I am going to attempt to fulfill your request with this one. And considering Boy Child #3 is home today from school sick, for the third day in a row, today is perfect. This bullchit is fresh on my mind. I tried to keep the letter to my teenage self rather serious. If you want that, in this post, stop reading now. This one is to my pregnant self. Just prior to the onset of labor with Boy Child #1.
Dear childless Kitty, (that will soon change primarily to Kathy upon the arrival of your human baby)
First of all gather up all the following items and receipts and take them back to the store for a refund. Baby Wipe Warmer, bottle sterilizer, all but one diaper bag, diaper stacker, all but one of those infant sized outfits and half of all those other outfits you think your gonna need when you go out on the town with that precious baby (insert sarcasm). Once you have your refund I want you to come home and bath alone, apply a little make-up. fix your hair, pee when the urge hits, and take a nap before taking yourself out for a nice quite lunch. All these things I ask of you, will never happen again. Like....ever.
After your quite lunch I want you to go to Peebles and buy yourself some comfortable Yoga pants and tee shirt in your favorite color. You will be in this attire for the next six months. Make sure its loose and feels great. No sense in packing those size 4 pants in your hospital bag. You won't see that size for 15 years. Sooner if you would stop having flippen kids. Next, come home and watch your favorite shows. After today your life will solely revolve around only shows that have ridiculous purple dinosaurs, trains, talking animals or ESPN. You should also take another hot bath. You have no idea how much you will miss those when you are relaxing in the tub with your eyes shuts and are jolted awake to a god awful smell and grunting. Boy children are nasty little chits and love more then anything to fart, chit and burp in your presence. Even if boy children have their own bathrooms, they prefer to chit in your bathroom while you are relaxing in the tub. And just to make sure they have succeeded in making you gag they will ask you, "Do you smell that?" Then gag at themselves and laugh.
When you come home people will beg to watch this thing. Let them. It will not mean you are weak or unfit. It means you are smart. Momma will want to stay a week with you. Let her. She will cook, clean, rock the thing and take care of you. Let her. Rest. She has raised a few kids and almost all of them turned out great. I know you are scared cause you are in Glasgow, but by June you will be back close to home again and never leave that area where your family and friends are ever again. You were stupid for leaving to begin with, but no need for name calling at this point in the game. Though you were. Stupid.
Labor will be starting before long. You spent entirely to much time watching Lifetime shows depicting how labor would feel. You are going to be uncomfortable for several hours. Don't let this slide. This IS labor. Don't be a dumb arse. Natural child birth sucks, trust me, I know, and you do not want to do that because you stayed home to long and can not receive medication this late in the game!! Go to the hospital EARLY or give birth in the elevator without drugs. It's your choice.
Don't loose a lot of sleep worrying about breast feeding this boy child. It will all be o.k. Turns out you are a pro at this stuff. Later in life people will call you up whom have newborn babies and ask for nursing advice. You rock at this. Don't get a big head though.....cause you suck at every thing else.
Buy a battery operated swing right effen now. Otherwise you will sleep in 15 minute intervals, wake up, wind a swing and go back to sleep for another 15 minutes. Thankfully this guy of yours like staying up half the night. Go to bed and let him entertain this kid of yours that will have his nights and days mixed up for the first six months of his life. Bless your soul. Your too stupid and green to figure out how to fix this. But this is a good thing. It'll be 5 years before you start to consider another child. But you do not. You decide on a tubal instead. ;) Ok that's not exactly all true.
Don't sweat the small stuff, wear a good support bra or tuck your boobs in your socks by age 30, get rid of the Firebird sooner rather then later and buy a four door car and start that baby on Neutrimgen formula when your ready to wean him. It'll save you a lot of Dr. visits and smelling like baby vomit. Good luck. Your gonna need it.