There is so much pain, heartache, and pure joy wrapped up into those photos. The day she turned two weeks old I broke completely down into a puddle of mess for a couple hours. I feel so blessed yet cheated. I have everything I've ever dreamed of, yet I can't live it. I feel like I'm in the sidelines.
I look at those photos and I wish I had begged for a csection. I wish I hadn't pulled my legs back so far during delivery. I wanted to avoid a csection but had no idea the amount of trauma I'd cause by putting my legs in such a position. If I could just have a do over everything could be normal. I'd be recovering from a csection instead of this beast that no one knows much about.
I still sit for hours on end and research treatment, others stories, the surgery sit takes to heal sometimes. I can find comfort in stories from women whom have similar stories and have healed and I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and tears at the stories of women who still suffer months and months later.
I imagine Maddy being months old and crawling and me unable still to pick her up. I cringe when I think about stormy weather coming this Spring and me being unable to get everyone out of the house and in a basement. I can't go down steps. I can barely step into the shower. I still can't twist and get into bed. And even if I did get into bed I couldn't sleep there. My right leg I can control better then my left. I cannot life it nearly as well. The chair has become my den. I imagine the time coming when Maddy isn't satisfied to lay on a pillow in my lap. What will I do then?
I go tomorrow to have X-rays retaken. I am hoping the gap has closed signifigantly. If it hasn't I will have to start to consider the fact that surgery is my fate. Even typing that sentence makes me nauseous.
That's the thoughts of the part of me that thinks the worst all the time.
The thoughts of the part of me that try's to stay positive thinks, "Kathy, it's only been 2 weeks". Ligaments take time to heal. I can move better with my walker now. I can step out of my clothes better now before a shower. I can step into the shower sideways now. I can stand in place a long time and wash dishes or do some laundry. That is until I drop something. Bending is still not possible.
I can take a few tiny steps without my walker but I'm scared to death without it. I feel loose and off balance.
I can sit and get up easy now. I wonder how I will feel at 6 weeks without wishing away time.
Yall please continute to pray, send healing thoughts, send advice...........I could sure use it.