleep. All of my searches kept turning up the same thing. Apple Cider Vinegar. YES!!!  I have that.  I ate it on salads, in beans and with greens. And since we all eat this stuff with food then its clearly non toxic (this was my train of thought). I am a firm believer of using natural remedies when possible. I had just never really thought much about those chemical yeast infection creams until now. I didn't want to shove something so close to where The Queen is cooking for 14 more weeks.  I read and read and read and kept seeing the words that memorized me. "Immediate relief"

     That's it!! I got up and went to the kitchen on the search of my new best friend. I found it tucked away right where I left it beside the salt and pepper. I was so elated that I had discovered a remedy that was going to deliver immediate comfort as well as use it's natural antibiotic abilities and cure the infection without the use of chemical creams and oral antibiotics (which only in turn create more yeast in my finicky hoo-haa).

     I went right off to the bathroom and poured a good amount into a little bathroom disposable cup. I thought back to the reading I had done and remembered reading that the cider should be diluted. It clearly said on the cider bottle that it was diluted at bottling to 5% acidity.  That, to me, sounded awful weak if it was going to "immediately relieve" what I had going on. I decided 5% was diluted enough and took a little cider soaked TP and dabbed it to the area. Nothing happen. No better. No worse. I decided then to lean back on the toilet seat in a way that would allow me to sorda pour the cider so  that it would run "front to back" and coat the whole entire irritated area and give me the promised "immediate relief".  Oh holy chit. Mother of the sweet little baby Lord.

     I could not breath. I could not move. All I could do was think how in the world was I going to explain that I had 3rd degree burns on my labia. But not only THERE..........But remember I had sat in a way that it was sure to coat the area in its entirety. Hemorrhoids. Chit, I had forgotten about those in the panic of having hoo-haa itching and burning. The cider had reached those too. Have mercy!! Believe me when I say that I am in no way exaggerating the severity of this simple apple solution's burn. When I could gather my thoughts I began to rinse the area with clean cold water. Even this didn't totally take the burn away. Clearly it had migrated into any little spots where I had broken the skin by scratching (ohhh come on......don't act like you can avoid scratching completely). After inspecting everything with a hand held mirror I walked back to bed carefully while being sure not to allow my legs be too close together and touch what felt like a certain chemical burn. 

     Once I was back in bed I decided to Google again. And there it was........plain as day. The acidity needed to be reduced to around 2%. Even then one should test a tiny area for burning then dilute more if needed. Sometime while reading this tid bit of important information the itching and burning completely stopped and I fell asleep. Bliss finally. I woke up to slight irritation later and decided to dilute the remedy to half/half. Yes, that first escapade was pure unedited Hell. But it worked. And I knew had I read a little more closely about the proper way to dilute I would have saved myself the worst burn I have ever felt in my whole entire life. I am impressed. The Queen will surely love this story later in life when she is pregnant with her very own little one and experiencing those dreaded side effects.

Afternoon Cider Update.
Don't bother. Just go get the good stuff.