Friday, September 16, 2011

Screaming Is The Normal Here

Saturday- Was delivered the news that Mom was diagnosed with Dementia. I delivered the news as requested by Dad to my brothers.
Sunday- Still paralyzed from the news. Peyton is having a "I am 12 and grown week." Eli thinks the best form of communication is to scream and cry at me. It's always been a issue but this week  more then others. Maybe because he senses that I am drowning in worry and if he screams at me enough I'll scream back. He loves our battles. Why? Cause I allow it. I enable him. I play right into his hands. I need to be taught a better way.

Monday-Mom is magnificent when I go to check in on her. We even walk with Evyn about a mile. She showed me her new washer 4 times but I didn't mind. Yall know I do love admiring a new washer. It's going to be a ok week despite recent developments.

Tuesday- Had positive thoughts too soon. Mom is in terrible shape. Not speaking, not eating, vomiting, and too weak to even walk to the bathroom. I spent a great deal of time there this morning but I doubt she even knew Evyn and I were there. Eli and Pey both have practice. Eli isn't able to stay. He gets discouraged and ignored by the coach and is told to sit down beside me. After sitting for a while we leave and go home. He said he had a headache and was on the verge of crying. Did he really have a headache or was he just fed up and wanted to leave. It doesn't really matter. He doesn't want to play anymore at this point. I assume his teeny tiny frame is why the coaches didn't pay him no mind. One more person in his life who made him feel he isn't capable. Eli is mad at me and screams and hollers. I know he wanted to come home and be taken out of the situation he was in at football practice but he's so angry that no one paid attention to him there that he chooses me to scream at. This is normal for him. I come home and settle down to make some supper. Mom is heavy on my mind. I need to lay eyes on her again before bedtime. I load Evyn and Zac in the car and leave Eli here with my phone. Mom is close. 2 houses down the road. She is sleeping and Dad relaxed. I head straight back home. At least if she is asleep it'll be a somewhat uneventful night maybe. Wrong. In the 8 minutes I am gone Eli has called 911. I don't think I have to explain what happens next. The argument leads to screaming. How can I teach him a better way of communicating his thoughts?

Wednesday-Let today be a good day. Mom got up and went and got her hair done. It had been weeks since she went. I should take this time to get a few thing done that I've put off but instead I find myself making the drive to Edmonton too just to check in on her. After they left from her apt. I spent a great deal of time talking with her beautician/friend. She too confirms mom didn't talk again today. Just stared off. I stopped in again on my way home to see how she was. Again, she was  like she was the day before. I decide it's time to intervene. Daddy tries so hard to handle her. My God is he a good man, husband, Daddy, provider and Grandpa. But he is so oblivious when it comes to sickness. Mom always took care of us when we were sick. We do agree it's time to go somewhere. TJ is the closest hospital but not my first choice. After tests and blood work we learn at some point in time she has had a Stroke and has a raging UTI. Both hopefully part of the reason for the severe mood change, rages and vomiting over the last couple days. She always calms down in a hospital environment. She felt safe I think.

Thursday-The fairly normal day I have needed all week. Evyn and me get a lot done home alone. Mom seems better today. I know the good and bad days will come and go so I chose not to hover over her today. I have a home to run too. I still feel neglectful for not being there today but somewhat better knowing I did feed them supper tonight. Mom thought she could eat some Potato Soup. I fixed 2 gallons. Probably overdone it but it fed us, Mom and Granny and will for a few days. Eli has a terrible afternoon. Why is his only form of communication to scream. Please, don't scream today. They have no idea Mom is as sick as she is. They don't understand why I kept them from her for so long now. I know this. They get sick of looking at me day in an day out. They want to see their Poppy and Mamee. Zac came home from school coughing. By bedtime he is gagging from all the coughing and has a fever. I give him Tylenol and cough medicine. 5 minutes later I'm washing sheets, pillows and him. Mom puked 3 days and Zac is chiming in now. I HATE PUKE. I did get my transscrip sent to Western today. I want to study Psychology with a passion. I have talked myself into doing it! Again.

Friday- Today will be a calm day all day. I wake up with high hopes. The kids will be great. Mom will be good and I will get this house cleaned up and smelling better after a night of puke. Zac is staying home so getting the two big boys to school will be a breeze! And then Eli wakes up mad. Screams. Cries. Stomps. Clinches his fist. My control I've had all week crumbles at this very moment and I smack him. Dammit! Being popped in his mouth does no good. Being spanked does no good. At these times he just has to sit in a quite place and be really still and reset his thinking patterns. I have saw this work so many times and yet in that exact instant I was so mentally torn down that it made me feel better to just smack him for making me feel worse. Shame on me. I have to find a way to balance my life better. Every one has sickness in their families. there are people who worry about 10 times more then I do, and do it with a smile. 

I just left Mom's. It's not a good day for her either.

Time to put my game face back on and be the daughter and Mother I need to be today. And to think I thought I had time to attend school. Answers come to us one way or another don't they.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I desperately wish I had magic words. I don't. I'm thinking about you...just don't forget to breathe.