Blowing Off Steam

In times of trouble our true friends and family are revealed.

My life came a screeching halt last week after learning Dad was a ticking time bomb. This greater than life man is sick. That is something in my 33 years I have never witnessed. He has been my rock when my kids were sick and when Mommy was sick. He has taken care of me and my family financially when we have made bad choices. He works on my house, unclogged my drains, keeps my kids when I am about to snap, works on my vehicles, calls mechanics, ect.. Since Danny is away so much Daddy is the go to man in my life when things fall apart and I don't know what to do or how to fix it.  I feed off him in so many ways. I have tried to walk in his foot steps and fail miserably. He has always been such a great example in front of me, that being even a forth as good a person, would be a accomplishment for me. He holds me together and never has to open his mouth. All he has to do is live and I watch him.

As a child I can remember him frequently telling a story about me being hospitalized. He would tell about how the nurses adored me and how they loved my little long gown and he would always trail off to brag about how very sick I was but never even whimpered. Through the years he would tell people about how I never complained, never cried, never fussed, ect. That hospitalization story has always stuck with me. When times got rough I tried to do what I knew Daddy would brag of. I sucked it up and kept my mouth shut. As I get older I find it much harder but still try very hard.

Now that larger than life man is sick. Very sick. Seventy years has slowed him down, weakened his body and greyed his hair but he still never complains. Not once. And I am falling apart at the seams.

Peoples true colors shine through when things like this happen. I have had friends offer to keep my kids, drive us to appointments, feed his cattle and help with Granny. There have been so many calls and messages from people offering a ear and helping hand that I can't keep count. It's good for my soul to know he has touched so many people.

I wonder around this house hurt, sad, worried and don't know what to do most of the time.  I still have children and a husband that depend on me and think things should just continue on as if nothing is wrong. Danny has ask me numerous times what's wrong, and all I can think is that it's easier to name what's right at this point. I suppose this sort of thing is foreign to him. Best I can tell he has never allowed himself to be close to anyone and has no idea how to feel anything. A blessing in disguise or a miserable life living that way? I don't know.  I know in my head that people have this type of surgery all the time and go on many many more years but it's not soothing at all. Maybe it would be nice to not feel concern for a little while.

I suppose this blog was just some venting. My mind is going a thousand miles a minute and I want to slip off and hide but I can't. I want someone to tell me everything will be fine, but no one can say that with certainty. I want someone to sit beside me and not expect me to talk.......but to just simply be there if I decide to. I don't want to be questioned like a child on my mood. Is it not obvious that I am worried out of my mind? Really!! How is it possible for neighbors I speak to once a year to be more compassionate than those I spend a numerous amount of time with? I suppose those few  great neighbors, friends and family have been watching my Daddy as well. Statistics show my Daddy will be around a few more years. I sure hope so cause I know of a few jack asses he needs to teach a thing or four to. Compassion, maturity, supportive and nurturing.