Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Note to self: I am not Adam's Mother

I managed to sleep a massive three hours last night. 12a.m.-3a.m.. I can't find peace. I need to find my "funny" again. I feel like I am being swallowed up by ignorant uneducated people and allowing them to steal my joy. My chest feels as if it's going to explode. I cry most of the day and night and play the event of last week over and over in my head. I ask myself what happen, what went wrong, who dropped the ball with Adam? (Yes, he does have a name and I prefer to use it) What was going through his mind? What did his mother do or say to him throughout his life to cause him such hatred toward her? Or, was she supportive? Did she love him unconditionally? Did she know he needed help, guidance or a Dr.?  I can't seem to piece this together and it's making me crazy to say the least.

Most of you know the reason I started this blog a couple years ago. I was in a terrible place. I had looked for help for my son since he was 4 years old. It's been a long hard road for us.  Over six years of therapy, Dr's, medications. I have traveled many miles with him to help him and give him tools to have a normal, successful and happy life. My blogs have greatly changed since they first began two years ago, so that tells me I have been successful in this journey.  They went from worry and grief to laughing, joy and their accomplishments. I have given, and continue to give my boys the best chance possible to lead healthy lives. I suppose the purpose of this post in to remind myself that I am no longer Adam's Momma. In the last two years my son has changed. It's been a year since he's had a violent rage. He only takes two medications at this time for ADHD. He has been off his mood stabilizer successfully for 30 days and off his Seraquil successfully for a 7 days. Not because I chose this, but his insurance refused to keep him at a therapeutic dose without hospitalization and I refused to place my mentally healthy son in a environment that could cause a relapse.  This may cause a relapse anyway, but my hands are tied at this point. Insurance will not even cover therapy any longer unless we use Lifeskills services. No thank you. Yes, mental health needs to be looked at closer. Not gun control. I am proud of what we have over come. I have taught myself to defuse potentially bad situations. Thankfully, currently,  I no longer walk on egg shells. I can leave a knife in the sink without fear. I have not been hit, bit, cussed or patched holes in my walls for a year. I have had no school issues since last year.  I have witnessed my son develop real feelings for his baby brother. I have watched him be concerned for him. This coming from a child who once had no compassion, no empathy. A child who felt nothing. What exactly does this mean for us? I don't know yet. But I hope it means the worst is behind us. Does this mean my son was never really diagnosed correctly? Am I being protective because I don't want my son put into the same category as Adam? Does this mean we are just in a smooth spot and the bottom will drop soon? I don't have the answer to that. I wish I did.

1 comment:

  1. I love the title of this. Immeditely after the shooting I felt everyone wanted me to feel sympathy for Adam and his mother and I wasn't ready. I was too mad. While I don't really how hard mental illness is and I can't imagine trying to treat an illness that has so many variables. I think you do a great job of it. And I'm so proud to call you my sister.