A plea for advice and guidance......

 Many things have gone through my mind over the last couple weeks. I have had to sort through many feelings and emotions.

Last year when we decided to foster to adopt I was skeptical about our decision for a long time. You know those feelings that any mother has when they are pregnant with their second, third or fourth child. Will I love it? Will I favor my first child more then my second? And then the baby is born and you can't possibly fathom how life was when you were a only a family of three. Adoption had always held a special place in my heart for obvious reasons. I knew it was possible to love a child that wasn't your biological baby. I am living proof of that. But I wasn't sure I had what it took to be the parent that mine were to me. From the time we made our minds up to go forward with our choice, it was almost 9 months. Ironic, huh. 9 months of imagining what our first placement would look it, act like, her age (yes, we requested a specific age and sex). I imagined the colors her room would be. I imagined things we would do together. I couldn't wait to take her on her first family vacation. 9 months I prepared for a child and just a labor does, the call that we had a girl came in a matter of minutes. At 5 p.m. on a Wednesday I was the mother of four boys. By 7 p.m. I had a 20 month old little girl in my arms. Those first few days were a whirlwind. Within two days she had her own room. It was pastel yellow and light gray. She had dozens of dresses and shoes and hair bows. I knew her cries. I knew her facial expressions. I knew what she loved and what irritated her. And just as I learned her she had learned me. She watched me. She knew my voice and my tones. And most importantly, she had my heart. I lived my dream. My boys were stand-off'ish of her for some time. We prepared them and talked about this possible change for a long time. But as the days passed they wanted her in their sight all the time. And then just as quickly as she entered our lives, she left. I knew when we agreed to this last year that it would be difficult. But there are no words to descried what it feels like to love a child then loose it. Loosing a child after you have held them, seen the, rocked them. And not being able to have updates on them, their health, their progress. I imagine this is much like death. It's reassuring to know she is in a home where her health needs can be addressed easier and faster. But, it doesn't completely remove the grief. I'm still here in this home and have to pass through her yellow room that's sitting empty. Her empty closet and dresser. And I'm still answering questions for Evyn about where she is. He usually asked nightly where she is and when she's coming home. Those moments pour salt on a wound.

So, the lingering question of whether or not I was the type of person who could adopt was quickly answered. Absolutely. Could my children except a adopted child as their sister? Absolutely. But this experience now raises more questions. Can I do this again? Can I run the risk of dealing with such grief again? Would I love another child as I did her or would I be scared to become attached?

I have come to a crossroads. I need advice and guidance. This is a "what would you do?" post.

Photo Dump

The boys first day of school and Evyn's first day ever.





Evyn is loving school. Sometimes. ;)


The 6 a.m. stuff wears him out. This week we are trying to change things up and take him a bit later so he's not so worn out and whiney.





Last week was one of the absolute worse days of my life. That being said Zackary has been reading the Bible a lot here lately. He likes to close his eyes, open his Bible and pick a verse (with his eyes shut) for me to read. This day, it was this one. Psalms 37:5
From the moment I read that verse my mind was at peace. When one door closes another will open. So I'm waiting patiently.


This is how I've been passing my time. If your interested in purchasing one please visit and Like my friends page on FB Rebelkchild

The countdown to vacation is on. Who am I kidding? I've been counting for three months! Seriously.

Boxer pups are ready for homes. Tell your friends.

Have a great weekend friends! And go see my friends in Glasgow on Saturday at South Central Bank for the Expo and buy bows and leather! ;)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Catch Up Monday

I didn't realize how long it had been since I sat down to blog. So much has happen in the last few weeks. The kids started back to school on Aug. 7th and it's going well. There are no problems in the mornings at all anymore. But, evenings still stink for Eli. We have discovered he is at a 3rd grade level in  most subjects. Of course I've not told him this for fear of discouraging him. We have a lot of work to do in order for him to be back on track. Normally I will be there daily with them but the last few days it's just not been possibly.

A few weeks ago we received our first placement. That's about all I can say about that. Other than I have waited for her all my life and I adore her. It's hard to say where it will go from here but I've left it all in Gods hands. All good things seem temporary. Having to remain quite about this chapter of our life is so hard. I am so use to being a open book.

Countdown to our vacation in on! 34 days. Danny and I have decided (actually I decided and he's agreeing) that it's time for that couples retreat. In the Spring we are thinking Mexico. I have almost agreed to a cruise. And he's almost agreed to a plane. I'm hoping I win. The thought of a boat makes my stomach bubble.

Granny is on a downhill slope. Her memory gets worse everyday. She now has a hard time even knowing the boys. This has been rough on them. She asked Peyton last week if he was one of my kids. Peyton laughed about it but I know it hit him harder then he let on. Home health now comes three days a week to help with bathing and therapy. Mom and Dad want to move her in with them but I have fought that tooth and nail. As long as I can see to her here at home (she's only steps away from me) that's what I will do. I'm not ready to see her leave her home. And she's not either.

The Boxer pups are getting HUGE!  They are three weeks and three days old. Raising them so such a change from the toy breeds. I can't wait to post their photos in a week or so. Dolls I tell ya! Dolls!

I hope this school year is treating yall good. I hated to see summer end. It seemed it never officially even began with all the rain and cool temps. Today was the first day I spent in the house while all the kids where at school. I disliked it very much. I have longed for peace but 7 hours of it was plenty. I was totally lost. Maybe, just maybe.......my baby days are not over. That too, is in Gods hands. I'm anxious to see what's in store for us.