WaShEd Up AnD wOrN oUt

I have postponed blogging for several days in hopes that when Evyn naps I will have some sort of masterpiece that will come to mind. Unfortunately, the second Evyn lays down and I retreat to my bedroom sleep spontaneously happens for me as well. Exhausted is a understatement. Mentally and physically. Sorry if this one is  disappointing. There is one major thought in my head today that need to surface. I'll jump in feet first......

Eli has been seeing a therapist once a week for several weeks. Something I hadn't intended to share due to his privacy and mine but I think keeping this under such wraps for so long is why these types of things have such a negative stigma. We saw a group of specialists last June and he was diagnosed with 5 disorders. AD/HD, OCD, Early Onset BiPolar, Depression and Conduct Disorder. The advice given to me was talk therapy, medications and to continue being the parent i was being because he seemed to be thriving.

I have completely submerged myself with this child and helping him to have a healthly whole life since I was first introduced to the idea that he had something else going on in his little mind at the age of  5.  I eat, sleep and breath ideas that will help us all cope and coexist in this house together with the least amount of chaos.  Let me make a few things clear. There are NO therapist in the area that specialize in children. The handful I have found do not bill insurances. Its all self pay. If your insurance reimburses you, then good for you. If they don't.......well it's not their baby to rock. My child is priority but therapy can range anywhere for 250 to 350 a visit. depending on if I wanted to speak to the therapist as well. I realize a childs health does not have  a price tag, but that's steep. Where would Eli be if i had to work 3 jobs and never be home.  Currently we are working through Lifeskills and I am very pleased with the gentleman he sees.  Insurance covers it......FOR NOW. There is even talk of having home visits. I am looking very forward to this. My first request was to help Eli let some thingS go. Stuff, that is. Things he holds onto that don't have meaning to me but are extremely important to him. Salt packets for example. LOTS of them.

I now keep a diary so we can kinda begin to see a pattern. The better we understand him, the more efficiently I can help him. I feel really good about this. I know so far this entry seem vague but I still haven't completely dropped my guard when it comes to discussing my baby boy. I stay so scared for him. So afraid something I may do or say will make his life harder. Please don't judge my son by what I say. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else to speak openly about mental disorders and depressive behaviors in their children. There is no support groups that I can speak of. I'd love to start one but simply don't know where to even begin or  how to even categorize it since Eli has been tagged with 5 separate things at this point without complete certainty on any of them except AD/HD and OCD.

Today is a terrible day for Eli. During the morning rush I forgot his medication. I could could make excuses for myself and say I was tired, I was up the last two nights with a fussy Evyn, the morning routine is so hectic that I cant do it all perfectly all the time...........and that all is very true, but it's excuses and not reasons. I chose to have four children and I can't make excuses for myself when I severely screw up. I royally did just that this morning. Screw up. Now we are all paying for my mishap. Just since 3 pm he has spit in Zac's face, cussed, said terrible things to me. Things that are heart breaking. But, I have to continue to tell myself that children with these problems treat the one they love the most, the worst. Children with these disorders treat the one they love the most, the worst. He loves me. He loves ME. That's why he treats me this way.  I'm just not feeling it today. I have sat here and took blame for things that are completely out of my control today but that's just part of it. This is my life. Our life. Days like today he is miserable and he makes each of us miserable right along with him.  I have to walk away to keep from having thoughts that I should just put him in inpatient and stop trying.

He just ate lead. When I told him that it was dangerous he said....."I'd like to die" This sweet smiling face that you see in this picture actually said "I'd like to die."

Now tell me why there is no support group for us? No support for the children who's faces get spit in, slapped, cussed, ect.  Why is there no support group for parents who are washed up, worn out, abused, used, lied too, hit, screamed at?